Worst Times to Die

Sometimes I wonder when would be a bad time to suddenly drop dead. Arguably any time is a bad time to die unexpectedly, but certain times really show how much karmic debt you owe. Here’s my list of worst times to die.

1. When you just missed the subway.

2. While biting into a particularly bad grape.

3. On the first day of Spring.

4. When you’re too late noticing the toilet paper is out.

5. While realizing that Thundercats isn’t nearly as good a cartoon as you remembered from childhood.

6. After the parachute opens.

7. While paying a hitman to kill your nemesis.

8. After the test comes back negative.

9. During the credits of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening. Or Lady in the Water. Or The Village. Or Signs.

10. While convincing your friend you actually like the birthday present they got you.

11. When you see that someone else took the last cookie that you wanted but were too timid to take for yourself.

12. You go in for a kiss. They go in for a hug.

13. While writing a list of worst times to di…

Of course, had I really died, I wouldn’t have typed out an ellipses first. Also, I couldn’t have published this. Or type right now. It’s like I didn’t even think when writing the last example. What sloppy, lazy writing.

Last Late Night with Conan O\’Brien

Wow, things sure do change. I remember being twelve and staying up late to watch Conan O’Brien. Who’d have thought I’d watch his last Late Night on a Sunday afternoon, through the internet and in my boxers?

He’s moving to LA, so I thought I’d pitch some new characters inspired by his new home.

First up is Sally the Opera Singing Silicon Implant.

She sings so loud and high pitched that she bursts herself, sending silicon goo everywhere.

Second we have the Woman With Tourettes Doing Yoga.

No matter how much she tries to relax, she can’t stop cursing like a sailor.

Next up is the Anorexic Name-Dropper.

She’ll pose for any photo, and won’t shut up about what celebrities she saw last night at the club.

Introducing the Guilt Tripping Bowl of Granola.

This cereal will passive aggressively try to turn you vegan.

Meet Ben, the Guy Who Can’t Get Out of His Car Because His Butt Has Melted and Fused With His Car Seat.

His catch phrase: Can you give me a Dianetics stress test in my car?

Here we have Dick, the Guy Who Comes Up With Carl’s Jr. Ads.

He thinks everything would be better if it included a song popular from ten years ago and had more boobs. He could also be Dick, the Movie Studio Executive.

This is Edward the Economic Segragationist.

He works to keep Los Angeles as segregated as possible by refusing to hire minorities for any job that pays more than 15k a year.

And finally here is Cory the Happy Line of Cocaine.

Whatever it is you’re considering, Cory thinks it’s a great idea and you should totally do it.

And all of those ideas come from having spent only two weeks in LA a few years ago. And leaning heavily on stereotypes. Mostly the latter.

UPDATE

So you may have noticed I made a passing reference to Dianetics. Guess what church visited this post a mere 12 hours after it hit the internet? I’ll give you a hint.

Creepy. I wonder if the Pope will visit if I do a joke about Catholicism. Let’s find out.

Q: Why does the Pope wear a funny hat?

A: To hide incriminating information about priests abusing children.

Welcome to my blog, Your Excellency.

Perfume Tag Lines

Perfume ad campaigns are so lame. Ooh look, another celebrity with legal fees photographed in soft light staring vacantly at the camera. Who needs famous-ish women when you have a great tag line? Here are a few I thought of.

Any one of these taglines would sell as much soap scented water as Kate Winslet.

Wet Paint Anagrams

If you live in New York City, you have undoubtedly seen the Wet Paint signs in the subway, and have also seen the sign rearranged to say Aint Wet.

Whoever first thought to tear off the P and rearrange the words is a genius. So perfect in both form and function, it’s hard to believe the idea ever did not exist.

But I am not content with such utilitarian ideas. It is the superfluous and sublime that captivate me. Are there other anagrams that can open eyes and lift spirits?

In other words, can I be the love child of Will Shortz and Andy Goldsworthy?

And if so, isn’t that worth a few unexpected paint stains?

Broadway Show Reviews For Sale

If you give me two (2) free ($0) tickets to your Broadway show, you may choose one (1) of the following blurbs to include in your advertising.

• Whoever wrote [your play here] should redo the bible, because this is a religious experience.

• Despite the singing and dancing, I loved it.

• Redefines the word Wowtastalicious.

• You’ll soil yourself (in a good way).

• Almost as good as Cats.

• Quite possibly an effective cure for cancer.

• If this play had been made 70 years earlier, and in German, maybe we could have avoided the Holocaust.

• I came, I saw, they conquered my heartstrings.

• An amazing step forward in high-definition 3d technology.

• Totally worth the free tickets I was given to see this.