Berenstain Bears Gone Wild.

Adam — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 03:30:19 +0000

In my last post, I accepted the implied job offer of juice box art director at R.W. Knudsen Family. As it turns out, they’re very interested in hiring me, but first want to see where I’d take the brand. As a rule I don’t give out my ideas for free, but since this job would be my ticket to all-you-can-drink fruit juice for life, I made an exception.

First let’s remember what they started with.

So not only does everyone have the same poorly drawn three-eyed baleen whale head, the boxes are just plain boring. It’s time for organic fruit juices to show the world just how badass all natural, no sugar added drinks really are. And what says badass more than a bar fight?

Or 1930′s bank robberies?

Also, let’s branch out a little. Most organic foods target the same small market. But there are a lot more people out there who could really benefit from all natural fruit juices. Like heroin addicts.

Also, if prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, they must have a lot of money saved up. We should aggressively target that market.

So Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, since you must be ridiculously impressed with my pitch, don’t even bother calling me to offer the job. I’ll just show up Monday. And tell your factory to get ready because I can drink a surprising amount of all natural fruit punch.

Third Eye Bear

Adam — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:24:14 +0000

Dear R.W. Knudsen Family,

This is my letter accepting the position of art director for your juice boxes. What’s that, you didn’t realize you hired me? Well you did, it says so right here on an actual juice box of yours.

Oh my god, that bear has three eyes! If you’re going to spend the money to license the Berenstain Bears, you should also spend the money to hire an illustrator that won’t make them look like a three-eyed alien. This is generally something that an art director knows, which is why you hired me.

Also, a good art director notices when their illustrator is being lazy.

Each character has the same awful head! Now, I can understand your former art director letting one wonky face drawing slide (after all, who’s looking at the mom’s face when she’s wearing that sexy moo moo?), but to approve the same exact same awful head on 4 separate occasions? That’s your art director saying, “Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, I want Adam to take this job from me.” And I accept.

Sincerely,
Adam

P.S. Make sure my contract stipulates that I get all the free mixed berry juice I want.

Adam Thinks » juice box

Berenstain Bears Gone Wild.

Third Eye Bear