The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet? Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking. The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews. Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks. I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line: But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation. I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer. Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

Nighttime Chat With Bobo

Bobo: Hey, you in there?

Me: Yeah, why?

Bobo: The door’s closed and you’ve been in there for a while, so I was worried you were in danger. That’s why I stick my paws under your door, to keep you safe.

Me: I’m fine, I’m just working.

Bobo: That’s cool. Want me to come in? We could hang out for a while

Me: No. You’ll sit on my keyboard and attack the screen.

Bobo: One day I’m going to catch that arrow. I hate it prancing about the screen, clicking on whatever it wants.

Me: Right.

Bobo: How dare it not fear me, a ferocious kitten? I will catch it and bring it to your door as a present.

Me: I’m trying to work, Bobo.

Bobo: Work’s for jerks.

Me: I guess I could take a break…

Bobo: Oh hey, you’re leaving your room? Awesomeness, I bet you’re heading to the kitchen, let me show you the way.

Me: I’m not going to the kitchen.

Bobo: Of course not, but just incase you’ve forgotten where it is, let me show you.

Me: I’m going to read on the couch.

Bobo: Don’t fall asleep or I’ll suckle on you.

Me: It’s 3 AM, I don’t sleep at 3 AM.

Bobo: You’re right.

<time passes>

Bobo: Hey, you still reading?

Me: Yeah.

Bobo: Did I mention I know where the kitchen is?

Me: Once or twice…

Bobo: It’s awesome, let’s go there.

Me: Bobo, I’m reading.

Bobo: How about this. If you don’t come to the kitchen with me, I’ll start meowing a lot.

Me: Fine…

Bobo: See? Isn’t the kitchen awesome? Aren’t you glad you came with me?

Me: I don’t know. It looks the same as it always does.

Bobo: What are you talking about, the kitchen is great. Oh hey, what’s that over there? Why it’s my food bowl.

Me: Yep right where it was when I fed you a few hours ago.

Bobo: Look at it. It’s so sad, it probably wants food to keep it company.

Me: Bobo, it’s half full with the dinner you didn’t finish.

Bobo: Oh yeah, that. Right…I think the bowl wants different food.

Me: Different food?

Bobo: Yeah, something with more zest.

Me: Zest? Where’d you learn that word?

Bobo: My food bowl taught it to me.

Me: More zest, I’ll see what I can do.

Bobo: Awesome!

Me: Yep here’s the bowl on the counter where you can’t see it. I’m whipping up something extra zesty for you.

Bobo: I’m so excited by this that I just noticed something is attached to my butt, I’m going to chase it in giddy anticipation.

Me: Here’s your new zestier food.

Bobo: Awesome chow time!

Me: How is it?

Bobo: This is awesome, I love it I can’t get enough of it.

Me: Bobo it’s the same food, I just mixed it up.

Bobo: Oh my god, you’re right. I’m going to stop eating it now.

Me: But you just said it was awesome.

Bobo: Right yeah, that was the giddy anticipation. It clouded the judgement of my tastey budlits, so I thought this was zestier, but then I realized, “Hey where’s the zest? Not in this bowl, no it isn’t.”

Me: Even for a kitten, that’s shockingly nonsensical.

Bobo: Hey where you going?

Me: I’ve got more work to do

Bobo: Oh right, okay, cool. I guess I’ll see you later.

Me: I’ll see you later.

Bobo: Oh no, he disappeared. I better stick my paws under his door incase he’s in danger.