A message to Jay Leno from Jack Paar

First off

Though I can see where Leno is coming from. He dutifully hosted The Tonight Show for 17 years, brought NBC great ratings, and yet was forced out of his job by someone less successful. If that happened to me, I’d be pretty angry. Especially if the guy before me worked for 30 years and retire when he wanted to.

But Jack Paar, The Tonight Show’s second host, said something on his last show, 48 years ago, that is still relevant today. Give it a listen (it’s only 23 seconds long).

I like that last part. “Having run out of fresh, exciting, new ideas to bring you myself, I feel I should give somebody else a turn.”

Leno was number one in the ratings, but he wasn’t fresh or exciting. If anything, his Tonight Show was like a dorodango.

If you don’t know, dorango is the Japanese art of taking dirt and polishing it into a shiny ball. Sure, it takes hard work to smooth out the bumps. And yes, a lot of people like the gloss, but underneath it’s still just dirt. And dirt isn’t interesting.

Though when did people care about what’s interesting? If anything, it’s amazing someone as different as Conan even got 7 months on The Tonight Show. Also, let’s not forget all this hubbub really boils down to choosing which rich white guy will tell us dick jokes at night. If America is satisfied with Jay’s average penis jokes, that’s their loss.

Fonzie: The Later Years

Many years after the events depicted in Happy Days, Arthur Fonzarelli realized he wanted more out of life and enrolled at the Community College of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Only taking classes taught by female professors, he graduated in a record one and a half semesters, summa cum laude with a doctorate in psychology. He opened a private practice shortly thereafter.

Bellow are the minutes from a few of Dr. Fonzarelli’s patients.

Patient 1

A knock at the door

Teenage Boy: Excuse me, is this Doctor Fonzarelli’s office?

Fonzie: Aaaayyy, what else it look like to you?

Boy: A converted garage attic.

Fonzie: Aaaay, it works, don’t it?

Boy: I guess…

Fonzie: Yeah right kid. You guess, but I know. Take a seat on the couch because the doctor is IN! (gives thumbs up)

Boy: Is that one of your white undershirts on the couch? Do you also live here?

Fonzie: Aaaay, we’re here to talk about you. What’s your problem kid?

Boy: Well…I’m having problems fitting in at school.

Fonzie: I believe it. Go on.

Boy: You see, I get picked on a lot. No one wants to be my friend.

Fonzie: You know what you’re problem is kid? You ain’t cool. Why don’t you start combing your hair like James Dean.

Boy: James who?

Fonzie: What are you, joking? James Dean is the coolest guy around.

Boy: Kids in my school like Jay-Z

Fonzie: Never heard of him. Also, when you stand, have a wide stance and stick your thumbs in your pockets like this.

Boy: That just looks weird.

Fonzie: Oh yeah and most important: wear a leather jacket.

Boy: No one in my school wears leather. We were taught that leather cruel to animals.

Fonzie: Aaaay, do you want to be as cool as me or not?

Boy: Wait, you think you’re cool?

Fonzie: Correctamundo! (gives thumbs up)

Boy begins laughing uncontrollably.

Fonzie: Quit laughing, kid. I am cool. Ask any of the kids down at Arnold’s Diner.

Boy: (still laughing) That place closed down before I was born. When’s the last time you’ve been out?

Fonzie: Maybe you should leave before I do something you regret.

The boy, still laughing, leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 2

Fonzie: Ayyy, so what’s a pretty little thing like you so sad about?

Woman: I feel like no one takes me seriously, because I’m a woman. My boss always talks down to me. My boyfriend never listens to what I have to say. It’s awful.

Fonzie: There, there sweet thing, let the Fonz make you feel all better.

Woman: What are you doing? Get away from me!

Fonzie: Playing hard to get? I can dig it. (gives thumbs up)

Woman: Get your hands off me right now.

Fonzie: What do you say you and I go to Inspiration Point so we can take this session to the next level? Ayyyy! (gives thumbs up)

Woman: You really don’t get it? This is exactly the type of behavior I’m talking about!

Fonzie: Ayyy! You said your boyfriend was from pitsville, so I was gonna give you the ol’ Fonzie experience. Show you you’ve still got it.

Woman: You’re a pig! And you’re probably as old as my grandfather. You’re lucky I don’t report you.

She leaves.

Fonzie: Aaay, your grandpops wishes he looked as good as me!

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 3

Man: My father used to terrorize me growing up, meting out harsh beatings for the tiniest things, like spilling a glass of water.

Fonzie: Aaay, I hear you. I hardly knew my Pops.

Man: You’re lucky. Because of my father’s beatings, I’m terrified of everything. He broke me, my Dad emotionally broke me, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Fonzie: Aaay, no problem. I got just the ticket.

Fonzie hits the man.

Man: Oww! Why are you hitting me?

Fonzie: It’s the Fonzie touch. You fixed yet?

Man: No, of course not.

Fonzie: Okay, tough case I guess. Let me try again.

Fonzie hits the man harder.

Man: OUCH! That really hurt.

Fonzie: But you’re all better now, right? Not all sad about your pops?

Man: (beginning to cry) No! It’s just bringing it all back.

Fonzie: All right, one last try. This one’s for all the marbles.

Fonzie hits the man even harder.

Man: (sobbing uncontrollably) NO! PLEASE STOP! Oh God, why are you beating me?

Fonzie: I don’t know what’s wrong. This always works on jukeboxes.

Man: (still crying) I’m not a jukebox!

Fonzie: Aaay, you got that right. You’re a real drag. Look at you crying all over the place. It’s embarrassing.

Man: You are awful! I’m leaving and not paying for the session.

The man leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair, but realizes his life is a failure and begins to cry.

Fonzie: I’ve wasted my life!

Thank You Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle’s appearance on Britain’s Got Talent made me question reality, more so than The Matrix even.

Apparently, someone bad at looking attractive can be good at something unrelated. What an Earth shattering revelation. How did it take me 28 years to learn this?

Sure, before Susan Boyle there was that Ugly Duckling fable, but fables use animals to represent people and that’s just confusing. Also, the titular ugly duckling is actually a swan, whereas an ugly person can resemble a wild animal but rarely belongs to a different species.

Also, there was the 1999 motion picture She’s All That, in which Freddie Prince Jr. befriends a bespectacled Rachael Leigh Cook (on a bet, of course), but then begins to fall deeply in like with her EVEN THOUGH SHE WEARS GLASSES! Sadly, halfway through She’s All That the life lesson is averted when the message switches from “people with glasses are worthwhile,” to “people with glasses can be worthwhile provided they take off their glasses and are actually really hot.”

In 2007, I almost learned my lesson when Paul Potts looked ugly but sang beautifully two years before Susan Boyle did the very same thing on the very same show.

Unfortunately I missed the whole “don’t judge a person by their appearance” message because Paul is a guy, and it’s much more common to see unattractive men on TV than unattractive women. To prove my point, here are some male and female actors from TV’s smash hit Law & Order.

vs.

In Law and Order’s world, the most important part of the New York State Bar Exam is the women’s swimsuit competition.

But thanks to Susan Boyle, we don’t live in a world of law and order anymore. Oh no, this new world is one of confusion and uncertainty where unattractive people might be capable of more than failure. It’s a frightening prospect and I desperately hope someone (attractive) will reassure me that Susan Boyle is not the beginning of a new reality but is in fact a solidification of our old way of thinking by providing us another uplifting exception that further proves the rule.

More TV Tag Lines

My last post was about the artlessly expository tag line for the TV show The Cougar (One older woman. Twenty younger men). Here are tag lines to other shows that the TV Land copywriters might have come up with.

I might do more of these later, but for now I think it’s time to take a little break from tag lines.

The Cougar: Tag lines

Hey, have you heard about “cougars?” Older women going after younger men? Of course you have because people have been beating this idea to death for way too long. We get it already. That’s what men usually do, so how hilarious is it that women do it too? Totally hilarious!

Hopefully this reality TV show will end the cougar zeitgeist.

I think what’s most repulsive to me about this (besides everything) is the total lack of creativity in the tag line. For the past two years there’s been nothing but a glut of cougar related humor and the best TV Land’s copywriting team could come up with is “One Older Woman. Twenty Younger Men.” I wonder what their tag line for Law & Order would be. Probably “Cops and Lawyers Fighting Crime.”

Here are a few better tag lines I came up with for The Cougar.

TV Land, call me. I have even better ideas for High School Reunion.

Last Late Night with Conan O\’Brien

Wow, things sure do change. I remember being twelve and staying up late to watch Conan O’Brien. Who’d have thought I’d watch his last Late Night on a Sunday afternoon, through the internet and in my boxers?

He’s moving to LA, so I thought I’d pitch some new characters inspired by his new home.

First up is Sally the Opera Singing Silicon Implant.

She sings so loud and high pitched that she bursts herself, sending silicon goo everywhere.

Second we have the Woman With Tourettes Doing Yoga.

No matter how much she tries to relax, she can’t stop cursing like a sailor.

Next up is the Anorexic Name-Dropper.

She’ll pose for any photo, and won’t shut up about what celebrities she saw last night at the club.

Introducing the Guilt Tripping Bowl of Granola.

This cereal will passive aggressively try to turn you vegan.

Meet Ben, the Guy Who Can’t Get Out of His Car Because His Butt Has Melted and Fused With His Car Seat.

His catch phrase: Can you give me a Dianetics stress test in my car?

Here we have Dick, the Guy Who Comes Up With Carl’s Jr. Ads.

He thinks everything would be better if it included a song popular from ten years ago and had more boobs. He could also be Dick, the Movie Studio Executive.

This is Edward the Economic Segragationist.

He works to keep Los Angeles as segregated as possible by refusing to hire minorities for any job that pays more than 15k a year.

And finally here is Cory the Happy Line of Cocaine.

Whatever it is you’re considering, Cory thinks it’s a great idea and you should totally do it.

And all of those ideas come from having spent only two weeks in LA a few years ago. And leaning heavily on stereotypes. Mostly the latter.

UPDATE

So you may have noticed I made a passing reference to Dianetics. Guess what church visited this post a mere 12 hours after it hit the internet? I’ll give you a hint.

Creepy. I wonder if the Pope will visit if I do a joke about Catholicism. Let’s find out.

Q: Why does the Pope wear a funny hat?

A: To hide incriminating information about priests abusing children.

Welcome to my blog, Your Excellency.

24 in 24 conversations

Conversation 1

Jack Bauer: I’ve finally learned to balance protecting my country with having a life and being happy.

– A bomb explodes, kidnapping an important diplomat and stealing a chemical/biological/nuclear/doomsday weapon.

Bauer: Better get some coffee, looks like it’s going to be one of those days.

Conversation 2

Bauer: I’m here to save the day, or the 23.5 hours left in it.

New Boss: I’m the new boss of CTU, and I don’t like your history of bending the rules. I demand complete control over my agents. Do you understand?

Bauer: I’m sorry, I was too busy loving my country to listen to a pencil pusher like yourself.

New Boss: Jack, you once shot a baby in the head.

Bauer: I was put in an unrealistic moral quandary. It was either kill a baby or let 100,000 Americans die. I did what I thought was right and I will not apologize for saving American lives, even if it was your baby I shot.

Conversation 3

Woman: I’m a female agent, but you know I’m capable because I wear understatedly sexy pantsuits instead of revealing skirts. We have a lead on the bad guy.

Bauer: I’m going alone.

Woman: No, I’m coming with you.

Bauer: Okay, but I will shoot you if need be.

Conversation 4

Woman: We snuck into their warehouse, but they’re gone!

Bauer: They knew we were coming. There must be a mole in CTU.

Woman: That’s impossible.

Bauer: It happens all the time. We should consider screening employees.

Woman: I bet the mole is the new employee that everyone hates.

Bauer: Too obvious. It’s probably the new employee that everyone likes.

Conversation 5

Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk. I’m ex-Green Berets and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll tell you everything you need to know about my boss, the Big Bad Guy!

Conversation 6

Chloe: CTU

Bauer: Chloe, I just got some clues and need you to cross-reference databases. Can you type on your computer until I run out of people to shoot and then get back to me with the information I need?

Chloe: I’m on it!

Conversation 7

New Boss: I’m going to go take care of some boring personal matter regarding my spouse/child/old-college-roommate that seems unrelated to the attacks today, but will probably end up being intimately intertwined.

Conversation 8

Woman: That was amazing the way you killed 27 guys armed with fully automatic weapons using only your pistol.

Bauer: Thanks for shooting that one guy who got the drop on me. You’re capable like a man which makes me want to kiss you.

Woman: Am I falling in love with you?

Bauer: I can’t wait to jeopardize my mission because of you.

Woman: And I’m already practicing my wistful look as you get onto a helicopter and out of my life.

Bauer: That will look so good in a split screen.

Conversation 9

Bauer: Chloe, I had to go undercover as a bad guy, and now a SWAT team is coming after me. Can you find a route out of this building?

Chloe: I’m trying Jack, but there’s a hacker/some kind of encryption. It’ll take me a few minutes.

Bauer: I don’t have a few minutes. If I want to save thousands of Americans I’ll have to kill 20 heavily armed police officers.

Chloe: That’s one tough, unrealistic moral quandary.

Bauer: What’s that, Chloe? I was too busy killing cops to hear you.

Conversation 10

Bauer: I need help, but there’s no one I can trust.

Woman: What are you going to do?

Bauer: Call the one guy I can trust.

Tony Almeida: Hello?

Bauer: Let’s get the band back together! What do you say?

Almeida: Okay, but only if you get to take all the credit.

Conversation 11

Big Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk. I’m ex-CIA and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll talk! Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for a Super Bad Guy who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Conversation 12

New Boss: Jack, so far you’ve single-handedly saved us from 18 separate terrorist attacks and gotten us more usable intelligence than every other agency combined.

Bauer: You’re welcome.

New Boss: But in doing so you’ve broken every law I can think of, so I’m putting you under arrest.

Bauer: Great, here comes a two hour diversion where I’ll have to kill even more police officers in order to save the day.

Conversation 13

Chloe: CTU

Bauer: Chloe, I don’t have time to explain.

Chloe: What do you need?

Bauer: You’re wasting time, just do it!

Chloe: Do what?

Bauer: I’ll explain later.

Conversation 14

New Boss: Oh my god, half the city was just killed by a nuclear/chemical/biological agent.

Chloe: Maybe if you trusted Jack this could have been avoided.

New Boss: I’m too proud to admit I’m wrong. When will they stop promoting people like me to positions of importance?

Conversation 15

Super Bad Guy: I’m putting you in an unrealistic moral quandary, Jack Bauer. One bus has 49 school children on it. The other has 50 prisoners. You can only save one bus. Who do you choose?

Prisoners: We’re scary looking!

School Children: We’re young and adorable.

Bauer: Sorry children, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Conversation 16

Hot Brunette Woman: Hi, I’m a totally hot brunette, do you think you can trust me?

Bauer: Let’s find out.

– Jack shoots her in the leg

Hot Brunette: Okay, I’ll talk. I’m a double agent. All hot brunettes are double agents and can’t be trusted. Now you know our secret.

Conversation 17

Chloe: Jack, it really looks like we’re making progress. I’m feeling relieved.

Bauer: Don’t be, the hour is almost up.

Chloe: What’s that have to do with anything?

Bauer: Two minutes before the end of each hour, something unexpected and awful happens. Haven’t you noticed that by now?

Conversation 18

Super Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk. I’m ex-MOSSAD and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Super Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll talk! Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for an Evil Mastermind who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Almeida: Will these layers of intrigue ever end?

Bauer: Apparently not.

Conversation 19

Evil Mastermind: My first 20 terrorist attempts for today–any one of which would have completely destroyed America–have been foiled. Thankfully I have a few more planned as back-up.

Conversation 20

The President: An Evil Mastermind has just given me an hour to comply with his demands or else there’ll be a huge terrorist attack in America. If only someone could stop the attack within the hour so that I don’t have to negotiate with terrorists.

Bauer: I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Chloe: I found you a short cut.

Bauer: I made it!

Conversation 21

Evil Mastermind: Jack Bauer, I’m putting you in an unrealistic moral quandary.

Bauer: You mean I’m not done with these for today?

Evil Mastermind: I kidnapped some random innocent guy and the woman you met today and might be falling in love-interest with. You can only save one of them, who will it be?

Bauer: Either way, an innocent American dies…

– Bauer shoots his love interest.

Evil Mastermind: Why’d you do that?!?

Bauer: If someone is going to die, I want to pull the trigger. I like shooting people.

Evil Mastermind: But she was your love-interest for today!

Bauer: America is my only love-interest.

Conversation 22

Almeida: Jack, I was just shot, burned and exploded.

Bauer: I wish I could stay and be with you in your last moments, but the mission isn’t done and the clock’s ticking.

Almeida: Go save America again.

Bauer: And who knows, Tony. Maybe once I leave, you won’t actually die and we’ll meet again in a few years.

Almeida: You always were an optimist, Jack.

Conversation 23

Evil Mastermind: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk. I’m ex-Taliban and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Evil Mastermind: Okay, I’ll talk! Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for an Even More Evil Mastermind who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Bauer: That’s impossible. The day is almost over, we gotta wrap this up.

Evil Mastermind: You saw through my lie! Here’s the password/antidote/location you need to save the day.

Conversation 24

New Boss: Jack I have to commend you on a job well done. Please know that in the future myself and everyone else at CTU trusts you enough to do things your way out in the field.

Jack: Thank you sir, I appreciate that.

–A sniper kills everyone who trusts Jack.

Jack: Looks like another long day of proving myself. God I love America.