Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first.  That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves.  Were there get pigs in a blanket?  How about chicken satay?  I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it.  Does he wear Old Spice?  Is he a Power Stick man?  Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews.  Forget those fluff pieces!  Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book.  That’s NEWS, baby!  New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story?  Well, how did they get past the Secret Service?  Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that?  Really?  Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner.  Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead.  We’re looking to the future, to movies.  Specifically sex tapes.  And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!  And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really?  They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape!  Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House.  That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal?  Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball.  I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What?  You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer.  Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

Advice: How to Make Friends

When you become a hugely famous and respected intellectual, such as myself, people e-mail you with questions all the time.  Usually I don’t respond because I want to appear aloof and distant even though I secretly love the attention, but there is one question that comes up so much I feel moved to respond.

I just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone.  How can I make friends?

Great question people who really exist and e-mailed me this question that I didn’t make up as an excuse for the rest of this post.

First off, if you’re a really good cook, I’d suggest taking a cooking class so you can show off, look really cool, and make everyone want to hang out with you to learn your red wine reduction sauce secret.

Also, the Strictly Platonic section of Craigslistis is full of people just looking for friends and who aren’t too embarrassed to admit what they really want.  Check out this guy, for example.

Wow.  He obviously wants non-romantic female friends.  Which brings me to my third suggestion: e-mail strangers cute love stories.  Nothing says “I’m a well balanced individual seeking new friends” like sharing fantasies where your insecurities are overcome by plot contrivances.

But without a doubt, the number one best way to make new friends is to get on a reality television show.  Why?  Because every show has a loudmouth brassy cast member who truly cares about everyone else and aggressively wants to make friends.  Don’t believe me?  Watch this unedited video.

Well, I think I answered that question pretty thoroughly.  If you’ve got a question that needs the type of quality answer only I can provide, feel free to e-mail me.