Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic

That’s it. I have to break up with my girlfriend. She is fantastic for me personally, but for me professionally, she’s a disaster. We’ve been together 6 months and it’s been so smooth I have nothing to complain about. Bob’s got a 3 minute bit about the time his girlfriend flipped out when he brought her a Coke instead of Diet Coke. All I’ve got to talk about is how loving and supportive she is. How can you make that funny?

It’s awful, she’s the perfect woman. She likes watching sports, drinking beer and is better than me at video games. She’s busy with her own life and never complains when I’m out late with my guy friends. Oh, and when it comes to sex, she probably wants it more than me. Last night when I was tired and had a headache, she practically forced herself on me. Honestly, if the roles were reversed you could have made a good argument for date rape. But what am I supposed to do with that? Go on stage and complain about how much I’m getting laid?

Things are going so well, that I started actively trying to provoke arguments, just to give me something to work with. I stopped complimenting her appearance, but she hasn’t seemed to notice. For a while I was gushing about how hot her friends were, and now she won’t stop talking about menage-trois. And when I “accidentally” forgot Valentine’s Day, you know what she did? Talk about how it’s a stupid holiday invented by Hallmark. And then, for her birthday I got her a cake with nuts-because I know she’s allergic-but after the EMT worker reopened her airway, she told me “It’s the thought that counts.”

Seriously, this woman is giving me nothing to work with. Right now my act now is a five minute rumination on why Cheez-Its have holes in the center. She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I’m going to make it in this industry I’ve gotta break up with her and start dating some crazy chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues. That’ll get me a sitcom deal within the year, no doubt.