Hollywood Walk-Off

For movies, January and February are usually a boring time when the Hollywood studios, after blowing all their cash promoting year end oscar-baiting films, release sub-par movies no one cares about. But not this year! In the coming weeks, a battle of epic proportions will be waged in theaters across the country by Hollywood’s A-list talent. I’m speaking of course, about the Hollywood Walk-Off.

The battle begins January 22nd with the release of Extraordinary Measures.

Which tells the stirring story of Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser, reprising their roles from Indiana Jones and The Mummy, as they walk through a hallway paved in brick, or some sort of indoor horse stable. Advanced buzz says Brendan Fraser’s performance is so good Harrison Ford generously gave him top billing.

The next week, Mel Gibson walks out from the Edge of Darkness.

Mel Gibson plays a married cop angrily walking around, looking for his gun holster. Word on the street is Mel intentionally starred in a bad studio film to prove the Jews in Hollywood are ruining America.

Soon after, John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers join the fray in From Paris With Love

Travolta plays a chemo patient who decides traditional treatment isn’t working and decides to walk to cancer’s front door and kill it once and for all. Rhys Meyers plays a straight laced cancer specialist who initially tries to stop Travolta, but then realizes gun battles are the only way to defeat such a terrible disease. Since this is based on a story by Luc Besson, the movie probably thinks it’s a lot better than it actually is.

And for those concerned this Walk-Off is a total sausage fest, comes Girl on the Train.

About a girl cursed to walk the earth surrounded by a radial blur that obliterates any person who tries to get physically or emotionally close to her.

I’m excited. I don’t think we’ve seen walking of this caliber since 1992′s Reservoir Dogs.

Movie Poster Plots

Today’s movies are so predictable, the poster gives everything away. Let me save you some time and money by doing a quick movie round-up, based solely on their posters.

Crank 2

In a change of pace, action star Jason Statham hosts a documentary about the ethical issues surrounding executions by lethal injection and the electric chair.

Spoiler Alert: Statham comes to the conclusion it’s more humane if he just drop kicks them to death.

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino takes us to the world’s most violent spelling bee in a very foggy Nazi Germany.

Spoiler Alert: Losers get their head cut off by Adolf Hitler, played by Samuel L. Jackson.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine realizes he’s trapped in prison behind bars of his own making.

Spoiler Alert: Wolverine goes on a violent yet bloodless PG-13 rampage.

Adventureland

Through an unlikely mix up, an awkward boy ends up spending the summer in a Southeast Asian sweatshop making amusement park T-shirts for 20 hours a day, where he meets a girl way out of his league who inexplicably falls in love with him.

Spoiler Alert: He learns that sweatshops don’t just make cheap shirts in awful working conditions, they also make great coming of age stories.

Possession

Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t escape a creepy man the size of her nose who casts two shadows.

Spoiler Alert: Gellar eventually escapes, but not before she almost doesn’t.

The Boat that Rocked

It’s the colorful story of a pimp, businessman, hippie, and lounge singer who are all dangerously near-sighted.

Spoiler Alert: When all four learn to get along, the circling sharks don’t eat them.

Whiteout

On Christmas Eve, albino terrorists take over the country’s biggest opaque correction fluid factory, and only a very sexy and high contrast Kate Beckinsale (bundled in a decidedly unsexy Eskimo getup) can stop them.

Spoiler Alert: She kills the albino terrorist leader by drowning him in a vat of Wite-Out. When they try to fish out his body later, they can’t find it. Is it because he blends in too well, or did he escape into the sequel? Only box office receipts know for sure.

Up

Pixar’s latest masterpiece takes us on a helium induced psychedelic buddy road trip into our collective subconscious.

Spoiler Alert: Randy Newman sings to kids about the wonders of hallucinogenic drugs.

And there you have it, 8 new movies you’ve now seen. I just saved you almost 100 dollars. Please show your appreciation by sending me almost 100 dollars.