Diversify Your Investment Executives: A Board Meeting

It looks like we’re all present, so I’ll now officially call this board meeting to order. I asked you here because I just learned that our economy completely broke down and we are armpit deep in debt. I realize this has been the situation for a while, but it’s not my fault everything fell apart during my bi-annual 6 month vacation to the middle of the Amazon jungle away from all lines of communication. Anyway, we’re in danger of bankruptcy here, so it’s time to come up with some ideas and…

My goodness, look at us. What a diverse and attractive group of executives we are. We’ve got everything, both black and white, young and old, and can it be, why yes, more women than men. What’s that Jim? You’re part Puerto Rican? Fantastic.

I’ve got it! All our financial woes are over. We close the company, saving on a lot of money on overhead in the process, and become stock photography models for situational business photos. Who would be better at forcing smiles in awkward corporate settings than us? We’ve been doing it for years. Sheila, don’t worry about our shareholders, I’ll deal with them. Once I explain how picture perfect we are, they’ll come around. Seriously, what company wouldn’t want our photo on their website to imply they have diversity, maturity and professionalism?

Okay Robert, that is a good point. Stock photo modeling isn’t a growth business, but it will give us a quick cash infusion. With that capital we can take it and invest it in… I’ve got it.

Another depression is coming and you know what that means. The re-emergence of vaudeville shows! We can take our diversity and shoe-horn it into broad racial humor for the unwashed masses’ amusement. I, of course, will be the master of ceremonies, and you all will be my dancing, singing stereotypes. And the best part is, by actually having African American actors, we’ll save so much money on blackface paint. Since we’ve a strict unspoken policy of not hiring black men, Katherine you’ll have to sing Old Man River. What’s that? I don’t know, can’t you get throat cancer or something in order to hit those low notes?

On top of song and dance, we’ll also need some impressive physical feats. Show of hands, who here can juggle eight pins, walk on a tight rope, ride a unicycle or do a back flip? No one? That’s too bad. How about knife throwing? Anyone? Robert, you were once arrested for threatening your wife with a knife so that’ll be your act in the show, and Beth you’ll be his assistant and balance the apple on your head. Don’t give me that face, Beth, what else can you do? I think we all remember your karaoke debacle at the last Christmas party.

Okay gang, good meeting. We had a frank and honest discussion of the situation, brainstormed freely and settled on the best course of action. I think everyone here has a clear list of actionable goals, so let’s get to work and turn this company around.