Tweets to the Three People Who Recently Unfollowed Me

Last night, I discovered that three people unfollowed my Twitter account @AdamSacks. I did not take it well.

My Twitter Campaign Gets Nasty

A few months ago I started a campaign to get more followers on my Twitter account @AdamSacks than California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich.

Now I could understand a Senator having more followers than me, but Radanovich is just a Congressman. Winning a Congressional seat is the grown-up equivalent of winning a high school election. Sure they run on a platform of increasing lunch breaks and decreasing homework, but everyone knows they won’t have the power to actually do anything.

Though what mostly annoyed me was that George Radanovich’s tweets were so boring they made me yearn for the excitement of a floor debate on C-SPAN.

It’s been about five months since I threw down the Twitter gauntlet, so I figured it’s time to check my campaign’s progress.

First of all, hands down, I’m still beating George on the quality scale. Here’s his latest tweet (20 days old, I might add).

Versus mine (still fresh from this afternoon).

But the problem is, I’m not gaining traction with voters. When I started campaigning against Radanovich, he was leading me in the polls 499 followers to 83. Now he’s leading me 1,244 followers to 290. Some of my analysts say this is good news because I have a higher percentage growth rate. But that’s like winning the Most Improved Athlete award, which we all knows goes to whoever was the worst to begin with.

I want to crush Radanovich, so I talked it over with my campaign manager and we’ve decided to go negative. But I do have morals, so I won’t stoop so low as to compare Radanovich to Hitler. I don’t think it’s fair to compare anyone to that monster.

However, there are other monsters I’m more than willing to compare Radanovich to. Such as…

And…

But what I think all Republicans fear most are French people.

That’s right, Radanovich, the gloves are coming off.

As for everyone else, what are you waiting for? Follow me on Twitter.

Ahmadinejad and Twitter

Inside Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s office

Adviser: Sir, we have a problem.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: What? You’re still worried about those protesters? They’ll get tired eventually. And besides, our supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei is behind me, 100 percent. Just like my margin of victory in the election.

Adviser: Sir, you’re not taking the Twitter threat seriously enough.

MA: Yeah right. Those first hand accounts on Twitter are just a lot of confusing discrete bits that are hard to find and almost impossible to put together into a meaningful cohesive narrative. And besides, our Basiji shock troops are maiming and killing them at night. This will all blow over soon enough.

Adviser: But sir, we’re losing support from our most important constituency.

MA: You mean technologically-savvy, self-obsessed people living outside Iran?!?

Adviser: Exactly.

MA: How do you know this?

Adviser: It’s on Twitter. People are tinting their profile picture green.

MA: Why would they do that? They want to look sickly?

Adviser: No! It’s to show support for the opposition candidate Mir-Houssein Mousavi.

MA: Really? Because to me it just looks like they rode the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and are about to throw up.

Adviser: Sir, this is serious. We just lost another one. Take a look at what she has to say.

MA: Wow. So this seemingly clueless girl went to the trouble to learn Photoshop just so she could tint a photo of herself green in order to protest me?

Adviser: Not quite…There’s actually this website that will do it for you with just one click.

MA: Well then, I guess there’s nothing to worry about.

Adviser: Not so fast, sir. It just got worse. Look.

MA: You mean someone hates me but loves adorable puppies all lined up in a reg wagon?

Adviser: It would appear that way sir.

MA: This does not bode well for my future.

Adviser: And if you think that’s bad, check out these other, actually real Tweets by people who oppose you.

Adviser: And there are literally tens of thousands more inane posts just like this by by people with green photos. We’re in a bad spot, sir. I don’t think you have many options.

MA: I’m afraid you’re right.

Ahmadinejad takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Adviser: Thank Allah my cell phone has a camera, this is going right on TwitPic.

My Twitter Campaign

You can’t read a newspaper, blog, or news crawl on cable TV without seeing something about Twitter. Though, to be honest, I think the real story really has to with how popular Twitter is among reporters. Let’s face it, the only reason we’re seeing so many Twitter stories is because most reporters yearn to write about themselves, and their Twitter addiction seems more newsworthy than how much they play Resident Evil 4 on Wii. That said, if “everyone” thinks Twitter is going to be the next Google, wrapped in Facebook, grilled over an open eBay and served up with a side of YouTube and steak fries, who am I to argue?

Which brings me to a realization: I need to seriously step up my Twitter account @AdamSacks. I mean, United States House of Representatives have more followers than me. It’s bad enough when Congressmen have more interesting sex scandals, but to beat me on the internet is just too much.

Take California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich, for instance. He has 499 followers, whereas I only have 83. That means he’s beating me by a ratio of 6 to 1. To put that another way, at that rate, if we were running the mile in high school, he’d lap me three times before I hit the second turn and then pants me in front of the girls’ field hockey team.

Now, I could understand his popularity if his “tweets” were better than mine, but (and I’m biased) they are without a doubt much worse. I could do a whole list comparing our tweets, but let’s save some time and check out his latest versus mine.

versus

You’d have to be crazy to think this Radanovich guy should be beating me. Which is why I’m fighting back. George Radanovich may have run for Congress uncontested, but today I throw my hat into the ring to become more popular on Twitter. And I’m not afraid to get a little mud in my sling. Check out this bumper sticker.

Watch your back, George, one day I will have more followers than you. And if anyone would like to get involved in my campaign, stop wasting your time and follow me.

Shaq: Letting Down the Children

There was a time when Shaquille O’Neal cared about the children and literacy. Check out this PSA he did.

Look at that true hero–a good basketball player, great actor and best reason to learn how to read.

But sadly Shaq has turned his back on the children and on reading. I’m speaking of course about his Twitter account, @THE_REAL_SHAQ. His grammar, spelling and punctuation are so bad, he’s setting a terrible example for today’s children. Look at these random examples of Shaq’s tweets I specially picked out to illustrate my post.

Pls 4give me? U hv 20 min? U set yo self up 4 dat 1? Can these words really come from the same man that once told children, “When you know how to read, adventures come to you.” Shaq obviously doesn’t care about children any longer. Sure, he’s involved with Feed the Children, but how are they supposed to eat when they can’t even read the nutritional information?

But don’t worry, I’ve taken it upon myself to right this wrong. I created the Twitter account, @SHAQ_EDITED where I’ve started copy editing every one of Shaq’s tweets.

It’s a long process, not helped by Twitter’s limit to how many tweets you can add per hour, but I promise you I will correct every Shaq tweet until I get bored by it.

And while I don’t consider myself hero, if you want to call me one because I’m taking the time to set a good example for the children, I won’t stop you.

UPDATE

Shaq and I just took the first step on the road to becoming best friends.

Pretty soon we’ll have our own reality TV show on Mtv. It’ll be like Rob and Big, with Shaq as the rich superstar and me as the lovable bodyguard. I should probably start abusing steroids now, just to get ready.