Thinks!

I stopped doing Google search posts because I couldn’t imagine anyone else caring, but this is special. Right now, if you google “thinks,” I’m the 9th result.

I also look like a raging anti-Semite, so it’s a bit of a mixed blessing, but I’ll take it. Watch out Cogito ergo sum, I’m gunning for your number 7 spot next.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!

How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend

Here’s the first comedy video I ever made, way back in 2007.

A little background: Two years ago, my website statistics told me that someone found my blog by googling “How to get an attractive girlfriend.” Somewhat amused, I tried the search myself and was shocked to discover that I was the ONLY website that came up. Not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity, I immediately made this infomercial.

Of course, if I was to make this video today, there are a lot of things I would do differently (three words: more sound effects) but it does have a certain charm.

And in case you’re wondering, I came up as a Google result because of this “review” I wrote of the movie Knocked Up.

Average guy gets hot girl by getting her pregnant. It sorta seems like a misguided fantasy a loser would come up with for how to get an attractive girlfriend.

More Google Searches

The weird Google searches that lead people to my website continue. Here’s a bunch, all from the last month, in order of their Google ranking.

gorillas dancing to the electric slide – 1st!!!

botticelli paint aliens – 1st

how mcdonalds advertising give you a warm fuzzy feeling – 1st

what is a good thesis for a paper on battle star galactica – 2nd

why honor wolf blitzer – 2nd

A POOR BOY HELPING A BLIND MAN WITH ONLY A PHOTO – 2nd

statue of old man with skull and wild animal – 2nd

im writing a letter to mountain dew so what do i use for there address – 3rd

french sissies – 4th

pituitary gland dan brown – 4th

what you can smell in russia – 5th

are guys ugly? – 5th

former news anchor on fox, blonde, chubby -6th

Angela Merkel NAKED PICTURE – 6th

Here’s what Angela Merkel looks like clothed.

what’s worse than a hobbit – 8th

i’m tired of the government stealing my money – 8th

girls who date frat boys will regret it later – 9th

letter why I want to be editor in chief – 9th

“juice box” onan -9th. Creepy considering Onan is the biblical figure who God killed because he “spilled his seed.”

alien unicorns – 10th

rearranging den for mother – 15th

is God okay with soap operas – 15th

will a gorilla rape a person? – 19th

Yes, all of these were within a 30 day period. If this keeps up, I’ll have to make Google searches a monthly post.

Google Searches

One of the joys of having a website is seeing what Google searches bring people to your site.

Recently, people end up at AdamThinks for one of two reasons. Either to find spoilers for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol, or to find spoilers for Kate Beckinsale’s new movie Whiteout.

It is amazing to me that anyone actually thinks Whiteout has a plot that could be spoiled.

But there are also a lot of strange search strings that bring people here, and I’ve been saving up the good ones for a few months now. I hope you find them amusing.

Without a doubt, my favorite search of all time is can i make it look good? or am i gonna look like a crazy giraffe with rabies. Not only is that an awesome thing to search for, but I am the number one Google result! I could not be happier, even though for the rest of my life I will be obsessed with what “it” is that might make someone look like a crazy giraffe with rabies. And for those of you wondering what a crazy giraffe with rabies looks like, I made this.

Somewhat surprisingly, if you search I have a cut open to the skull, I am also the number one result. I feel really bad for the person who googled that and ended up here. I guess they never thought to google 911.

Also filed under, “Not what I was looking for” is breaking a death news to employees – letter which brings me up 9th. And I’m first if you search death letters to professor. I would love to know what that person was actually looking for. Did he want tips on writing a death threat to a professor, or just for a way to write to a dead professor? Either way, I wish my website could have been more of a help.

Painted deathskull weird boy ranks me the 5th most authoritative source on odd young men’s decorated skulls.

Search Perfume us army new line and I come up 3rd. For the life of me, I can’t imagine what an army themed perfume would smell like (ass kicking and bubblegum?), but I would love to see that commercial.

I’m 6th if you search ct and adam fight was adam really afraid for his life? Let me answer that right now. Yes, I was afraid for my life. You try fighting the entire state of Connecticut and not fear death.

Film poster psychedelic body brings me up second. I am furious that I’m not number one. There is no better place on the internet than right here to find bodies tripping on acid while advertising movies.

I’m also second if you search Egotistical wild animals. Egotistical wild animals? Awesome. On the flip side, I rank 4th under do wild animals cry (turkeys)? which would be an awesome Prince song. And people searching for adages about gorillas will find me listed second.

I’m number one for “Hostile Takeover” Movie porn which does not speak well for that movie’s promotional team.

Hippy desktop wallpaper ranks me 14th. That’s sorta a bummer, man, but we’re all in this together, you know?

I come up 7th if you’re asking why do cheez-its have holes in the center. I’m just glad there are other people who wonder about that too.

I’m the 17th result if you search how did fonzie get so cool? But that’s like asking “How is water wet?” It just is. And while we’re on the subject of Fonzie, seaching fonzie ayyy brings me up 4th, which I think is funny, because I wonder what someone was wanting to know about Fonzie, that they had to include “ayyy” to get the right result.

I am listed 20th if you search sissies gone wild. That is probably not something to brag about.

Speaking of things to not brag about, if you’re looking for penis tag lines, I’m 24th.

But if you want some good tag lines for women, I’m ranked 5th, which is worth a brag.

I’m 10th under obama porn photoshop pictures. As you can imagine, that’s a real windfall for me, because who doesn’t search for Obama porn photoshop pictures at least once a day?

Walmart m1 tank lists me 11th. Did someone really think they could buy a tank at Walmart?

I’m second for I’m on a death trap baby true blood which is the most beautiful refrigerator magnet poetry I’ve read in quite some time.

I’m also the second result for “nazi germany” up pixar, so it’s nice to know I’ve got the Disney loving Nazis demographic on my side.

And then there are searches that freak me out enough that I didn’t follow up to find my Google ranking.

1. sexy 15 year old boy

2. sexy thoughts for 15 year old

3. got a moustache and 15 years old boy

4. NUDE KIDS

5. cook baby porn

6. twitter/baby porn

7. gay boys taking it

I don’ t know what’s worse, that people searched for those things, or that those searches lead them here. Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed my website, because I’ll probably be shut down soon.