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Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up. They’re a little crooked, but they’re up. And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down. But whatever, you need to get out. Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped. Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America? Want to watch Julie & Julia? I got it on DVD. The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later. But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter. You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See? You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy. You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are. What if they try to steal something? Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants. You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication! My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it. The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America. Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why? What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago. I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not. That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse. We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What? That’s crazy. China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical. And Russia, you too? What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran. Don’t be like that. You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever. North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend! Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr! I want a sandwich. The Vatican is responsible for 9/11. A roast beef sandwich! Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other. Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something? He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not. He lives in a tent in our backyard. That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo! Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up. No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull! I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

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Adviser: Sir, we have a problem.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: What? You’re still worried about those protesters? They’ll get tired eventually. And besides, our supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei is behind me, 100 percent. Just like my margin of victory in the election.

Adviser: Sir, you’re not taking the Twitter threat seriously enough.

MA: Yeah right. Those first hand accounts on Twitter are just a lot of confusing discrete bits that are hard to find and almost impossible to put together into a meaningful cohesive narrative. And besides, our Basiji shock troops are maiming and killing them at night. This will all blow over soon enough.

Adviser: But sir, we’re losing support from our most important constituency.

MA: You mean technologically-savvy, self-obsessed people living outside Iran?!?

Adviser: Exactly.

MA: How do you know this?

Adviser: It’s on Twitter. People are tinting their profile picture green.

MA: Why would they do that? They want to look sickly?

Adviser: No! It’s to show support for the opposition candidate Mir-Houssein Mousavi.

MA: Really? Because to me it just looks like they rode the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and are about to throw up.

Adviser: Sir, this is serious. We just lost another one. Take a look at what she has to say.

MA: Wow. So this seemingly clueless girl went to the trouble to learn Photoshop just so she could tint a photo of herself green in order to protest me?

Adviser: Not quite…There’s actually this website that will do it for you with just one click.

MA: Well then, I guess there’s nothing to worry about.

Adviser: Not so fast, sir. It just got worse. Look.

MA: You mean someone hates me but loves adorable puppies all lined up in a reg wagon?

Adviser: It would appear that way sir.

MA: This does not bode well for my future.

Adviser: And if you think that’s bad, check out these other, actually real Tweets by people who oppose you.

Adviser: And there are literally tens of thousands more inane posts just like this by by people with green photos. We’re in a bad spot, sir. I don’t think you have many options.

MA: I’m afraid you’re right.

Ahmadinejad takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Adviser: Thank Allah my cell phone has a camera, this is going right on TwitPic.

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