Gay Marriage: A Solution

Committed gay couples, I have solved your marriage problem. When even California votes against your right to marry, I think it’s time to admit that appealing to basic human decency isn’t going to work.

First of all, let’s see what opponents mean when they say that marriage is a sacred institution which gay love will destroy. Consider this very real imagined scenario.

Lance: Richard, I love you and want us to spend the rest of our lives together in a committed relationship. Will you marry me?

Richard: Yes.

Lance: Why is the ground shaking and the sky tearing apart?

Richard: We’ve upset the natural balance, and now everyone in the world will be sucked into an immoral void!

Scary stuff. I don’t care how gay you are, no one wants the Earth pulled into a black hole. But look how just one slight word change can ensure our survival.

Lance: Richard, I love you and want us to spend the rest of our lives together in a committed relationship. Will you gaymarry me?

Richard: Yes!

Lance: What a beautiful, disaster-free day this is.

Richard: Oh look, a rainbow!

By ditching “marriage,” (a word conservatives put a surprising amount of importance behind when you consider their tendency to divorce) for “gaymarriage,” we avert world disaster. Now you may say that gaymarriage in lieu of marriage is no different than a civil union; it allows the same rights, but denies gay couples the same respect and dignity, relegating them to a separate but “equal” ghetto.

But that’s where you’re not thinking in the long term. While civil unions sound like the spurious offspring of jury duty and the DMV, gaymarriage is a brand you can work with. Sure it’s separate from marriage, but it can be so much more than equal. Think of this as another Cold War. Capitalism didn’t win over communism because communism is a deeply flawed system that believes the people in power will act in the best interests of everyone, whereas capitalism knows a system will only work if it assumes everyone is selfish and awful. Oh no, capitalism won because blue jeans and rock and roll are far more fun than bread lines and Siberian work prisons.

If you can’t join marriage, beat it. And if the past 40 years have taught us anything, it’s that whether it be moisturizing creams, body waxing or AIDS, whatever is popular in the gay community will eventually be co-opted by the straight community. So embrace gaymarriage. Anytime you’re out be sure to say things like “Gaymarriage is so easy,” or “I can’t believe I ever wanted to get married. Gaymarriage is like 20 times better,” loud enough so that straight couples can hear you and get jealous. Sure, gaymarriage will actually be as much work as marriage, but if there’s one thing straight people like to do, it’s and assume gay people have more fun. Use that to your advantage.

But why tirelessly promote gaymarriage? Because Sex in the City is a franchise that woman of all political, economic and social backgrounds inexplicably believe every word of. Eventually they’ll release another movie, and if you’ve played your cards right, this scene will be in it.

After that, it’s only a matter of time. Gaymarriage will spread in popularity across America faster than The Rabbit, and the institution of marriage will crumble as everyone jumps aboard the gaymarriage bandwagon.

It’s poetic, really. In looking to preserve the institution of marriage by banning gay couples, conservatives merely sowed the seeds of their own defeat.