Acronyms Can Really Obviously Negate Your Motive

Chris French enters his apartment and is startled to find his friends Albert Dutch, Beth English and David Dijibouti waiting for him.

Albert: Chris, we need to talk.

Beth: This is an intervention.

David: It’s about your store’s name.

Chris: Chris French Cleaners?  What’s wrong with that?

Albert: Don’t you see?

Chris
French
Cleaners

CFC!

Beth: That stands for chlorofluorocarbons.

David: Chloroflurocarbons created the hole in our ozone layer.

Albert: You’ve named your dry cleaning store after a dangerous pollutant!

Beth: It’s too ironic!  It will ruin your business.

Chris: Relax, it’s been that way since 1959.  I’ll be fine.

Albert: That’s what I thought about my failed condom business.

Albert’s
Infectious
Defense
System.

AIDS!

Beth: Yes, and my now-defunct infant furniture store.

Beth’s
Antique
Bassinets.
Yellowing
Merchandise
Unwaveringly
Reliable
Despite
Evident
Repairs.

BABY MURDER!

David: And my out-of-print peaceful New Age philosophy book!

David’s
Altruistic
Theology
Encompassing
Religion
And
Practical
Ethics.
Developed
Reverently
Unto
God’s
Service.

DATE RAPE DRUGS!

Chris: But you guys worked so hard creating ironic acronyms that you were clearly more interested in being clever than being successful.

Anthony: Oh, good point.

Beth: Yeah, I never even cared about babies.

David: Now I regret changing my name from Hank.

Numbalex: Depressed Yet?

Here’s the latest from my UCB video team, The Brig.

Numbalex: Depressed Yet?

I wrote it, Matt Mayer directed it and Nathan Russell shot and edited it.

This was an easy concept to pitch but a really difficult one to write (It’s hard to find facts you can state in a single sentence that are depressing, but in context make the commercial’s point of view funny and not just depressing).  I did a first draft that was all over the place in terms of tone and approach, and the rest of the team really helped me refine and organize the idea.  Also, my favorite line (about marriage) comes courtesy of Crystal Delahanty.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b

Here’s the second video from my UCB Beta team The Brig.

A quick warning, some of these visuals are NSFW, or at the very least not safe for moms.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b

I wrote, directed and animated it.  Matt Mayer did narration.  Zack Phillips was also really helpful during the rewriting process, batting around ideas and forcing me to really figure out what I was going for.  Hurray teamwork!

2010 New Year’s Eve Novelty Glasses

2010 threatens the very existence of New Year’s Eve novelty glasses.

Written, directed and edited by me.

Starring (in speaking order)
Paul Costabile
Dom Manzolillo
Lauren Adams
Kelly Hudson
Benjamin Apple
Adam Bozarth

Producer: Hilda Karadsheh

Camera: Matt Mayer

Lights: Mike Costabile

Music: Kevin MacLeod

If this seems familiar, I originally did this idea as a written piece back in January.

Flow Charts

I was thinking of becoming an infographic designer, but then realized I can never top this.

They might as well retire the industry.

Sin Destroyers – Gifts to the World

A few years ago, my friend Andy Kennedy and I directed and animated a music video for the song Gifts to the World by his band Sin Destroyers.  A lot of people think they know the story of Christmas, but only Sin Destroyers–the world’s Christianest rock band–know what really went down.

The band has since broken up, but since ’tis the season and all, here’s the video:

If Andy looks familiar, that’s because he was also in my infomercial How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend.

You might also recognize Peter, whose music video I Would Hate Yo Be You I recently directed.

And the bass player Mike, is the co-inventor of Fauxkour.

Thanksgiving Art

I’m at my parent’s house and came across these Thanksgiving drawings I did as a kid. I hope you enjoy them.

I Would Hate To Be You

I just directed a music video for the song “I Would Hate To Be You” by my very talented friend Peter Squires. You need to watch it.

The song is from Peter’s album Woe is Me which you can download for free at PeterSquiresSongs.com

And yes, that is me as the jerk in the video.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay.  Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision.  There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends.  I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry?  Of course.  But I shouldn’t have been surprised.  Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

Get desktop wallpaper version here

Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up.  They’re a little crooked, but they’re up.  And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down.  But whatever, you need to get out.  Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped.  Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America?  Want to watch Julie & Julia?  I got it on DVD.  The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later.  But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter.  You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See?  You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy.  You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are.  What if they try to steal something?  Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants.  You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication!  My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it.  The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America.  Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why?  What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago.  I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not.  That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse.  We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What?  That’s crazy.  China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical.  And Russia, you too?  What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran.  Don’t be like that.  You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever.  North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend!  Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr!  I want a sandwich.  The Vatican is responsible for 9/11.  A roast beef sandwich!  Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other.  Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something?  He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not.  He lives in a tent in our backyard.  That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo!  Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up.  No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull!  I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?