My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death.  Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program.  This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

Update: 8/11/2009
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So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes.  As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple.  Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake.  Say goodbye to confusing forms and math.  Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers.  And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan.  It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us.  After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.

Photoshop Tutoring

Look, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s job prospects, but based off of this flyer

I would not recommend taking Photoshop classes from this guy.  First of all, Photoshop is a computer program, and that camera looks like it was made before Charles Babbage invented the difference engine.  Also, does he even know the program?  The flyer doesn’t have one single gradient or drop shadow.  At the very least, he’s not a power user or else he would have used some filters to spruce up the image.

Here are a few options, any of which is about one million, two hundred seventy six thousand, nine hundred and twenty-three times better.

Anyone walking by this bad boy will say to themselves, “Who took the time to draw out a flyer by hand with charcoal?  Wait, that’s done with Photoshop?  I need to learn from that guy.”  

The second one is a little more risky because passer-bys will think you actually carved the flyer out of stone and not even realize it’s part of your Photoshopping skills.

Everyone loves clouds, but not everyone knows you can make them in Photoshop.

Wow, whoever did this flyer, it must have taken them forever to get all those little squares in there.  I gotta learn their secrets.

Is this a flyer for Photoshop tutorials or a poster for next summer’s Jerry Bruckheimer action-movie-spectacular?  I don’t know, but either way I’m going

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m sharing these mock-ups, I should keep them for myself.  Any one of these eye catching flyers would generate me so much business I could retire in a year.

Grand Teton’s Snake River, Mordor National Park

By popular demand, I’ve made the Ansel Adams’s, Lord of the Rings photoshop into a desktop background.

Choose your size

1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Wyoming, get ready for a New Zealand like spike in tourism.

Helping “Master” Photographers

I’m not one to disregard everything that has come before me, but let’s face it, a lot of so called “master photographers” weren’t all that great.  And the reason is quite simple.  They were born before the advent of Photoshop.  Thankfully there are people, such as myself, who can help them out.

Ansel Adams

Look, Ansel, you’re a master of controlling values, but anyone can hop in an RV, tool around some national park and take the same basic photo.  If only you weren’t so confined by reality, maybe you could have shown us something truly spectacular and worth talking about.  Something like…

Boom.  I don’t care how many times you’ve been to Grand Teton National Park, you’ve never seen it like this.

Update (1/18/09) I made this a desktop wallpaper.  Choose your size.   1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Walker Evans

Walker, the photos you took in the 30’s for the Farm Security Administration really bring home the suffering caused by the Great Depression.  But at some point during your journeys, you must have thought, “Why do they all have to be so gosh darn ugly?  And their skin, my god, have they never heard of moisturizer?”  At the time, you couldn’t fix these glaring problems, but I am more capable than you…

I’m sure Allie Mae Burroughs had a delightful personality, but look how much more delightful her personality is with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell’s face.

Brassaï

Hey Brassaï, nighttime photos of Paris are nice and all, but it’s called La Ville-Lumière, not La Ville-Too-Dark-To-Tell-What-You’re-Looking-At.  Your darkroom must have had some serious light leaks, but don’t worry, I’ve fixed it for you.

It’s called a Curves adjustment layer, and you’re welcome.

Man Ray

Oh, look at me, I have a crazy name and I do crazy things like expose my prints to bright lights during development so that dark areas become light and light areas become dark.  Those sorts of shenanigans may have impressed the fine art world in the 30’s, but you’ve got to step up your game.  Have you considered…

Lens Flares!  Now we’re cooking with avant-garde.

Alfred Eisenstaedt

Jeeze, your photo editor at Life must have been sleeping on the job the day you turned this photo in.  We just declared victory over Japan and all you got was a drab black and white photo.  Where’s the razzle dazzle, Al?

Now I know I’m supposed to be happy.  Also notice my subtle use of hearts, which help to reinforce the feeling of cheer without drawing undue attention to itself.

Robert Frank

Hey Bobby, what did they teach you over there in Swiss photo school?  Don’t you know the most important part of a person is their face?  You totally covered it up by the tuba.  Otherwise it’s a pretty decent photo, so let me help you out…

All better.  And if you look closely you’ll see I made the tuba player Dizzy Gillespie.  Sure it probably wasn’t Dizzy playing the tuba (I think he played the trombone or something), but it makes for a more interesting photo to have someone famous in it.

Diane Arbus

What is going on here?  Photos of kids are supposed to be cute and adorable, Diane.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this an F.  Lucky for you, all is not lost…

There’s a smile!  I also Steven Spielberged out the grenade and replaced it with a bunny, so you can sell it to Hallmark.  Thank me with a 20 percent cut from any subsequent sales.

Tom Kelley

Who knew when you were taking nude photos of a young starlet that she would one day become the world’s greatest sex symbol?  To bad that by today’s standards, Marilyn Monroe’s proportions make her a fat cow.  But all is not lost…

Va-va-voom!  Now that’s something the kids today will go for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There are so many terrible, awful photos from history that are in dire need of my help.  But I am only one man; there is only so much I can do.  Perhaps in the future I’ll do more to help, but for now I must go sleep the sleep of the righteous and just.