An Open Letter to Professor Death Skull Inc. Employees

Memo

From: Cyrus Steeltooth, Head of Accounting

To: All scientists, secret operatives, henchmen, grounds crew, on site employees of Professor Death Skull Inc. and families thereof.

CC: Professor Death Skull

Re: Budgetary Concerns

The recent economic downturn has effected many industries, and even those of us in the Super Villain business are not immune. Sadly, threatening world safety is not as lucrative as it once was.

Like all of you, I am fully committed to extortion; chemical, biological and nuclear attacks; kidnapping; assassinations; genocide; and mass hysteria, but tough times lead to tough decisions. No one wants to be the bad guy, so as usual it falls to us in the Accounting Department.

The mortgage on our secret island doesn’t pay itself. And do you have any idea the kind of money needed to maintain our structurally precarious underground volcano lair?

Also, think about how much it costs to recruit, train, house, feed, and dress in identical jumpsuits a near endless supply of disposable generic henchmen.

Sgt. Freedom and his Liberty Brigade killed nearly four hundred of our men last year alone. And there’s only 5 of them! It doesn’t make sense to pour so much money into hired help if we’re not even teaching them basic marksmanship.

Make no mistake, our situation is dire. At our current rate we’ll be bankrupt in three weeks. We’d actually have gone belly up in the fourth quarter of last year if Professor Death Skull hadn’t wisely stashed away the MacArthur Genius Grant he won back when he was a successful scientist hiding an obsession with the occult.

I’m sure you’re all wondering what changes are in store, so let’s get down to brass tacks.

Right now we are not laying anyone off, but we do have to cut back on our cafeteria expenses. I’m afraid the surf and turf, macrobiotic buffets, and baked Alaska are a thing of the past. We’re still committed to the pizza Fridays, but they’ll be frozen Tombstone pizzas instead of fresh pies flown in from Naples.

Also we are canceling our satellite TV subscription. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the new season of True Blood, but it’s an unnecessary expense. Also the satellite dish is always breaking and it’s a nightmare getting a repair man here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Especially after last time when we killed the poor guy thinking he was attacking our base (though, to be fair, it was partially his fault considering he was three days late in showing up; a typhoon is no excuse for tardiness).

But here’s the big cut back. We have halted plans to simultaneously blow up the Sphinx, flood Venice, topple the Eiffel tower, decapitate the Statue of Liberty and have Michael Bay film the whole thing.

I know it’s a totally awesome plan and it’d make fantastic footage to incite fear as it’s played over and over again on cable news, but at the moment we don’t have the necessary capital.

I would, however, like to propose an alternate plan. What if we carry out the same attacks, but on the scale replicas in Las Vegas? And instead of Michael Bay, we use Uwe Boll (my cousin is friends with his podiatrist).

I know it doesn’t sound as spectacular, but it’ll be one eighth the cost and still look pretty cool on the news. Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but this is the only way we can afford to continue offering our free day care service that so many of you rely on.

I’m not happy about this either, but that’s just the way it is for now. Hopefully things will pick up soon so that we’ll have the resources to really tear everything down. And if you have any questions, feel free to see me, I have an open (trap)door policy. My office is on subfloor 5, sector b, right past the lava pit and on your left. If you reach the giant laser cannon, you’ve gone too far.

An Open Letter To Neel Kashkari

Dear Neel Kashkari,

As the Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability, i.e. the man in charge of handing out 700 billion dollars in government bailout, I’m sure you get a lot of letters asking for money.

I am not one of those people.

However, like the banks you’ve been bailing out, I recently lost all my money and could use a helping hand. I know the government bailout is meant for banks and not people who foolishly misspent all their money and now want an easy handout, but my situation is practically identical to that of the banks.

You see, Neel, banks lost their money when they spent all their money buying up mortgages and betting that the borrowers would not default, just as I lost my money at an Off Track Betting establishment, when I spent all my money on Mr. Squiggle Pants betting he’d place in the money.

Now Neel, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But the banks did research, looked for indicators of success and weighed the pros and cons. They didn’t bet; they invested.” And sure, they checked with credit rating agencies who told them the loans were safe, but I did the same thing, Neel! Before I bet any money, Carl “One Thumb” Lesinski, a regular at the OTB, assured me that Mr. Squiggle Pants would win the race. On top of that, he assured me that despite his haphazard haircut and disturbing lack of teeth, he was always right. So you see, I wasn’t gambling either; I was investing.

In hindsight, had I known that Mr. Squiggle Pants was a three legged midget pony, of course I wouldn’t have put all my money on him, but I had assurances it was safe. Just like the banks had assurances it was safe to give half million dollars loans to people making minimum wage. If the banks can admit their mistake and get some free money, why not me?

So how much am I looking for? Well, I put my every last cent on Mr. Squiggle Pants, which was 10,000 dollars. Finding myself penniless, I started using my credit cards to pay for everything, but those interest rates are killer. I tried to take out a loan to pay off my credit card, but you know how scared banks are to lend money these days. Luckily I was able to talk a man by the name of Mr. Castillioni into giving me a loan–in cash no less. Unfortunately, it turns out his interest rates are in the high double digits and compound hourly. So now I find myself out quite a bit more, and that’s not even counting the hospital bills for my broken legs.

Adding up all the interest I owe, I’m looking for a government bailout of 1 million dollars. On the face of it, that is outrageous, but you are in charge of 700 billion dollars. 1 million out of 700 billion dollars is 0.000143 percent. To put that in perspective, that’s as if you had a pie and I asked to smell it.

Neel Kashkari, please let me smell your pie.

Sincerely,
Adam Sacks