A message to Jay Leno from Jack Paar

First off

Though I can see where Leno is coming from. He dutifully hosted The Tonight Show for 17 years, brought NBC great ratings, and yet was forced out of his job by someone less successful. If that happened to me, I’d be pretty angry. Especially if the guy before me worked for 30 years and retire when he wanted to.

But Jack Paar, The Tonight Show’s second host, said something on his last show, 48 years ago, that is still relevant today. Give it a listen (it’s only 23 seconds long).

I like that last part. “Having run out of fresh, exciting, new ideas to bring you myself, I feel I should give somebody else a turn.”

Leno was number one in the ratings, but he wasn’t fresh or exciting. If anything, his Tonight Show was like a dorodango.

If you don’t know, dorango is the Japanese art of taking dirt and polishing it into a shiny ball. Sure, it takes hard work to smooth out the bumps. And yes, a lot of people like the gloss, but underneath it’s still just dirt. And dirt isn’t interesting.

Though when did people care about what’s interesting? If anything, it’s amazing someone as different as Conan even got 7 months on The Tonight Show. Also, let’s not forget all this hubbub really boils down to choosing which rich white guy will tell us dick jokes at night. If America is satisfied with Jay’s average penis jokes, that’s their loss.

Last Late Night with Conan O\’Brien

Wow, things sure do change. I remember being twelve and staying up late to watch Conan O’Brien. Who’d have thought I’d watch his last Late Night on a Sunday afternoon, through the internet and in my boxers?

He’s moving to LA, so I thought I’d pitch some new characters inspired by his new home.

First up is Sally the Opera Singing Silicon Implant.

She sings so loud and high pitched that she bursts herself, sending silicon goo everywhere.

Second we have the Woman With Tourettes Doing Yoga.

No matter how much she tries to relax, she can’t stop cursing like a sailor.

Next up is the Anorexic Name-Dropper.

She’ll pose for any photo, and won’t shut up about what celebrities she saw last night at the club.

Introducing the Guilt Tripping Bowl of Granola.

This cereal will passive aggressively try to turn you vegan.

Meet Ben, the Guy Who Can’t Get Out of His Car Because His Butt Has Melted and Fused With His Car Seat.

His catch phrase: Can you give me a Dianetics stress test in my car?

Here we have Dick, the Guy Who Comes Up With Carl’s Jr. Ads.

He thinks everything would be better if it included a song popular from ten years ago and had more boobs. He could also be Dick, the Movie Studio Executive.

This is Edward the Economic Segragationist.

He works to keep Los Angeles as segregated as possible by refusing to hire minorities for any job that pays more than 15k a year.

And finally here is Cory the Happy Line of Cocaine.

Whatever it is you’re considering, Cory thinks it’s a great idea and you should totally do it.

And all of those ideas come from having spent only two weeks in LA a few years ago. And leaning heavily on stereotypes. Mostly the latter.

UPDATE

So you may have noticed I made a passing reference to Dianetics. Guess what church visited this post a mere 12 hours after it hit the internet? I’ll give you a hint.

Creepy. I wonder if the Pope will visit if I do a joke about Catholicism. Let’s find out.

Q: Why does the Pope wear a funny hat?

A: To hide incriminating information about priests abusing children.

Welcome to my blog, Your Excellency.