Adam Thinks » frat boys

Beer Pong Success

Adam — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:16:52 +0000

As you should remember, two weeks ago I took up Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, on his offer of a reciprocal link exchange with a website that sells beer pong tables.

I was pretty disheartened when I didn’t get linked back immediately, so I began sending Mike a bunch of e-mails. Here’s one example.

From: Adam Sacks
To: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer
Date: Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Hi Mike,

How was your Thanksgiving? Good, I hope. I’m e-mailing you because you still haven’t put my link on the EZ Beer Pong table, even after I’ve informed you multiple times of my link here http://adamthinks.com/beer-pong/

Is everything okay? I’m really looking forward to this link exchange. Please let me know as soon as the link is up.

Sincerely,

Adam

And what’s worse, Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, never responded to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been used. Can you not trust a man who gets paid 400 dollars a month to set up link exchanges with other websites? Are people inherently evil? Was the social contract written on a sheet of lies? When it thunders, is that not God bowling?

But Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, works in mysterious ways. Just when I had lost all hope, I received the following:

From: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer
To: Adam Sacks
Date: Mon, Dec 4, 2009 at 8:38 PM

Dear owner of http://adamthinks.com,

I’m pleased to inform you that your link was added to our site

Rarely does a single electronic correspondence redeem one’s faith in humanity. Let us gaze upon this miracle.

To you, this may be nothing more than a bunch of unrelated links cynically compiled to increase a website’s Google rank, but to me, it’s more like:

God bless you Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Beer Pong!!!

Adam — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:27:32 +0000

I recently received a very exciting business proposition.

From: Mike Ciaccio
To: Adam Sacks
Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Subject: Reciprocal Link Exchange Request

I visited your links page, http://adamthinks.com/wild-animals/, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://www.ezbeerpong.com.

Just reply to this email and I’ll add a link if you promise to link back when your link is up.

Sincerely,
mike ciaccio
link manager for http://www.ezbeerpong.com

Yeah, that’s right, if I link to the EZ Beer Pong website, Mike Ciaccio promises to link back to me! This is pretty awesome since there is no demographic I covet more than 18-22 binge drinkers. I can’t say no to your offer, Mike Ciaccio. Here’s your link.

Beer Pong Tables – Beer Pong Table manufacturer offering affordable portable beer pong tables.

But, you know what? I don’t think that link really expresses my love for EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio’s fantastic marketing strategy. So EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio (the more I say your name the higher I’ll be ranked when someone Googles you), let me help sell some of your novelty tables. No need to thank me Mike Ciaccio, just knowing that people pay you $450.00 a month to promote their website is thanks enough for me.

Why you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table?

First of all, when your girlfriend complains what a jerk you are, you can say, “What did you expect? I own an EZ Beer Pong table. Sure, when I want to play beer pong I could just put a door on some sawhorses, but I am so committed to the game that I own a table which is completely useless except for when I play beer pong. You knew what you were getting yourself into, now bring me a beer.”

Also, the EZ Beer Pong table is highly portable, so moving will be a breeze when you get kicked out of your apartment.

But the main reason you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table is because you can get it in the Tribal Blue pattern.

Which will go great with your back tattoo.

Seriously, EZ Beer Pong tables are fantastic, and if it wasn’t for Mike Ciaccio, I wouldn’t know about them. So as a thanks to Mike Ciaccio and his web marketing business (and as my attempt to become the number one Google result if you search Mike Ciaccio), I am offering my own link exchange.

If you link to this post using the following html code

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

Which should look like this

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

let me know in the comments section and in return I will update this post to link back to you.

Now that’s an offer you can’t pass up.

People who appreciate Mike Ciaccio’s web marketing genius.

Jim’s Notes

Wild Animals: A Survival Guide

Adam — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:49:58 +0000

If you spend anytime outside the safety of suburbs and their cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns and dark family secrets, it is inevitable that you will encounter a wild animal. Wild animals, as the name implies, are wild and thus dangerous and/or drunk. These encounters are fraught with deadly missteps, so here is my guide to surviving encounters with different animals.

1. Lions
If you come across a lion, it is imperative that you DO NOT RUN. Lions are unimpressed with your running because they can run much faster, which they will demonstrate right before tearing you apart with their razor sharp teeth. So instead, stand up straight and pat your head while rubbing your belly. This dazzling display of dexterity will cripple the lion with shame and jealousy, giving you time to escape uneaten.

2. Bears
If a bear finds you, it is important to make as much noise as possible while singing and dancing the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or any other popular wedding dance song from the late 80′s. Bears are notoriously proud and noble (some might say egotistical) animals, and will not lower themselves by attacking anyone acting so pathetic.

3. Gorillas
We all know the adage, “When traveling through Gorilla country, bring scotch whiskey,” but few people know why. As it turns out, Gorillas have developed quite an affinity for single malt scotch, but not the corresponding tolerance to handle it. So, if a gorilla charges, simply hold your bottle, preferably Johnnie Walker Blue Label, up high. Upon seeing your offer, the gorilla will take out the two shot glasses all gorillas carry on their person. After you both do a shot, the gorilla will lay on the ground and proceed to cry and beat its chest about the one that got away. This is your cue to make an excuse and politely leave the gorilla alone with its regrets .

4. Elephants
If an elephant attacks, simply match speeds with the lumbering beast and climb up its side (if Orlando Bloom did it in green tights and a blonde wig, then so can you). Next, crawl onto its head, and cut off a tusk using your Dremel. Take the tusk back and sell it on the black market, using your illegal profits to hire a big game hunter. Then go back to the savanna to kill the elephant and all of its relatives, because elephants never forget and hold grudges forever.

5. Wild Turkeys
Wild turkeys are actually dangerous, but thankfully incredibly stupid as well. If one tries attacking you, ask it this simple brain teaser:

Hey turkey. Let’s say you’re on a game show, and you have to choose between three closed doors. Behind one door is all the bird seed you can eat. Behind the other two doors are hungry Pilgrims. You choose door #1. Before opening the door, the game show host (who knows what is behind every door) reveals a Pilgrim behind door #2. After stopping the Pilgrim from eating you, the game show host asks if you want to stay with your choice of door #1 or switch to door #3. Should you switch doors, and why?

The turkey will probably say it doesn’t matter because it’s now 50/50 between the two remaining doors. This, of course, is wrong because the door it originally chose only had a 33% chance of being right, while the other two doors had a 67% chance. After the host removed one of the other doors out of the equation, the original door still only has a 33% chance of being right because it was chosen when all 3 doors were an option, so the remaining door has a 67% chance of being right. As the turkey tries to understand this, it will suffer a fatal massive cerebral explosion.

6. Sloths
As a general rule of thumb, sloths are pretty slow, so it’s best to just run away. THIS IS NOT TRUE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN. Americans are stereotypically famous for being stereotypically corpulent, lazy and sluggish, so there’s no way one could outrun a sloth. Americans would be wise to avoid sloth areas entirely; however if you are American and do find yourself face to face with a sloth, curl up into the fetal position, protecting your head and neck with your arms, and pray the sloth has already eaten its fill for the day.

7. Unicorns
Most people believe unicorns are gentle, loving creatures. This is because a long time ago, unicorns hired a really good PR firm. Before their “flowers and rainbows” makeover, children the word over knew unicorns to be vicious killing machines, equally adept at hunting on land, sea and air. Unicorns, in fact, are the only known natural predator of Carcharodon carcharias, commonly known as great white sharks, and in most scientific circles unicorns are credited with killing off the dinosaurs. So, if you find yourself being attacked by a unicorn, I strongly suggest you stop taking so many drugs.

8. Frat Boys
Frat boys are dangerous creatures because of their unpredictable nature–it’s impossible to tell whether they will homo-erotically grab each other, beat up a gay guy, or date rape a girl. Compounding the difficulties is their general lack of sobriety, logic or grasp of spoken language, which eliminates any attempt at reasoning with one. Your best course of action is to empty a bunch of wine coolers, refill them with rubbing alcohol and red food coloring, and challenge one to pound all six in under 2 minutes.

9. Mice
When you see a mouse, immediately jump up on the nearest table, or chair and scream in your highest pitched voice, “Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod! A mouse! Right there! It’s not there anymore, it ran away, but I saw it. I bet it’s in the walls right now. Don’t tell me to calm down, I saw a mouse. IN MY APARTMENT! No, I’m not getting traps, they’re cruel. No, the glue ones are even worse. That’s it, I can’t sleep here anymore. I can’t LIVE here anymore. I have to move.” As long as the mouse believes you are afraid, it probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

And there you have it. My fool-proof, money back guaranteed methods for surviving encounters with wild animals. If you try any of these techniques and they don’t work as advertised, you probably did something wrong.