Google: Parisian Oops

Here’s the latest from my UCB Beta team, The Brig

Google: Parisian Oops

Zack Phillips e-mailed us this idea fully formed and then within about 2 hours Nathan Russell (director) and Matt Mayer (editor) made it.  I think it came out fantastic.

Beer Pong Success

As you should remember, two weeks ago I took up Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, on his offer of a reciprocal link exchange with a website that sells beer pong tables.

I was pretty disheartened when I didn’t get linked back immediately, so I began sending Mike a bunch of e-mails.  Here’s one example.

From: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
To: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Hi Mike,

How was your Thanksgiving?  Good, I hope.  I’m e-mailing you because you still haven’t put my link on the EZ Beer Pong table, even after I’ve informed you multiple times of my link here http://adamthinks.com/beer-pong/

Is everything okay?  I’m really looking forward to this link exchange.  Please let me know as soon as the link is up.

Sincerely,

Adam

And what’s worse, Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, never responded to me.  I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been used.  Can you not trust a man who gets paid 400 dollars a month to set up link exchanges with other websites?  Are people inherently evil?  Was the social contract written on a sheet of lies?  When it thunders, is that not God bowling?

But Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, works in mysterious ways.  Just when I had lost all hope, I received the following:

From: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 4, 2009 at 8:38 PM

Dear owner of http://adamthinks.com,

I’m pleased to inform you that your link was added to our site

Rarely does a single electronic correspondence redeem one’s faith in humanity.  Let us gaze upon this miracle.

To you, this may be nothing more than a bunch of unrelated links cynically compiled to increase a website’s Google rank, but to me, it’s more like:

God bless you Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!

Beer Pong!!!

I recently received a very exciting business proposition.

From: Mike Ciaccio <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Subject: Reciprocal Link Exchange Request

I visited your links page, http://adamthinks.com/wild-animals/, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://www.ezbeerpong.com.

Just reply to this email and I’ll add a link if you promise to link back when your link is up.

Sincerely,
mike ciaccio
link manager for http://www.ezbeerpong.com

Yeah, that’s right, if I link to the EZ Beer Pong website, Mike Ciaccio promises to link back to me!  This is pretty awesome since there is no demographic I covet more than 18-22 binge drinkers.  I can’t say no to your offer, Mike Ciaccio.  Here’s your link.

Beer Pong Tables – Beer Pong Table manufacturer offering affordable portable beer pong tables.

But, you know what?  I don’t think that link really expresses my love for EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio’s fantastic marketing strategy.  So EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio (the more I say your name the higher I’ll be ranked when someone Googles you), let me help sell some of your novelty tables.  No need to thank me Mike Ciaccio, just knowing that people pay you $450.00 a month to promote their website  is thanks enough for me.

Why you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table?

First of all, when your girlfriend complains what a jerk you are, you can say, “What did you expect? I own an EZ Beer Pong table.  Sure, when I want to play beer pong I could just put a door on some sawhorses, but I am so committed to the game that I own a table which is completely useless except for when I play beer pong. You knew what you were getting yourself into, now bring me a beer.”

Also, the EZ Beer Pong table is highly portable, so moving will be a breeze when you get kicked out of your apartment.

But the main reason you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table is because you can get it in the Tribal Blue pattern.

Which will go great with your back tattoo.

Seriously, EZ Beer Pong tables are fantastic, and if it wasn’t for Mike Ciaccio, I wouldn’t know about them.  So as a thanks to Mike Ciaccio and his web marketing business (and as my attempt to become the number one Google result if you search Mike Ciaccio), I am offering my own link exchange.

If you link to this post using the following html code

<a href=”http://www.adamthinks.com/beer-pong”>Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer</a>

Which should look like this

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

let me know in the comments section and in return I will update this post to link back to you.

Now that’s an offer you can’t pass up.

People who appreciate Mike Ciaccio’s web marketing genius.

Jim’s Notes

How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend

Here’s the first comedy video I ever made, way back in 2007.

A little background: Two years ago, my website statistics told me that someone found my blog by googling “How to get an attractive girlfriend.”  Somewhat amused, I tried the search myself and was shocked to discover that I was the ONLY website that came up.  Not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity, I immediately made this infomercial.

Of course, if I was to make this video today, there are a lot of things I would do differently (three words: more sound effects) but it does have a certain charm.

And in case you’re wondering, I came up as a Google result because of this “review” I wrote of the movie Knocked Up.

Average guy gets hot girl by getting her pregnant. It sorta seems like a misguided fantasy a loser would come up with for how to get an attractive girlfriend.

More Google Searches

The weird Google searches that lead people to my website continue.  Here’s a bunch, all from the last month, in order of their Google ranking.

gorillas dancing to the electric slide – 1st!!!

botticelli paint aliens – 1st

how mcdonalds advertising give you a warm fuzzy feeling – 1st

what is a good thesis for a paper on battle star galactica – 2nd

why honor wolf blitzer – 2nd

A POOR BOY HELPING A BLIND MAN WITH ONLY A PHOTO – 2nd

statue of old man with skull and wild animal – 2nd

im writing a letter to mountain dew so what do i use for there address – 3rd

french sissies – 4th

pituitary gland dan brown – 4th

what you can smell in russia – 5th

are guys ugly? – 5th

former news anchor on fox, blonde, chubby -6th

Angela Merkel NAKED PICTURE – 6th

Here’s what Angela Merkel looks like clothed.

what’s worse than a hobbit – 8th

i’m tired of the government stealing my money – 8th

girls who date frat boys will regret it later – 9th

letter why I want to be editor in chief – 9th

“juice box” onan -9th.  Creepy considering Onan is the biblical figure who God killed because he “spilled his seed.”

alien unicorns – 10th

rearranging den for mother – 15th

is God okay with soap operas – 15th

will a gorilla rape a person? – 19th

Yes, all of these were within a 30 day period.  If this keeps up, I’ll have to make Google searches a monthly post.

Google Searches

One of the joys of having a website is seeing what Google searches bring people to your site.

Recently, people end up at AdamThinks for one of two reasons.  Either to find spoilers for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol, or to find spoilers for Kate Beckinsale’s new movie Whiteout.

It is amazing to me that anyone actually thinks Whiteout has a plot that could be spoiled.

But there are also a lot of strange search strings that bring people here, and I’ve been saving up the good ones for a few months now.  I hope you find them amusing.

Without a doubt, my favorite search of all time is can i make it look good? or am i gonna look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  Not only is that an awesome thing to search for, but I am the number one Google result!  I could not be happier, even though for the rest of my life  I will be obsessed with what “it” is that might make someone look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  And for those of you wondering what a crazy giraffe with rabies looks like, I made this.

Somewhat surprisingly, if you search I have a cut open to the skull, I am also the number one result.  I feel really bad for the person who googled that and ended up here.  I guess they never thought to google 911.

Also filed under, “Not what I was looking for” is breaking a death news to employees – letter which brings me up 9th.   And I’m first if you search death letters to professor.  I would love to know what that person was actually looking for.  Did he want tips on writing a death threat to a professor, or just for a way to write to a dead professor?  Either way, I wish my website could have been more of a help.

Painted deathskull weird boy ranks me the 5th most authoritative source on odd young men’s decorated skulls.

Search Perfume us army new line and I come up 3rd.  For the life of me, I can’t imagine what an army themed perfume would smell like (ass kicking and bubblegum?),  but I would love to see that commercial.

I’m 6th if you search ct and adam fight was adam really afraid for his life? Let me answer that right now.  Yes, I was afraid for my life.  You try fighting the entire state of Connecticut and not fear death.

Film poster psychedelic body brings me up second.  I am furious that I’m not number one.  There is no better place on the internet than right here to find bodies tripping on acid while advertising movies.

I’m also second if you search Egotistical wild animals.  Egotistical wild animals?  Awesome.  On the flip side, I rank 4th under do wild animals cry (turkeys)? which would be an awesome Prince song.  And people searching for adages about gorillas will find me listed second.

I’m number one for “Hostile Takeover” Movie porn which does not speak well for that movie’s promotional team.

Hippy desktop wallpaper ranks me 14th.  That’s sorta a bummer, man, but we’re all in this together, you know?

I come up 7th if you’re asking why do cheez-its have holes in the center.  I’m just glad there are other people who wonder about that too.

I’m the 17th result if you search how did fonzie get so cool? But that’s like asking “How is water wet?”  It just is.  And while we’re on the subject of Fonzie, seaching fonzie ayyy brings me up 4th, which I think is funny, because I wonder what someone was wanting to know about Fonzie, that they had to include “ayyy” to get the right result.

I am listed 20th if you search sissies gone wild.  That is probably not something to brag about.

Speaking of things to not brag about, if you’re looking for penis tag lines, I’m 24th.

But if you want some good tag lines for women, I’m ranked 5th, which is worth a brag.

I’m 10th under obama porn photoshop pictures.  As you can imagine, that’s a real windfall for me, because who doesn’t search for Obama porn photoshop pictures at least once a day?

Walmart m1 tank lists me 11th.  Did someone really think they could buy a tank at Walmart?

I’m second for I’m on a death trap baby true blood which is the most beautiful refrigerator magnet poetry I’ve read in quite some time.

I’m also the second result for “nazi germany” up pixar, so it’s nice to know I’ve got the Disney loving Nazis demographic on my side.

And then there are searches that freak me out enough that I didn’t follow up to find my Google ranking.

1. sexy 15 year old boy

2. sexy thoughts for 15 year old

3. got a moustache and 15 years old boy

4. NUDE KIDS

5. cook baby porn

6. twitter/baby porn

7. gay boys taking it

I don’ t know what’s worse, that people searched for those things, or that those searches lead them here.  Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed my website, because I’ll probably be shut down soon.

Sing Sing

I don’t know if you know this, but Google Maps allows you to write reviews of locations.  So I reviewed Sing Sing.

Here’s what I had to say.

Affordable Waterfront Living

Enjoy the hustle and bustle of New York City, but yearn to get closer to nature? Then head on up river to Sing Sing. Located directly on the Hudson River, our complex offer the best of urban life in a natural setting. All units are located in beautiful pre-war buildings and come fully furnished. Also, upon joining you’ll receive daily meals courtesy of our in-house culinary staff as well as free gym membership good for one hour a day. And you can say goodbye to your ugly commute when our job placement department finds you work in a variety of exciting fields all conveniently located within walking distance of your home.

Sure New York City may be the culture capital of the world, but Sing Sing is no slouch either. The arts are alive and well within our community, any member of which can teach you a variety of exciting craft projects made entirely from materials found on site.

We also have free theater events put on by the Rehabilitation Through The Arts (RTA) providing the very best theater our local actors with a history of good behavior can provide.

Also, for those of you concerned about safety, you can sleep easily knowing that we have earned the coveted “Maximum Security” rating from the State of New York for a record 185 years straight.

And best of all? It’s entirely free! No broker’s fee, no monthly rent, no maitnence fees, no utilities, no nothing at all! With leases ranging anywhere from 6 months to life, there’s no escaping this great deal.

Don’t delay. Units are going fast and the wait list is murder.

Help Out Rick Warren

Rick Warren is totally gay balls

I just discovered that my unedited Rick Warren invocation speech is #4 on Google if you search for Rick Warren invocation speech.

This is a travesty; I should be #1.  Do me a favor, go here on Google and click on my link.  It shows up in search results as Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech | Adam Thinks

You can also help by linking to my post on your blog using the term Rick Warren invocation speech.  Also feel free to use the term Rick Warren is totally gay balls.

If we all work together, we can help get Rick out of the closet.