My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death. Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program. This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

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So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes. As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple. Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake. Say goodbye to confusing forms and math. Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers. And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan. It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us. After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.