My Best Friend Franklin

I don’t usually use this blog to talk about my personal life, but this is a special case. I have a new best friend!!! Check out the e-mail he sent me.

From: franklin.coyle@clutchdomains.com
To: Adam Sacks

Hello, my name is Franklin Coyle from Clutch Domains. Adamthink.com will be available for purchase in a few days. Since you own adamthinks.com, I thought you might be interested in adamthink.com.

It is recommended to eliminate any confusion to adamthinks.com, to own both the singular/plural versions of the domain. Your purchase will be a one time fee only that includes one year of complimentary registration.

Franklin Coyle
Clutch Domains
865 SW 78th Ave, Suite A100, Plantation, FL 33324

Franklin is such a great guy, right? He sees that my website ends in an s, figures people might forget and type in the grammatically incorrect adamthink (which I guess is correct if you’re telling me what to do), and then he ACTUALLY GOES TO THE EFFORT of buying adamthink.com so that an opportunistic jerk can’t buy it first. There’s a word for someone who does that, and it’s “new best friend.”

So I replied.

From: Adam Sacks
To: Franklin Coyle

Hi Franklin,

I don’t want to be too forward, but I anyone who would put the time and effort into helping me keep my web traffic is someone I could really be best friends with. Which is good for you and your company because I only do business with besties.

Let me give you a little information about myself: I’m 34, I grew up in Atlanta and now live in New Jersey. I’m an amateur landscape painter, and have three adorable Shiba Inu dogs, Pierce, Polk and Taft. I also recently quit my job to follow my dream of web entrepreneurship by starting DogFacebook.us, a social networking site for dog lovers, and I think people like you are the exact type with which I need to become best friends.

Now that I’ve shared something about myself, what can you tell me about yourself? What are Franklin Coyle’s hobbies, interests and pets? Where did you grow up? Can I call you Frank? Do you own a dog?

The more you share, the faster we can become super-best friends.

Your new best friend,
Adam

Then disaster struck!

From: Clutch Domains
To: Adam Sacks

Adam,

If you do have an interest in buying adamthink.com, please visit: <redacted>

Where did my best friend Franklin go, and who is this generic “Clutch Domains” guy?

From: Adam Sacks
To: Clutch Domains

Where is Franklin? Is he okay? Why didn’t he respond? Does he let friends call him Frank?

I’m really worried that he got mauled by a viscous dog he tried to rehabilitate from a shelter. That’s why now I only adopt purebreds like my Shiba Inus Pierce, Polk and Taft. I already told them about Franklin and they’re really excited to meet him. Please let me know know what hospital he is in, so I can send flowers. Or better yet, have him start an account on DogFacebook.us, and have him link it to his cell phone so that I can call him directly.

Franklin’s best friend,
Adam

Three days passed and I still hadn’t heard back, so I tried one last time.

From Adam Sacks
To: Franklin Coyle

Franklin, I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to get in touch. I bet right now you’re in the hospital, your head wrapped in gauze because a half-Rottwiler, half-Doberman Pinscher tore your face to ribbons, wondering why I haven’t called you. It’s not for lack of trying. Can you believe I couldn’t find a single Franklin Coyle phone number listed in all of Florida? Crazy! I’d also like to point out that we could be talking on the phone right now if you had just registered at DogFacebook.us like you promised.

Not that I can stay mad at you. As a token of our friendship, here’s a card I painted for you. I know you’ll love it.

I Google mapped your work address and used street views to paint a landscape of the Chill’s Bar and Grill I could see. I included my Shiba Inus Pierce, Polk and Taft to make it more personal. They’re extra big because that’s how much they’re looking forward to meeting you once you’ve recovered.

Also, if your friends call you Frank, let me know and I’ll make you a new painting.

Your friend for life,
Adam

P.S. In googling your work address, I saw that your office, in addition housing Clutch Domains, is home to the companies First Beat Media Inc, Reliable Domain Brokers, Limited Time Domains, Worldwide Domain Service, Razor Sharp Domains, Secured Premium Domains, Premier Domain Investments, Premier Domain Brokers and Premium Value Domains. You guys must have such fun working together.

I still haven’t heard anything back. I’d really appreciate it if everyone would e-mail franklin.coyle@clutchdomains.com and wish him a speedy recovery.

Infographics

Recently I haven’t had the time to write new blog posts. I was beginning to feel guilty until I received an e-mail that offered a solution.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hello Adam Sacks,

I know you’re really busy, so I will try to make this quick and painless. My name is <redacted> and I work with a company that creates and distributes infographics. We are willing to pay you for every infographic you post.

Here are a couple examples of the work we do:

http://mashable.com/2010/05/10/ipod-revolution-infographic/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-clark-howard/the-meteoric-rise-of-crai_b_649183.html

http://www.neatorama.com/spotlight/2010/06/17/13-things-worth-knowing-about-super-mario/

We would love to provide you with content while paying you for it.

Wow! Making money to not write? That’s like getting paid to procrastinate, the holy grail for every writer. Needless to say, I was very interested so I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

As you know, my site gets a lot of traffic from highly educated visitors with very specific interests. Here is a list of some topics I would consider posting infographics about.

19th century Russian economic development in relation to the Crimean War.

Shifts in soil content of the Nunavut territory from the Precambrian to Neoproterozoic age.

The rise and fall of the Aristotelian worldview, specifically in regards to 18th century Enlightenment discoveries.

Changes in teapot construction during China’s Sung Dynasty.

The impact advances in fingerprinting technology had on local Chicago elections from 1942-58

And of course anything relating to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole.

Please let me know if you can provide content that would interest my readers. I think this could be something that would benefit us both.
Adam

Less than an hour later I receive the following.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hi Adam,

Unfortunately we do not have graphics based on the topics you are asking about, sorry. What a bummer, I was looking forward to working with you.

Anyway, if you are ever open to other topics we have please feel free to contact me whenever.

Thanks for your time.
<redacted>

To which I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

That is indeed a “bummer,” but I am not one to give up so easily. Here are some topics that are a bit more mainstream. I’d be a little surprised if you didn’t have something along these lines.

The evolution of square taper, loose ball bearing bottom brackets to external cartridge based bearing bottom brackets such as Shimano’s Hollowtech II, RaceFace’s X-type, or FSA’s MegaExo.

The deterioration over time of ganglioside biodegradation by hexosaminidase A in Tay-Sachs cells.

The effectiveness of the Budapest Defense in official US Chess Federation tournament play before and after the introduction of the Fischer Variation of the Ruy Lopez opening.

And again, I really do mean ANYTHING related to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole. I know you said you didn’t have anything about it, but maybe you were limiting yourself to non-Euclidean phase space geometry?

Thanks again for your time. I look forward to a fruitful partnership.
Adam

Believe it or not, they wrote back.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

Your topic interests and ours seems to be a little off… haha Did you see our example of our infographics down in the first email?

We are able to distribute the ones we have to you but we are not going to be able to create new ones based on your topic interests.

Let me know what you think about ours and get back to me.

Talk to you soon,
<redacted>

Since this person seemed so willing to work with me, I figured I should try to be more accommodating in my requests.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Okay <redacted>,

I’d really like to work with you guys so I’m going to break my own rule here and say I’m willing to post something Superstring theory related. I’d prefer it to not be about the Calabi–Yau manifold, but I am flexible if that’s all you have.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Adam

Shockingly, they responded.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

The examples I sent you are all we have as far as layout goes. Are you going to be okay with that?

Then I remembered…

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

You know, I’ve been racking my brain all day, trying to think of a topic you guys might have that would interest my readers and then it hit me:

My readers also love video games. Do you have any video game related infographics?
Adam

Sadly, they never responded. I was pretty crushed until I did a quick Google search and found a Superstring theory infographic on my own. Sure, I’m not getting paid 10 dollars to post it, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Beer Pong Success

As you should remember, two weeks ago I took up Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, on his offer of a reciprocal link exchange with a website that sells beer pong tables.

I was pretty disheartened when I didn’t get linked back immediately, so I began sending Mike a bunch of e-mails. Here’s one example.

From: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
To: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Hi Mike,

How was your Thanksgiving? Good, I hope. I’m e-mailing you because you still haven’t put my link on the EZ Beer Pong table, even after I’ve informed you multiple times of my link here http://adamthinks.com/beer-pong/

Is everything okay? I’m really looking forward to this link exchange. Please let me know as soon as the link is up.

Sincerely,

Adam

And what’s worse, Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, never responded to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been used. Can you not trust a man who gets paid 400 dollars a month to set up link exchanges with other websites? Are people inherently evil? Was the social contract written on a sheet of lies? When it thunders, is that not God bowling?

But Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, works in mysterious ways. Just when I had lost all hope, I received the following:

From: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 4, 2009 at 8:38 PM

Dear owner of http://adamthinks.com,

I’m pleased to inform you that your link was added to our site

Rarely does a single electronic correspondence redeem one’s faith in humanity. Let us gaze upon this miracle.

To you, this may be nothing more than a bunch of unrelated links cynically compiled to increase a website’s Google rank, but to me, it’s more like:

God bless you Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Beer Pong!!!

I recently received a very exciting business proposition.

From: Mike Ciaccio <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Subject: Reciprocal Link Exchange Request

I visited your links page, http://adamthinks.com/wild-animals/, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://www.ezbeerpong.com.

Just reply to this email and I’ll add a link if you promise to link back when your link is up.

Sincerely,
mike ciaccio
link manager for http://www.ezbeerpong.com

Yeah, that’s right, if I link to the EZ Beer Pong website, Mike Ciaccio promises to link back to me! This is pretty awesome since there is no demographic I covet more than 18-22 binge drinkers. I can’t say no to your offer, Mike Ciaccio. Here’s your link.

Beer Pong Tables – Beer Pong Table manufacturer offering affordable portable beer pong tables.

But, you know what? I don’t think that link really expresses my love for EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio’s fantastic marketing strategy. So EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio (the more I say your name the higher I’ll be ranked when someone Googles you), let me help sell some of your novelty tables. No need to thank me Mike Ciaccio, just knowing that people pay you $450.00 a month to promote their website is thanks enough for me.

Why you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table?

First of all, when your girlfriend complains what a jerk you are, you can say, “What did you expect? I own an EZ Beer Pong table. Sure, when I want to play beer pong I could just put a door on some sawhorses, but I am so committed to the game that I own a table which is completely useless except for when I play beer pong. You knew what you were getting yourself into, now bring me a beer.”

Also, the EZ Beer Pong table is highly portable, so moving will be a breeze when you get kicked out of your apartment.

But the main reason you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table is because you can get it in the Tribal Blue pattern.

Which will go great with your back tattoo.

Seriously, EZ Beer Pong tables are fantastic, and if it wasn’t for Mike Ciaccio, I wouldn’t know about them. So as a thanks to Mike Ciaccio and his web marketing business (and as my attempt to become the number one Google result if you search Mike Ciaccio), I am offering my own link exchange.

If you link to this post using the following html code

<a href=”http://www.adamthinks.com/beer-pong”>Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer</a>

Which should look like this

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

let me know in the comments section and in return I will update this post to link back to you.

Now that’s an offer you can’t pass up.

People who appreciate Mike Ciaccio’s web marketing genius.

Jim’s Notes