How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend

Here’s the first comedy video I ever made, way back in 2007.

A little background: Two years ago, my website statistics told me that someone found my blog by googling “How to get an attractive girlfriend.” Somewhat amused, I tried the search myself and was shocked to discover that I was the ONLY website that came up. Not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity, I immediately made this infomercial.

Of course, if I was to make this video today, there are a lot of things I would do differently (three words: more sound effects) but it does have a certain charm.

And in case you’re wondering, I came up as a Google result because of this “review” I wrote of the movie Knocked Up.

Average guy gets hot girl by getting her pregnant. It sorta seems like a misguided fantasy a loser would come up with for how to get an attractive girlfriend.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay. Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision. There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends. I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry? Of course. But I shouldn’t have been surprised. Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.