2010 New Year’s Eve Novelty Glasses

2010 threatens the very existence of New Year’s Eve novelty glasses.

Written, directed and edited by me.

Starring (in speaking order)
Paul Costabile
Dom Manzolillo
Lauren Adams
Kelly Hudson
Benjamin Apple
Adam Bozarth

Producer: Hilda Karadsheh

Camera: Matt Mayer

Lights: Mike Costabile

Music: Kevin MacLeod

If this seems familiar, I originally did this idea as a written piece back in January.

Diversify Your Investment Executives: A Board Meeting

It looks like we’re all present, so I’ll now officially call this board meeting to order. I asked you here because I just learned that our economy completely broke down and we are armpit deep in debt. I realize this has been the situation for a while, but it’s not my fault everything fell apart during my bi-annual 6 month vacation to the middle of the Amazon jungle away from all lines of communication. Anyway, we’re in danger of bankruptcy here, so it’s time to come up with some ideas and…

My goodness, look at us. What a diverse and attractive group of executives we are. We’ve got everything, both black and white, young and old, and can it be, why yes, more women than men. What’s that Jim? You’re part Puerto Rican? Fantastic.

I’ve got it! All our financial woes are over. We close the company, saving on a lot of money on overhead in the process, and become stock photography models for situational business photos. Who would be better at forcing smiles in awkward corporate settings than us? We’ve been doing it for years. Sheila, don’t worry about our shareholders, I’ll deal with them. Once I explain how picture perfect we are, they’ll come around. Seriously, what company wouldn’t want our photo on their website to imply they have diversity, maturity and professionalism?

Okay Robert, that is a good point. Stock photo modeling isn’t a growth business, but it will give us a quick cash infusion. With that capital we can take it and invest it in… I’ve got it.

Another depression is coming and you know what that means. The re-emergence of vaudeville shows! We can take our diversity and shoe-horn it into broad racial humor for the unwashed masses’ amusement. I, of course, will be the master of ceremonies, and you all will be my dancing, singing stereotypes. And the best part is, by actually having African American actors, we’ll save so much money on blackface paint. Since we’ve a strict unspoken policy of not hiring black men, Katherine you’ll have to sing Old Man River. What’s that? I don’t know, can’t you get throat cancer or something in order to hit those low notes?

On top of song and dance, we’ll also need some impressive physical feats. Show of hands, who here can juggle eight pins, walk on a tight rope, ride a unicycle or do a back flip? No one? That’s too bad. How about knife throwing? Anyone? Robert, you were once arrested for threatening your wife with a knife so that’ll be your act in the show, and Beth you’ll be his assistant and balance the apple on your head. Don’t give me that face, Beth, what else can you do? I think we all remember your karaoke debacle at the last Christmas party.

Okay gang, good meeting. We had a frank and honest discussion of the situation, brainstormed freely and settled on the best course of action. I think everyone here has a clear list of actionable goals, so let’s get to work and turn this company around.

Minutes from a 2009 Board Meeting

Johnson: Thank you all for showing up. I know it wasn’t easy to make it in on such short notice, but we are in crisis mode here.

As the number one provider of novelty glasses for New Year’s Eve since 1999, we have made an ungodly fortune. Our clever design, with the zeros as eye holes, has outsold noisemakers, party hats, glow-sticks and streamers for 10 years. But while we frittered away the decade rolling naked in hundred dollar bills, a looming problem went unsolved.

Put simply, we are out of numbers that work with our glasses design. So unless anyone wants to give up their private jets, country club memberships or white slaves, we need a viable solution. Any ideas?

Rogers: Was this really worth calling me back from my winter house in Rio? 2010 still has two zeros in it. Can’t we just make that work?

Johnson: 2010 is a quick fix, but then what? Wait until 2020? Our business model can barely handle an 11 month 2 week lull in sales. How do you think we’d survive a decade?

Rogers: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Johnson: Good effort though. Let’s keep thinking, see what else we come up with.

Seilers: What if we put the numbers above the eyes?

Johnson: Above the eyes? You just described a headband, or even worse, a tiara, which would cut our target market in half.

Seilers: Why do we have to stick with glasses?

Johnson: In 1999, my father had a dream. A dream to sell novelty glasses where you could look out of the number holes. I will not let his dream die the same way he did, on January 1st 2009 from a heart attack in a cheap Vegas hotel room.

Minslow: Why don’t we write out the years in base 2? So instead of 2011, it’s 11111011011.

Johnson: I don’t think people would get that.

Minslow: What are you talking about? All my friends would understand it immediately.

Johnson: Who are you again?

Minslow: I program the website.

Johnson: Then what do you care? You’ll be able to find a job after this anyway. Common people, we’re brainstorming here. There are no bad ideas in brainstorms.

Ackerman: How about this. We sneak into everyon’s house and set their calendars back 10 years, that way we get to start all over again!

Johnson: You’re fired.

Ackerman: Fair enough…

Johnson: Anyone else? Any other ideas?

–silence–

Johnson: Ackerman, you’re hired again. We’re going with your idea.

12/21/09 Update:

I just turned this idea into a video.