Helping “Master” Photographers

I’m not one to disregard everything that has come before me, but let’s face it, a lot of so called “master photographers” weren’t all that great. And the reason is quite simple. They were born before the advent of Photoshop. Thankfully there are people, such as myself, who can help them out.

Ansel Adams

Look, Ansel, you’re a master of controlling values, but anyone can hop in an RV, tool around some national park and take the same basic photo. If only you weren’t so confined by reality, maybe you could have shown us something truly spectacular and worth talking about. Something like…

Boom. I don’t care how many times you’ve been to Grand Teton National Park, you’ve never seen it like this.

Update (1/18/09) I made this a desktop wallpaper. Choose your size. 1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Walker Evans

Walker, the photos you took in the 30′s for the Farm Security Administration really bring home the suffering caused by the Great Depression. But at some point during your journeys, you must have thought, “Why do they all have to be so gosh darn ugly? And their skin, my god, have they never heard of moisturizer?” At the time, you couldn’t fix these glaring problems, but I am more capable than you…

I’m sure Allie Mae Burroughs had a delightful personality, but look how much more delightful her personality is with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell’s face.

Brassaï

Hey Brassaï, nighttime photos of Paris are nice and all, but it’s called La Ville-Lumière, not La Ville-Too-Dark-To-Tell-What-You’re-Looking-At. Your darkroom must have had some serious light leaks, but don’t worry, I’ve fixed it for you.

It’s called a Curves adjustment layer, and you’re welcome.

Man Ray

Oh, look at me, I have a crazy name and I do crazy things like expose my prints to bright lights during development so that dark areas become light and light areas become dark. Those sorts of shenanigans may have impressed the fine art world in the 30′s, but you’ve got to step up your game. Have you considered…

Lens Flares! Now we’re cooking with avant-garde.

Alfred Eisenstaedt

Jeeze, your photo editor at Life must have been sleeping on the job the day you turned this photo in. We just declared victory over Japan and all you got was a drab black and white photo. Where’s the razzle dazzle, Al?

Now I know I’m supposed to be happy. Also notice my subtle use of hearts, which help to reinforce the feeling of cheer without drawing undue attention to itself.

Robert Frank

Hey Bobby, what did they teach you over there in Swiss photo school? Don’t you know the most important part of a person is their face? You totally covered it up by the tuba. Otherwise it’s a pretty decent photo, so let me help you out…

All better. And if you look closely you’ll see I made the tuba player Dizzy Gillespie. Sure it probably wasn’t Dizzy playing the tuba (I think he played the trombone or something), but it makes for a more interesting photo to have someone famous in it.

Diane Arbus

What is going on here? Photos of kids are supposed to be cute and adorable, Diane. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this an F. Lucky for you, all is not lost…

There’s a smile! I also Steven Spielberged out the grenade and replaced it with a bunny, so you can sell it to Hallmark. Thank me with a 20 percent cut from any subsequent sales.

Tom Kelley

Who knew when you were taking nude photos of a young starlet that she would one day become the world’s greatest sex symbol? To bad that by today’s standards, Marilyn Monroe’s proportions make her a fat cow. But all is not lost…

Va-va-voom! Now that’s something the kids today will go for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many terrible, awful photos from history that are in dire need of my help. But I am only one man; there is only so much I can do. Perhaps in the future I’ll do more to help, but for now I must go sleep the sleep of the righteous and just.