Comedy Terrorism

I almost forgot my backpack on the subway. It would have been pretty bad if I left it there.

Ernie Anastos: Welcome to Fox 5 News at 10. Our top story tonight: A possible terrorist threat shuts down subways near midtown. Ti-Hua Chang has the story.

Ti-Hua Chang: Thanks Ernie. The NYPD bomb squad was called in earlier today after passengers noticed an unattended red backpack on an uptown N train. They expected to find an explosive device, but what they discovered was much worse.

Anastos: What was that?

Chang: The first draft of a Modern Family spec script.

Anastos: Horrifying.

Chang: Indeed. Is there anything more dangerous and lacking in social value than a spec script for a network television situation comedy?

Anastos: Absolutely not. And to just leave it there in a public place where innocent women and children could read it and rot their brains?

Chang: Scary stuff. And to make matters worse, the script was terrible. Three police officers were injured while reading the flawed C storyline involving Mitchell helping Jay buy a present for Gloria. Not to mention the hours of police work wasted trying to punch up the uninspired Phil one-liners.

Anastos: Have police caught the person responsible for this drivel?

Chang: Not yet. The writer’s name is Adam Sacks and he is currently missing. The FBI raided Sacks’s apartment and found a huge stockpile of comedy sketches and lists with ideas for new projects.

Anastos: So he planned to strike again?

Chang: It appears so. Here’s just a small sampling of his sick, underdeveloped ideas. “Ninja dressed in corduroy can’t be stealthy,” “Literary critic stuck in cliche dream with flat characters,” and “CSI: CSNY” which appears to be a one act musical parody of police procedurals.

Anastos: Do authorities have any idea where Sacks might be hiding?

Chang: According to his roommate and parents, Sacks has been spending a lot of time with like-minded misguided youths in training centers and theaters hidden underground or behind bars.

Anastos: You mean to say there are training camps right in our midst?

Chang: It appears so. The CIA just released this composite photo of what they think Sacks looks like now.

Chang: Anyone with a lead on his whereabouts is asked to call Homeland Security immediately.

I got your back, Zune.

Did you know Microsoft recently released a new Zune? No, you didn’t. And since I always root for the underdog, I decided to help Microsoft out with their ad campaign.

I’m not going to lie, this works on a lot of levels, but I think graphic designers will really appreciate my use of the font Arial to represent Zune while keeping the iPhone type in Helvetica. This is because font fanatics, like comic book dorks and Civil War reenactors, dedicate their lives to obscure minutia that doesn’t matter.

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent. I could not agree more. No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

More Wet Paint Anagrams

For those who missed it, back in January I took some New York City subway “Wet Paint” signs and rearranged the letters to say other things.

Afterwords I thought of some more Wet Paint anagrams, but none really seemed worth a second post. That is, until I thought to use two signs.

Enjoy.

And I think that about does it for wet paint signs.

Suspicious Subway Sights

In the wake of 9/11, the New York subways started the “If you see something, say something.” campaign.

What I like most about this campaign is how I interpret it to be the Metropolitan Transit Authority deputizing me to personally dispense justice to the subterranean world.

However, I am not perfect. I’ve seen many suspicious things that I kept to myself. So, in the spirit of honesty and transparency, here’s a list of everything I failed to report to a police officer or MTA employee.

1. Someone without an iPod.

2. A quiet group of high school kids.

3. A crowded train without anyone reading Atlas Shrugged.

4. A passed out drunk who hasn’t wet himself.

5. A tastefully done advertisement for Dr. Zizmor.

6. People moving all the way into the subway during rush hour, instead of crowding the doors.

7. Detailed and anatomically accurate penis graffiti.

8. A guy successfully getting a girl’s number.

9. A late night G train running normally.

10. Out of work Julliard grads trying to make rent.

I know, it’s shameful how many times I stayed silent, but it feels good to come clean. It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. From now on I promise to be more vigilant, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me my past transgressions.

John Roland: Compensated Spokesperson

If you live in New York City, you may have noticed this advertisement in the subway.

Wilens & Baker, P.C. really knocked it out of the park when they hired John Roland to be their spokesperson. I mean look at him.

He is such the perfect combination of old and white, that you can’t help but trust the guy. I would like to get injured on the job, just so I can use the services John Roland is paid to speak for.

It saddens and angers me that John Roland wasted 40 years of his life as a news anchor, when he could have spent that time pushing more products. Seriously, I doubt we would even be in this economic crisis if John Roland was out there more, instilling consumer confidence. Who could resist an advertisement like this?

If John Roland accepts money to tell me to eat dog food, I’ll eat dog food.

Or even…

But really, none of these take full advantage of John Roland’s trust inducing visage. Let’s dream really big.

That’s right. John Roland could take out an advertisement conning me into buying the Brooklyn Bridge, and not only would he get my entire life savings, he would get away with it. What jury could possibly convict John Roland? Maybe a jury of robots, but I doubt even their cold silicon hearts can deny his soulful eyes and open face.

Wet Paint Anagrams

If you live in New York City, you have undoubtedly seen the Wet Paint signs in the subway, and have also seen the sign rearranged to say Aint Wet.

Whoever first thought to tear off the P and rearrange the words is a genius. So perfect in both form and function, it’s hard to believe the idea ever did not exist.

But I am not content with such utilitarian ideas. It is the superfluous and sublime that captivate me. Are there other anagrams that can open eyes and lift spirits?

In other words, can I be the love child of Will Shortz and Andy Goldsworthy?

And if so, isn’t that worth a few unexpected paint stains?