Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first.  That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves.  Were there get pigs in a blanket?  How about chicken satay?  I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it.  Does he wear Old Spice?  Is he a Power Stick man?  Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews.  Forget those fluff pieces!  Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book.  That’s NEWS, baby!  New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story?  Well, how did they get past the Secret Service?  Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that?  Really?  Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner.  Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead.  We’re looking to the future, to movies.  Specifically sex tapes.  And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!  And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really?  They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape!  Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House.  That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal?  Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball.  I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What?  You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer.  Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

Mad About Who?

Much as been written about Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  Does he deserve the award?  Is it a political liability?  How should he go about accepting it?

What no one has mentioned yet, is the real precedent for this situation.  No, I’m not talking about Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, or Henry Kissinger.  I’m speaking, of course, about the Emmy Awards and the NBC sitcom Mad About You starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt.

You see, even though Paul Resier created Mad About You, he never once received an Emmy, while Helen Hunt won four times in a row for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series.  Sure Helen Hunt was more dynamic than Paul Reiser, who relied mainly on his everyman quality, but she only shined because he worked selflessly for eight years to make her look great.  Sadly, award ceremonies rarely appreciate the Paul Reisers of the world, but in all four of her acceptance speeches, Helen Hunt said he deserved half of her Emmy.

So Obama, when you go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace prize, be sure to thank the guy who worked really hard for eight years to make you look good.  And maybe bring a hacksaw or something, so you can give him his fair share of the award.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet?  Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do.  You can get paid to blog if you review products?!?  I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking.  The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews.  Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks.  I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line:  But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation.  I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer.  Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

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Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up.  They’re a little crooked, but they’re up.  And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down.  But whatever, you need to get out.  Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped.  Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America?  Want to watch Julie & Julia?  I got it on DVD.  The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later.  But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter.  You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See?  You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy.  You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are.  What if they try to steal something?  Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants.  You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication!  My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it.  The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America.  Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why?  What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago.  I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not.  That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse.  We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What?  That’s crazy.  China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical.  And Russia, you too?  What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran.  Don’t be like that.  You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever.  North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend!  Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr!  I want a sandwich.  The Vatican is responsible for 9/11.  A roast beef sandwich!  Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other.  Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something?  He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not.  He lives in a tent in our backyard.  That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo!  Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up.  No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull!  I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

Health Care Debate: Super Friends Style

This past August, deep underground in the Democratic headquarters’ strategy room.

Robin: Guys, we’re getting pounded in the news about our health care reform.  They only cover the most outlandish, outrageous arguments like government death panels.  We need to do something!

BatReid: I am doing something, my ward.  I tell everyone at our cocktail parties of like-minded friends how ridiculous the whole situation is.

Robin: No!  We need to do something big.

WonderPelosi: What do you mean, boy wonder?

Robin: Death panels have been used to scare people away from a public insurance option.  But we have death panels now.  They’re the for-profit insurance companies that will use any acne as a pre-existing condition to deny cancer treatment.  That will purposely send the elderly the wrong forms to fill out, hoping that they die before the bureaucratic problems are sorted out.  That will encourage employees to cancel policies of those with expensive illnesses.

AquaDodd: I know. That’s why we’re trying to pass health care reform.

Robin: But no one is getting the message.  To compete in the brain-dead news world, we need visceral images.  We should stack body bags in front of Assurant Health’s building for every person they killed by denying coverage.  We should have children who have lost a parent wearing shirts that say “Blue Cross decided my Daddy’s life was too expensive.”  We should find people who went bankrupt when UnitedHealth wouldn’t pay for necessary procedures and have them pan handle outside the offices.

SuperObama: I think it’s important to stay above the fray.

BatReid: Let’s just deal with this problem the same way we dealt with George W. Bush.

Robin: You mean avoid making convincing arguments and let the problem fester hoping that eventually people come to our side out of sheer desperation?

WonderPelosi: Precisely.

Meanwhile…

At the Hall of Republicans.

DickLex LuthorArmey: Let’s spread rumors that Obama will make everyone wait in breadlines for hours to get prescription drugs.

Bizarro Steele: And that Democrats are mad crazy off the hook wanna kill Medicare.

Cheetah Palin: And that Obamacare is a liberal ploy to let Muslims eat Christian babies.

My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death.  Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program.  This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

Update: 8/11/2009
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So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes.  As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple.  Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake.  Say goodbye to confusing forms and math.  Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers.  And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan.  It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us.  After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.

Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech

Let us pray.  All mighty God. Our father. Everything we see and everything we can’t see exists because of you alone.  Except homosexuals.  It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, it all exists for your glory, except devil-spawn gays and their tempting, evil lifestyle. History is your story, hatred is mine.

The scripture tells us “Hear O’ Israel, The lord is our God, the lord is one.”  And you are the compassionate and merciful one. And you are loving to everyone you have made, but I hold gays to a higher standard than you, what with their gross butt-sex and all.

Now today we rejoice not only in America’s peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time; we celebrate a hinge point (is that some gay sex act?  I wonder how that abomination would work) of history, with the inauguration of our first African American President of the United States.  We are so grateful to live in this land that votes against gay marriage even if they may be curious about trying it out.  A land of unequaled possibility where the son of an immigrant can rise to the highest level of our leadership, but I must keep my desires to myself.  And we know today day that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shouting in heaven, and Ted Haggard and squealing in a joy I can only dream of, the lucky sodomite.  Give to our new president Barack Obama the wisdom to lead with humility, the courage to lead us with integrity, the compassion to lead us with generosity, and the self-control to reign in his homosexual urges that all men must control.

Bless and protect him (he is so beautiful I just want to…get a hold of yourself, Rick),  his family (she’s just a beard, I know it), Vice President Biden (too much plastic surgery for my taste), the cabinet (orgy!  Hillary can tape it), and every one of our freely elected leader (that one’s for you Larry Craig).

Help us oh God to remind us that we are virile sexual Americans. United not by race or religion, or blood, but to our commitment to freedom and to reigning in our desires to enjoy our bodies however feels right.  And justice for all.

When we focus on ourselves, when we fight each other, when we forget you: forgive us.  When we presume that our greatness and our prosperity is ours alone: forgive us.  When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the earth with the respect that they deserve: forgive us.  When we are too afraid to admit what we most desire: forgive us.

In these difficult days ahead, may we have a new birth of clarity in our aims, responsibilities in our actions, humility in our approaches and civility in our attitudes even when we differ (damn you Leviticus 18:22-23). Help us to share to serve and to seek the common good of all.  May all people of goodwill today join together, especially well-waxed men, to work for a more just, a more healthy, and a more prosperous nation and peaceful planet. And may we never forget that one day all nations and all people will stand accountable before you, and I hope I score some points for my self-flagellating denial.

We now commit our new President, and his wife Michelle, and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, who have such fun names to say, into your loving care.

I humbly ask this in the name of the one who changed my life: Jesuah, Eesa, Jésus, Jesus, all loving gay prostitutes, who taught us to pray, “Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.  Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.” Amen, and hey men, what are you doing after this?