Mad Men Season 3 Spoilers

Most TV journalists have been thwarted in their efforts to discover anything about the upcoming season of Mad Men. But I’m much better than those hacks. Here are some totally true, no lie, money back guaranteed accurate storylines for season three of Mad Men.

Responding to growing criticism about Mad Man not tackling the race problems of 1960′s America, Bill Cosby guest stars for three episodes as Sterling Cooper’s new copywriter.

Joan Holloway is fired by Roger Sterling after she gets fat.

Seeking to add stronger female characters into the show, Paris Hilton guest stars as Susan Sontag.

Peggy’s secret child becomes a bigger problem when he develops an overactive pituitary gland at age 7.

And finally Jude Law guest stars as a British advertising man who works fewer hours, makes more money, puts in less effort to sleep with more women, and hides an even more secretive and less likely back story than Don Draper.

For more storyline you’ll just have to wait until the Mad Men season premier on August 16th. And a big thanks to the Mad Men Yourself website which I used to create these images.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit. Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures. Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy. I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.