Comedy Terrorism

I almost forgot my backpack on the subway. It would have been pretty bad if I left it there.

Ernie Anastos: Welcome to Fox 5 News at 10. Our top story tonight: A possible terrorist threat shuts down subways near midtown. Ti-Hua Chang has the story.

Ti-Hua Chang: Thanks Ernie. The NYPD bomb squad was called in earlier today after passengers noticed an unattended red backpack on an uptown N train. They expected to find an explosive device, but what they discovered was much worse.

Anastos: What was that?

Chang: The first draft of a Modern Family spec script.

Anastos: Horrifying.

Chang: Indeed. Is there anything more dangerous and lacking in social value than a spec script for a network television situation comedy?

Anastos: Absolutely not. And to just leave it there in a public place where innocent women and children could read it and rot their brains?

Chang: Scary stuff. And to make matters worse, the script was terrible. Three police officers were injured while reading the flawed C storyline involving Mitchell helping Jay buy a present for Gloria. Not to mention the hours of police work wasted trying to punch up the uninspired Phil one-liners.

Anastos: Have police caught the person responsible for this drivel?

Chang: Not yet. The writer’s name is Adam Sacks and he is currently missing. The FBI raided Sacks’s apartment and found a huge stockpile of comedy sketches and lists with ideas for new projects.

Anastos: So he planned to strike again?

Chang: It appears so. Here’s just a small sampling of his sick, underdeveloped ideas. “Ninja dressed in corduroy can’t be stealthy,” “Literary critic stuck in cliche dream with flat characters,” and “CSI: CSNY” which appears to be a one act musical parody of police procedurals.

Anastos: Do authorities have any idea where Sacks might be hiding?

Chang: According to his roommate and parents, Sacks has been spending a lot of time with like-minded misguided youths in training centers and theaters hidden underground or behind bars.

Anastos: You mean to say there are training camps right in our midst?

Chang: It appears so. The CIA just released this composite photo of what they think Sacks looks like now.

Chang: Anyone with a lead on his whereabouts is asked to call Homeland Security immediately.

And so close to Christmas

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan Denderson: Merry Christmas everyone, I’m Dan Denderson.

Robin Rochelle: And I’m Robin Rochelle. Our top story tonight: Tragedy strikes as a house in Edison collapses, severely injuring a mother, father and two children. A sad story, all the sadder because it happened on Christmas.

Dan: You hate to hear about something like this on Christmas, Robin.

Robin: It is especially tough this time of year, Dan.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: We begin tonight with a sad story. A local ASPCA kennel burned down, killing almost fifty adorable puppies. And to think, just two days after Christmas.

Robin: Such a shame, so close to the holidays.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Shocking news tonight. An entire little league baseball team dead, crushed to death by a meteorite, a mere 24 days after Christmas.

Dan: The timing must make it extra hard on the families.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Tonight, horror on the highway. A special needs school bus overturned on Route 84, killing everyone on board. And just 4 days, 7 weeks after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Tonight, the unthinkable as a heard of rabid cows trampled to death the majority of residents in Essex County, just 132 days after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Sad news tonight. James Spader, star of such movies and TV as Secretary and Boston Legal, died tonight of spontaneous combustion. His death, all the more tragic as today is Secretary’s Day.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Heartbreak tonight, as the local Mattapan Rose Day Parade ended early when an elderly float driver lost control of his vehicle, killing 47 bystanders. Residents can at least take some small comfort in the fact that today, June 25th, is as far from Christmas as possible.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Lots of unanswered questions tonight as 84 members of the Solomon’s Pillar cult died today in an apparent mass suicide. Authorities are still investigating how such a thing could happen with Christmas just 3 months, 1 week and 6 days away.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: This Thanksgiving, there’s not a lot for one family to be thankful for as a 16 year old boy shot and killed his entire extended family a mere 35 days before they could all meet again for Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: And finally tonight, a real life Scrooge stole all the presents donated to the Montclair Elementary School toy drive, just three days before Christmas.

Robin: How could someone do that, Dan? At this time of year?

Dan: Around Christmas. Hard to believe, Robin.

Robin: Now, of all times, Dan.

Dan: This time of year, it really is so sad.

Robin: It really is the worst time of year to ruin Christmas.