FOX News: In The Bedroom

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the shrinking skirt lengths of female Fox News anchors, and the general trend towards sexualizing television news personalities.  Taking this move to it’s logical conclusion, I’d like to rate Fox News personalities in bed.  Now, I’ve never had sex with anyone on Fox News nor do I know much about them, so by their standards I am an expert.

Steve Doocy

Although he has the haircut of a 9-year-old and the sense of persecution normally reserved for blacks living in the south during Jim Crow, Steve Doocy is painfully average.   In fact, Steve Doocy is what you get if you were to average out every white male in America .  He has 2.5 children, a 95.5 IQ, and a 4.5 inch penis, which he uses twice a month to to make his wife wish she married the other guy.  Rating: Top of the Bell curve

The Blond Women Of Fox News

What eugenics lab did these women come from?  They’re the Third Reich’s wet dream.  That said, all the good looks, short skirts and conservative viewpoints in the world won’t make their emotionally distant father ever love them.  Which is good news for you in the bedroom, until they start crying.  Rating: 3 out of 4 Heil Hitlers

Neil Cavuto

Now I know chubby guys are supposed to try harder in bed, but when you combine pudginess with a conservative’s sense of entitlement, it’s like the Bush tax cuts: you’ll work twice as hard while he gets all the rewards. Rating: In a rubric of Pillsbury products, Cinnamon Buns being the best, he’s not even a Croissant.

Bill O’Reilly

Let’s face it, Bill O’Reilly is one kinky dude, and he’s willing to sexually harass an employee to prove it.  Normally his love for vibrators and Thai sex shows would work in his favor, however Bill confuses falafels with Loofa sponges

And I think that’s one yeast infection you can do without.  Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a Monistat 7.

Greta Van Susteren

If her butt kissing interview with Sarah Palin is any indication, Greta loves tossing salad.

Rating: GMILF

Sean Hannity

If you want to dress up as the Statue of Liberty and get drilled for a good 4 minutes on American Flag sheets while a choir sings “Sean Hannity is the greatest commentator God has ever given us,” then he’s your guy.  But you probably don’t want that. Rating: 13 out of 50 stars on the American flag.

Ann Coulter

Generally I don’t recommend having sex with a horse-faced skeleton, but you have to balance that with the fact that Ann Coulter will do anything to get a reaction.  And I mean ANYTHING.  Rating: A+

Glenn Beck

I think it’s pretty obvious that Glenn Beck is hiding something, so let me leave you with this image.

Rating: N/A. There’s really no in between with this.  You either love it or hate it.

Here’s one last thought.  If you’re at a bar and you have the opportunity to take a Fox News personality home with you, you should start going to more interesting bars.