Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday.  As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world.  Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias.  Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake.  Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches.  If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

Thoughts of a 15 year old boy

I have got to say: This moustache of mine is looking pretty good. It took all summer, but it was worth it. Maybe I can’t grow a full goatee yet, but this lip rug is looking mighty sharp.

I went to get pizza the other day, and you know what the guy behind the counter said to me? He said, “What can I getcha, boss?” That’s right. Boss.

I already bought some moustache wax. By Thanksgiving break I’ll be styling this puppy up like the warrior dwarves in World of Warcraft. I can’t wait to post that picture on Facebook; my guild mates will be so jealous.  Maybe I’ll even get to lead a raiding party.

Only four days until school starts, I can’t wait. “Hey, who’s that new guy with the moustache? He looks so mysterious and cool. Oh my god, it’s Ben? Wow, I never noticed how incredibly sexy he is.” I’ll get my first kiss this year, for sure. And I bet it’ll be with Jenny, too. Sure Rob may be in a band, but I’ll probably be able to buy her beer. What’s more attractive, bad My Chemical Romance rip offs or Miller Lite whenever you want it? Check and mate, Rob!

You and me moustache. We’re going to have one great year.