Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic

That’s it. I have to break up with my girlfriend. She is fantastic for me personally, but for me professionally, she’s a disaster. We’ve been together 6 months and it’s been so smooth I have nothing to complain about. Bob’s got a 3 minute bit about the time his girlfriend flipped out when he brought her a Coke instead of Diet Coke. All I’ve got to talk about is how loving and supportive she is. How can you make that funny?

It’s awful, she’s the perfect woman. She likes watching sports, drinking beer and is better than me at video games. She’s busy with her own life and never complains when I’m out late with my guy friends. Oh, and when it comes to sex, she probably wants it more than me. Last night when I was tired and had a headache, she practically forced herself on me. Honestly, if the roles were reversed you could have made a good argument for date rape. But what am I supposed to do with that? Go on stage and complain about how much I’m getting laid?

Things are going so well, that I started actively trying to provoke arguments, just to give me something to work with. I stopped complimenting her appearance, but she hasn’t seemed to notice. For a while I was gushing about how hot her friends were, and now she won’t stop talking about menage-trois. And when I “accidentally” forgot Valentine’s Day, you know what she did? Talk about how it’s a stupid holiday invented by Hallmark. And then, for her birthday I got her a cake with nuts-because I know she’s allergic-but after the EMT worker reopened her airway, she told me “It’s the thought that counts.”

Seriously, this woman is giving me nothing to work with. Right now my act now is a five minute rumination on why Cheez-Its have holes in the center. She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I’m going to make it in this industry I’ve gotta break up with her and start dating some crazy chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues. That’ll get me a sitcom deal within the year, no doubt.

Thoughts of a 15 year old boy

I have got to say: This moustache of mine is looking pretty good. It took all summer, but it was worth it. Maybe I can’t grow a full goatee yet, but this lip rug is looking mighty sharp.

I went to get pizza the other day, and you know what the guy behind the counter said to me? He said, “What can I getcha, boss?” That’s right. Boss.

I already bought some moustache wax. By Thanksgiving break I’ll be styling this puppy up like the warrior dwarves in World of Warcraft. I can’t wait to post that picture on Facebook; my guild mates will be so jealous. Maybe I’ll even get to lead a raiding party.

Only four days until school starts, I can’t wait. “Hey, who’s that new guy with the moustache? He looks so mysterious and cool. Oh my god, it’s Ben? Wow, I never noticed how incredibly sexy he is.” I’ll get my first kiss this year, for sure. And I bet it’ll be with Jenny, too. Sure Rob may be in a band, but I’ll probably be able to buy her beer. What’s more attractive, bad My Chemical Romance rip offs or Miller Lite whenever you want it? Check and mate, Rob!

You and me moustache. We’re going to have one great year.