Thoughts of Mike Haggar from Final Fight

I realize this is a strange thing to notice, especially considering that I’m on a violent street rampage against Mad Gear, the evil gang that recently kidnapped my daughter, but Metro City sure had a crazy urban planner. There’s only one street, no intersections at all, and it runs the entire length of the city from left to right, from my office to the man who kidnapped my daughter, and with no possibilities of making a wrong turn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining-I’ve never been good at reading maps-but it sure is weird.

You know what else is weird? That I got elected mayor of Metro City! I’m a former professional wrestler; why entrust me with running a municipal government? You know, come to think of it, I haven’t once met someone who voted for me. The only people I ever run into in this town are Mad Gear goons trying to kill me, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t vote for me since the whole reason they kidnapped my daughter is because they don’t like my anti-crime policy.

Speaking of Mad Gear, the number of goons in their employ is astronomical. On this one block alone, I beat up nearly 40 guys (most of who must be related since they look so similar). Mad Gear’s payroll is probably double that of Metro City’s. And I can’t even imagine their total overhead once you factor in costs like the ridiculous numbers of knives and dynamite they throw at me. I understand Mad Gear wants to increase profits by eliminating an anti-crime mayor, but I bet they could do a lot better if they just laid off some people and used that capital to invest in legitimate businesses.

Wow, back when I was a professional wrestler, if you told me I’d one day be thinking about city payroll costs, I’d have called you crazy or attacked you with my signature professional wrestling move, the spinning clothesline.

But look at me now, worrying about budgets and stuff. Maybe I really am cut out for this mayor job after all. And as second careers go, you could do a whole lot worse than mayor of the most dangerous and corrupt city in the world.

Oh look, a bunch more gang members. Time to punch them to death.

Punch, punch punch, boy these guys go down easy. I’m like 100 times the man they are. Probably because before being elected mayor I was a professional wrestler, I don’t know if I mentioned that.

Also, after I get my daughter back, I’ve got to remember to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I’ve been putting it off for way too long. Things don’t look blurry, per se, it’s more like everything is…chunky, as if I see the world built out of squares or something. I wonder if it’s astigmatism.

Whatever the problem, I really hope I don’t need glasses. Glasses make anyone look weak and dorky, even a former professional wrestler like myself.

Hmm…that’s strange there don’t seem to be any more goons and–OH MY GOD! Look at this guy, he’s huge! I used to be a professional wrestler and this guy is twice my size.

Why is he a criminal? He should be a professional wrestler. I mean look at him, he’s already dressed for the job. But who am I to criticize anyone’s sartorial choices? After all, I am wearing green pants with one suspender that magically changes sides depending on which direction I face.