Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday.  As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world.  Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias.  Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake.  Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches.  If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

FOX News: In The Bedroom

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the shrinking skirt lengths of female Fox News anchors, and the general trend towards sexualizing television news personalities.  Taking this move to it’s logical conclusion, I’d like to rate Fox News personalities in bed.  Now, I’ve never had sex with anyone on Fox News nor do I know much about them, so by their standards I am an expert.

Steve Doocy

Although he has the haircut of a 9-year-old and the sense of persecution normally reserved for blacks living in the south during Jim Crow, Steve Doocy is painfully average.   In fact, Steve Doocy is what you get if you were to average out every white male in America .  He has 2.5 children, a 95.5 IQ, and a 4.5 inch penis, which he uses twice a month to to make his wife wish she married the other guy.  Rating: Top of the Bell curve

The Blond Women Of Fox News

What eugenics lab did these women come from?  They’re the Third Reich’s wet dream.  That said, all the good looks, short skirts and conservative viewpoints in the world won’t make their emotionally distant father ever love them.  Which is good news for you in the bedroom, until they start crying.  Rating: 3 out of 4 Heil Hitlers

Neil Cavuto

Now I know chubby guys are supposed to try harder in bed, but when you combine pudginess with a conservative’s sense of entitlement, it’s like the Bush tax cuts: you’ll work twice as hard while he gets all the rewards. Rating: In a rubric of Pillsbury products, Cinnamon Buns being the best, he’s not even a Croissant.

Bill O’Reilly

Let’s face it, Bill O’Reilly is one kinky dude, and he’s willing to sexually harass an employee to prove it.  Normally his love for vibrators and Thai sex shows would work in his favor, however Bill confuses falafels with Loofa sponges

And I think that’s one yeast infection you can do without.  Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a Monistat 7.

Greta Van Susteren

If her butt kissing interview with Sarah Palin is any indication, Greta loves tossing salad.

Rating: GMILF

Sean Hannity

If you want to dress up as the Statue of Liberty and get drilled for a good 4 minutes on American Flag sheets while a choir sings “Sean Hannity is the greatest commentator God has ever given us,” then he’s your guy.  But you probably don’t want that. Rating: 13 out of 50 stars on the American flag.

Ann Coulter

Generally I don’t recommend having sex with a horse-faced skeleton, but you have to balance that with the fact that Ann Coulter will do anything to get a reaction.  And I mean ANYTHING.  Rating: A+

Glenn Beck

I think it’s pretty obvious that Glenn Beck is hiding something, so let me leave you with this image.

Rating: N/A. There’s really no in between with this.  You either love it or hate it.

Here’s one last thought.  If you’re at a bar and you have the opportunity to take a Fox News personality home with you, you should start going to more interesting bars.