Soda vs Pop vs the War on Christmas

Forget Afghanistan and Iraq, the real never ending war is the War on Christmas. Check out this recent attack.

While I was offended by the jarring song and spastic dancing, the American Family Association was offended that the commercial mentioned any holiday other than Christmas. Despite all of the clearly Christmas related imagery, they felt this commercial was persecuting them.

I can relate 100 percent.

You see, I too am a victim of a war. The War on Soda.

As someone who was raised correctly, I know “soda” is the one true name. Some people may call it “pop,” but they’re wrong. The word soda comes from sodium carbonate which gives soda its distinctive fizz, while “pop” comes from someone bad at onomatopoeia trying to describe soda’s distinctive fizz.

And yet everyday I’m persecuted by the Politically Correct Police who force inclusive terms like “cola,” “soft drink” or “carbonated beverage” down my throat. They’re taking the soda out of soda, and I for one won’t stand for it.

We live in a nation founded by Soda believers. Here’s a map showing where in America soda is the predominant term. (via The Pop vs Soda Page)

And here is that map overlaid with the some of our founding fathers’ birthplaces.

The conclusion is clear. America is a nation of soda drinking white men usually named John.

This is a slippery slope, and it’s time we take a stand or pretty soon we’ll find ourselves drinking pop with our hoagies, putting jimmies on our ice cream, using gumbands to hold stuff together, while our children drink water from bubblers in the park. That’s not the America I know and love.

So this December 25th, show some Christmas cheer and drink a soda.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet? Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking. The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews. Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks. I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line: But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation. I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer. Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

Benjamin and Albert Franklin

Everyone knows Benjamin Franklin, inventor, author, statesman, diplomat and Founding Father. Few, however, know of his twin brother, Albert.

While Benjamin, even from an early age, showed a strong work ethic, Albert was satisfied to “just hang out, man,” and became widely known as a gadabout, vagabond, and ne’er-do-well. Although identical twins, Albert was easy to tell apart by his bloodshot eyes, dumb grin, and long unkempt hair (even by those day’s standards). It would take almost two centuries for historians to recognize Albert as America’s first hippie.

Unfortunately, the brothers had a falling out in 1757 when Benjamin, in an attempt to help his brother pay off debts owed to his Native American dealer, hired Albert to work the printing press for that year’s Poor Richard Almanac. It seems that right before going to print, Benjamin had to leave on business, and Albert, ever the joker, made unauthorized changes to the text.

The full extent of Albert’s handiwork will forever remain a secret, since Benjamin, upon discovering his brother’s prank, attempted to destroy each and every copy. But despite his best efforts, two pages of Albert’s version survived. They are currently held within a secret vault bellow the Smithsonian made specially to hide evidence of famous Americans’ embarrassing brothers.

And if you would like these pages as a desktop wallpaper, here you go.