Comedy Terrorism

I almost forgot my backpack on the subway. It would have been pretty bad if I left it there.

Ernie Anastos: Welcome to Fox 5 News at 10. Our top story tonight: A possible terrorist threat shuts down subways near midtown. Ti-Hua Chang has the story.

Ti-Hua Chang: Thanks Ernie. The NYPD bomb squad was called in earlier today after passengers noticed an unattended red backpack on an uptown N train. They expected to find an explosive device, but what they discovered was much worse.

Anastos: What was that?

Chang: The first draft of a Modern Family spec script.

Anastos: Horrifying.

Chang: Indeed. Is there anything more dangerous and lacking in social value than a spec script for a network television situation comedy?

Anastos: Absolutely not. And to just leave it there in a public place where innocent women and children could read it and rot their brains?

Chang: Scary stuff. And to make matters worse, the script was terrible. Three police officers were injured while reading the flawed C storyline involving Mitchell helping Jay buy a present for Gloria. Not to mention the hours of police work wasted trying to punch up the uninspired Phil one-liners.

Anastos: Have police caught the person responsible for this drivel?

Chang: Not yet. The writer’s name is Adam Sacks and he is currently missing. The FBI raided Sacks’s apartment and found a huge stockpile of comedy sketches and lists with ideas for new projects.

Anastos: So he planned to strike again?

Chang: It appears so. Here’s just a small sampling of his sick, underdeveloped ideas. “Ninja dressed in corduroy can’t be stealthy,” “Literary critic stuck in cliche dream with flat characters,” and “CSI: CSNY” which appears to be a one act musical parody of police procedurals.

Anastos: Do authorities have any idea where Sacks might be hiding?

Chang: According to his roommate and parents, Sacks has been spending a lot of time with like-minded misguided youths in training centers and theaters hidden underground or behind bars.

Anastos: You mean to say there are training camps right in our midst?

Chang: It appears so. The CIA just released this composite photo of what they think Sacks looks like now.

Chang: Anyone with a lead on his whereabouts is asked to call Homeland Security immediately.

Of Mosque and Men

In case you haven’t read the news in the past month, there are plans to build an Islamic community center a few blocks from New York City’s Ground Zero. This has angered a lot of people who think the terrorists win if a moderate Muslim center is built nearby the site of of an Islamic-extremist terrorist attack.

Or to put it another way

Excellent point. If a Muslim country like Saudi Arabia forbids building churches and synagogues, we must do the same and ban mosques. We cannot afford a religious-intolerance gap!

And if we’re going to keep up with Saudi Arabia, there are a lot of other changes we need to make.

Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow public demonstrations. These anti-mosque protesters are actually hurting America by exercising a right Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow. That guy’s sign should really say

And when conservatives call for the repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment because it gives citizenship to babies of illegal immigrants born in America, they are missing a much bigger problem. What we really need to repeal is the Twenty-First Amendment, which repeals the Eighteenth Amendment which bans alcohol. Saudi Arabia has been beating us on the prohibition front for too long.

Also, Sarah Palin, I know you’re trying to help America, but you’re holding us back. Please consider my redesign of your book cover.

Because the only way to beat the terrorists is to become equally intolerant.