Adam Thinks » Stand-Up

The Kings of Pataskala Comedy

Adam — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:22:27 +0000

Watch out residents of Pataskala, Ohio, there’s a comedy show made specifically for you.

Here’s the latest video I wrote with Zack Phillips for The Brig.

Written by me and Zack Phillips
Directed by Nathan Russell
Shot by Nathan Russell and me
Edited by Andy Bond
Graphics by me
Produced by Moujan Zolfaghari
Starring Birch Harms, Abra Tabak, Timothy Dunn, Mamrie Hart, Josh Patten, Sean Hart, and Michael Hartney
Featuring Moujan Zolfaghari and Nathan Russell

The Kings of Pataskala Comedy

Baby Vs Andrew Dice Clay

Adam — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 14:11:18 +0000

Arguably the Dice Man’s greatest audience ever.

Baby Vs Andrew Dice Clay

Baby Vs Dane Cook

Adam — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 04:42:58 +0000

Here are some more little known facts about the viciousness of babies.

• According to the military general Ptolemy, Alexander the Great conquered most of Mesopotamia before turning six months old.

• Human sacrifices in Ancient Maya were carried out by an elite priesthood of babies.

• British mariner Sir Francis Drake defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588 by throwing babies on board the Spanish ships, who then tore apart both ship and crew with their bare hands.

• The philosopher Descartes’ famous conclusion was originally Infantia formido ergo sum, or “I fear babies, therefore I am,” but after receiving multiple death threats scrawled on used diapers, he toned down his rhetoric.

Baby Vs Dane Cook

Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic

Adam — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 06:23:29 +0000

That’s it. I have to break up with my girlfriend. She is fantastic for me personally, but for me professionally, she’s a disaster. We’ve been together 6 months and it’s been so smooth I have nothing to complain about. Bob’s got a 3 minute bit about the time his girlfriend flipped out when he brought her a Coke instead of Diet Coke. All I’ve got to talk about is how loving and supportive she is. How can you make that funny?

It’s awful, she’s the perfect woman. She likes watching sports, drinking beer and is better than me at video games. She’s busy with her own life and never complains when I’m out late with my guy friends. Oh, and when it comes to sex, she probably wants it more than me. Last night when I was tired and had a headache, she practically forced herself on me. Honestly, if the roles were reversed you could have made a good argument for date rape. But what am I supposed to do with that? Go on stage and complain about how much I’m getting laid?

Things are going so well, that I started actively trying to provoke arguments, just to give me something to work with. I stopped complimenting her appearance, but she hasn’t seemed to notice. For a while I was gushing about how hot her friends were, and now she won’t stop talking about menage-trois. And when I “accidentally” forgot Valentine’s Day, you know what she did? Talk about how it’s a stupid holiday invented by Hallmark. And then, for her birthday I got her a cake with nuts-because I know she’s allergic-but after the EMT worker reopened her airway, she told me “It’s the thought that counts.”

Seriously, this woman is giving me nothing to work with. Right now my act now is a five minute rumination on why Cheez-Its have holes in the center. She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I’m going to make it in this industry I’ve gotta break up with her and start dating some crazy chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues. That’ll get me a sitcom deal within the year, no doubt.

Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic