Catholic Church Woos Anglicans

For those who don’t know, the Catholic Church recently changed their rules, making it easier for Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, but still keep many of their religious traditions.

Here is a transcript of the debate within the Catholic Church that led to this decision.

…

Pope Benedict XVI: I have solved the Catholic church’s greatest problem!

Camerlengo Tarcisio Bertone: World poverty?

Pope: No. How to get more converts to Catholicism.

Camerlengo: That’s good too. What’s your plan?

Pope: Well, a lot of Anglicans don’t like that their church allows gay clergy, so I’m thinking we woo them to become Catholic.

Camerlengo: Excellent idea, your Excellency! We shall convince them to join us, the true Church of Christ and forsake their heretical Anglican liturgy and shameful practice of allowing priests to get married.

Pope: No. I’m thinking we’ll let them keep all that, but we’ll just count them as Catholic.

Camerlengo: But isn’t it our rules and traditions that make us Catholic?

Pope: Nah. What really makes us Catholic is our disdain for the gays. Many Anglicans also dislike gay people and we need more converts, so what’s the harm in letting them join us while also ignoring our two thousand years of tradition.

Camerlengo: I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense…

Pope: And I’m not stopping there. Most Orthodox Jews also disapprove of gay people, so I’m going to start counting them as Catholics as well.

Camerlengo: But they don’t even accept Jesus Christ as the son of God!

Pope: Stop worrying about details! What really matters is that they hate gays. We also need to canonize some new saints to highlight the importance of homophobia in Catholicism.

Camerlengo: Do you have someone in mind?

Pope: Eminem. Listen to these lyrics of his, “My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge. And I’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or les. A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves. Homophobic? Hey fags, the answer’s yes.” Beautiful stuff. I wonder if we can add that to Corinthians somewhere.

Camerlengo: Your Excellency, don’t you think this is a little extreme?

Pope: We must do something to draw more sheep into our flock.

Camerlengo: If we’re looking to expand, wouldn’t it make more sense to open our doors to the gay community? Didn’t Jesus preach about love?

Pope: But gay couple can’t have babies. That’s a sin against God.

Camerlengo: Neither can an infertile couple. Should we discriminate against all infertile people?

Pope: Of course not. Infertile people aren’t gross like the gays.

Camerlengo: Ugly people are pretty gross. Should we discriminate against ugly people?

Pope: No, because ugly people can still have babies.

Camerlengo: So we should discriminate against gays and ugly, infertile people?

Pope: That might work.

Camerlengo: Have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like a Mogwai that’s eaten after midnight.

Pope: Need I remind you how infallible I am?

Baby Vs Jester

This one’s for all you fans of pre-crazy Tom Cruise

And this is for all you fans of 80′s homoeroticism

And this is for all of you who wondered if I ever storyboarded a parody of that scene for a preschool cartoon.

Yes, that girl is playing beach volleyball with a seal, monkey and polar bear. No, that doesn’t make any sense. No, the show didn’t last two weeks. No, that’s not a surprise.

Move to Iowa

Now that the California Supreme Court has upheld Prop 8\’s ban on gay marriage, it\’s time for Iowa to start wooing gays.  Here is how I would do it.

Help Out Rick Warren

Rick Warren is totally gay balls

I just discovered that my unedited Rick Warren invocation speech is #4 on Google if you search for Rick Warren invocation speech.

This is a travesty; I should be #1. Do me a favor, go here on Google and click on my link. It shows up in search results as Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech | Adam Thinks

You can also help by linking to my post on your blog using the term Rick Warren invocation speech. Also feel free to use the term Rick Warren is totally gay balls.

If we all work together, we can help get Rick out of the closet.

Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech

Let us pray. All mighty God. Our father. Everything we see and everything we can’t see exists because of you alone. Except homosexuals. It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, it all exists for your glory, except devil-spawn gays and their tempting, evil lifestyle. History is your story, hatred is mine.

The scripture tells us “Hear O’ Israel, The lord is our God, the lord is one.” And you are the compassionate and merciful one. And you are loving to everyone you have made, but I hold gays to a higher standard than you, what with their gross butt-sex and all.

Now today we rejoice not only in America’s peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time; we celebrate a hinge point (is that some gay sex act? I wonder how that abomination would work) of history, with the inauguration of our first African American President of the United States. We are so grateful to live in this land that votes against gay marriage even if they may be curious about trying it out. A land of unequaled possibility where the son of an immigrant can rise to the highest level of our leadership, but I must keep my desires to myself. And we know today day that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shouting in heaven, and Ted Haggard and squealing in a joy I can only dream of, the lucky sodomite. Give to our new president Barack Obama the wisdom to lead with humility, the courage to lead us with integrity, the compassion to lead us with generosity, and the self-control to reign in his homosexual urges that all men must control.

Bless and protect him (he is so beautiful I just want to…get a hold of yourself, Rick), his family (she’s just a beard, I know it), Vice President Biden (too much plastic surgery for my taste), the cabinet (orgy! Hillary can tape it), and every one of our freely elected leader (that one’s for you Larry Craig).

Help us oh God to remind us that we are virile sexual Americans. United not by race or religion, or blood, but to our commitment to freedom and to reigning in our desires to enjoy our bodies however feels right. And justice for all.

When we focus on ourselves, when we fight each other, when we forget you: forgive us. When we presume that our greatness and our prosperity is ours alone: forgive us. When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the earth with the respect that they deserve: forgive us. When we are too afraid to admit what we most desire: forgive us.

In these difficult days ahead, may we have a new birth of clarity in our aims, responsibilities in our actions, humility in our approaches and civility in our attitudes even when we differ (damn you Leviticus 18:22-23). Help us to share to serve and to seek the common good of all. May all people of goodwill today join together, especially well-waxed men, to work for a more just, a more healthy, and a more prosperous nation and peaceful planet. And may we never forget that one day all nations and all people will stand accountable before you, and I hope I score some points for my self-flagellating denial.

We now commit our new President, and his wife Michelle, and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, who have such fun names to say, into your loving care.

I humbly ask this in the name of the one who changed my life: Jesuah, Eesa, Jésus, Jesus, all loving gay prostitutes, who taught us to pray, “Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.” Amen, and hey men, what are you doing after this?