My thoughts on James Cameron’s Avatar trailer

Update 12/12/09
I’ve now seen the movie. You can read my thoughts here.

For those who don’t know, Avatar is James Cameron’s (Aliens, Terminator 2, Piranha Part Two: The Spawning) upcoming movie. He had the idea for 15 years, but had to wait for technology to catch up with his vision of 3d film projection and realistically rendered computer generated alien characters being controlled by actors covered in ping pongs.

Avatar’s budget is over 200 million dollars and features so much technological innovation that it’s already being hailed as the next revolution in film making, comparable to the Jazz Singer’s introduction of synchronized dialogue, Jurassic Park’s introduction of CG creatures, and The 40 Year Old Virgin’s introduction of Judd Apatow’s sensibilities on comedies.

So 15 years in the making, giant budget and lots of hype, but no one had seen a single frame until this past Friday when they released the trailer.

What could possibly go wrong?

To begin with, for the first half of the trailer it looks like James Cameron’s top secret grand vision was to make a really nice looking video game cut scene complete with:

Drably colored spaceships

a drably colored military

drably colored improbable landscapes

a drably colored commander bearing scars (literal and one assumes metaphorical) from a past war that will surely cloud his judgment in this current conflict.

and of course, drably colored Mechs.

So far, we’re off to an underwhelming start. Where are these aliens that represent the next step forward in computer generated imagery?

Oh, here’s one.

Wow! 15 years and 200 million dollars and we get CG aliens that look like people, but with slightly longer necks. That’s right, slightly longer necks!

What was once the sole province of Botticelli paintings

Is now available on the big screen, for the low price of four easy payments of the gross domestic product of Bulgaria.

These alien designs are terrible. Did James Cameron really wait 15 years until computer graphics technology could catch up with his vision blue Thundercats?

And while I’m on the subject of color, who did the color design, a box of Neon Crayolas? It’s a bad sign when your palette is outclassed by a romance novel cover.

Also, where is this movie taking place? A Mead Trapper Keeper folder from the 80′s?

All it’s missing is a unicorn. So I added one.

Now some people might complain that I’m being overly judgmental, because Avatar is meant to be seen in 3D. But I don’t buy that.

I’ve watched videos of fanboy reaction to the 3d footage shown in theaters, and most just raved about the sharp image quality. If you love sharp images might I suggest buying in a pair of glasses? You’ll be amazed for hours on end by all the detail you can see in the trees.

Another big selling point was the ability to see pores on the CG aliens’ faces. Well, if your enjoyment of a movie is derived primarily from bad skin, just watch the Wrestler.

Good special effects don’t make movies good. Good stories make movies good. And Avatar’s story, as best I can tell (Avatar spoiler alert!), centers around drab industrial humans trying to ruin the natural beauty of Unicorn planet. But through a scientific experiment, one of these drab humans becomes a blue alien so he can spy on their blue alien world. The only problem is he falls in love with a blue alien babe, learns to appreciate the wonder of their 80′s-fantasy-art world and ends up fighting against the humans to protect his new neon purple home planet.

And if that sounds familiar, it’s because that is also the plot of…

FernGully, the 1992 animated motion picture about a human named Zak who works for a logging company chopping down rainforests. That is, until he is shrunk down to fairy size by a magical fairy named Crysta who lives in the rainforest. At first he’s mad, but then discovers how beautiful the magical fairy-world-rainforest is, falls in love with Crysta, and helps the fairies fight against the evil logging company.

I don’t know what’s sadder. How disappointed I am by the Avatar trailer, or that I will still see the movie in theaters. What am I saying? The saddest thing is that I remember FernGully.

Wild Animals: A Survival Guide

If you spend anytime outside the safety of suburbs and their cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns and dark family secrets, it is inevitable that you will encounter a wild animal. Wild animals, as the name implies, are wild and thus dangerous and/or drunk. These encounters are fraught with deadly missteps, so here is my guide to surviving encounters with different animals.

1. Lions
If you come across a lion, it is imperative that you DO NOT RUN. Lions are unimpressed with your running because they can run much faster, which they will demonstrate right before tearing you apart with their razor sharp teeth. So instead, stand up straight and pat your head while rubbing your belly. This dazzling display of dexterity will cripple the lion with shame and jealousy, giving you time to escape uneaten.

2. Bears
If a bear finds you, it is important to make as much noise as possible while singing and dancing the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or any other popular wedding dance song from the late 80′s. Bears are notoriously proud and noble (some might say egotistical) animals, and will not lower themselves by attacking anyone acting so pathetic.

3. Gorillas
We all know the adage, “When traveling through Gorilla country, bring scotch whiskey,” but few people know why. As it turns out, Gorillas have developed quite an affinity for single malt scotch, but not the corresponding tolerance to handle it. So, if a gorilla charges, simply hold your bottle, preferably Johnnie Walker Blue Label, up high. Upon seeing your offer, the gorilla will take out the two shot glasses all gorillas carry on their person. After you both do a shot, the gorilla will lay on the ground and proceed to cry and beat its chest about the one that got away. This is your cue to make an excuse and politely leave the gorilla alone with its regrets .

4. Elephants
If an elephant attacks, simply match speeds with the lumbering beast and climb up its side (if Orlando Bloom did it in green tights and a blonde wig, then so can you). Next, crawl onto its head, and cut off a tusk using your Dremel. Take the tusk back and sell it on the black market, using your illegal profits to hire a big game hunter. Then go back to the savanna to kill the elephant and all of its relatives, because elephants never forget and hold grudges forever.

5. Wild Turkeys
Wild turkeys are actually dangerous, but thankfully incredibly stupid as well. If one tries attacking you, ask it this simple brain teaser:

Hey turkey. Let’s say you’re on a game show, and you have to choose between three closed doors. Behind one door is all the bird seed you can eat. Behind the other two doors are hungry Pilgrims. You choose door #1. Before opening the door, the game show host (who knows what is behind every door) reveals a Pilgrim behind door #2. After stopping the Pilgrim from eating you, the game show host asks if you want to stay with your choice of door #1 or switch to door #3. Should you switch doors, and why?

The turkey will probably say it doesn’t matter because it’s now 50/50 between the two remaining doors. This, of course, is wrong because the door it originally chose only had a 33% chance of being right, while the other two doors had a 67% chance. After the host removed one of the other doors out of the equation, the original door still only has a 33% chance of being right because it was chosen when all 3 doors were an option, so the remaining door has a 67% chance of being right. As the turkey tries to understand this, it will suffer a fatal massive cerebral explosion.

6. Sloths
As a general rule of thumb, sloths are pretty slow, so it’s best to just run away. THIS IS NOT TRUE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN. Americans are stereotypically famous for being stereotypically corpulent, lazy and sluggish, so there’s no way one could outrun a sloth. Americans would be wise to avoid sloth areas entirely; however if you are American and do find yourself face to face with a sloth, curl up into the fetal position, protecting your head and neck with your arms, and pray the sloth has already eaten its fill for the day.

7. Unicorns
Most people believe unicorns are gentle, loving creatures. This is because a long time ago, unicorns hired a really good PR firm. Before their “flowers and rainbows” makeover, children the word over knew unicorns to be vicious killing machines, equally adept at hunting on land, sea and air. Unicorns, in fact, are the only known natural predator of Carcharodon carcharias, commonly known as great white sharks, and in most scientific circles unicorns are credited with killing off the dinosaurs. So, if you find yourself being attacked by a unicorn, I strongly suggest you stop taking so many drugs.

8. Frat Boys
Frat boys are dangerous creatures because of their unpredictable nature–it’s impossible to tell whether they will homo-erotically grab each other, beat up a gay guy, or date rape a girl. Compounding the difficulties is their general lack of sobriety, logic or grasp of spoken language, which eliminates any attempt at reasoning with one. Your best course of action is to empty a bunch of wine coolers, refill them with rubbing alcohol and red food coloring, and challenge one to pound all six in under 2 minutes.

9. Mice
When you see a mouse, immediately jump up on the nearest table, or chair and scream in your highest pitched voice, “Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod! A mouse! Right there! It’s not there anymore, it ran away, but I saw it. I bet it’s in the walls right now. Don’t tell me to calm down, I saw a mouse. IN MY APARTMENT! No, I’m not getting traps, they’re cruel. No, the glue ones are even worse. That’s it, I can’t sleep here anymore. I can’t LIVE here anymore. I have to move.” As long as the mouse believes you are afraid, it probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

And there you have it. My fool-proof, money back guaranteed methods for surviving encounters with wild animals. If you try any of these techniques and they don’t work as advertised, you probably did something wrong.