Movie Pitch Meeting: Killing Mrs. Madoff

Adam — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:58:17 +0000

Gentlemen, thank you for coming. Kevin, John, please have a seat. Oh, and Mr. Spielberg we brought in a bejeweled couch for you to lounge on. Can I get you another gold leafed water bottle?

I’ll come right to the point. You all lost a ton of money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. And Bernie, along with his evil wife who refuses to return any of their ill-gotten gains, have really stoked the flames of populist anger. A lot of people want their money back, or at least to see her suffer, and I think there’s money to be made in that.

Here’s the pitch. We shoot a documentary, Steven you of course direct, that follows Mr. Bacon and Mr. Malkovich as they track down Mrs. Madoff and steal back the money she refuses to return to swindled investors. If you can get it back without her noticing, that fine. If you get to beat the awful witch to death, all the better. It’s Oceans’ Eleven meets Bowling for Columbine only without that preening self righteous fat guy–no offense George Clooney, am I right? Zing!

See? K-Bakes is into it. Look at that smile. It’s not like he has any other offers. I bet it’s pretty lonely at home with Kyra always out shooting TNT’s smash hit The Closer. Give her my best.

Oh Malkovich, don’t shake your head. This is a no-brainer! Con Air, Rounders, Of Mice and Men? Are you kidding me? You’ve been preparing for this role your entire life!

Wait, Steven! Lay back down on your couch. Hear me out. I know you’ve always wanted to do a Dogma 95 style movie, and that’s the perfect way to do this. Also, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, maybe we can write in an alien or Nazi character, or at least find some way to make the movie speak to your inner child that desperately seeks the strong male role model that you so obviously yearned for as a child.

Payments? Right. Well, we actually lost most of our money with Bernie as well, so we can’t offer you anything on the front end, but once you brutally murder Mrs. Madoff there should be more than enough to go around. Also, maybe we can work out some profit sharing back end deal. Hey, Larry King lost a bunch of money with Madoff as well, so I’ll bet we get free promotions on his show. He’s a tastemaker, right?

So, do we have a deal? Fantastic. I’ll have my assistant (who I stole this idea from in the first place) write up the contracts.

Adam Thinks » Bernie Madoff

Movie Pitch Meeting: Killing Mrs. Madoff