Wild Animals: A Survival Guide

If you spend anytime outside the safety of suburbs and their cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns and dark family secrets, it is inevitable that you will encounter a wild animal.  Wild animals, as the name implies, are wild and thus dangerous and/or drunk.   These encounters are fraught with deadly missteps, so here is my guide to surviving encounters with different animals.

1. Lions
If you come across a lion, it is imperative that you DO NOT RUN.  Lions are unimpressed with your running because they can run much faster, which they will demonstrate right before tearing you apart with their razor sharp teeth.  So instead, stand up straight and pat your head while rubbing your belly.  This dazzling display of dexterity will cripple the lion with shame and jealousy, giving you time to escape uneaten.

2. Bears
If a bear finds you, it is important to make as much noise as possible while singing and dancing the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or any other popular wedding dance song from the late 80’s.  Bears are notoriously proud and noble (some might say egotistical) animals, and will not lower themselves by attacking anyone acting so pathetic.

3. Gorillas
We all know the adage, “When traveling through Gorilla country, bring scotch whiskey,” but few people know why.  As it turns out, Gorillas have developed quite an affinity for single malt scotch, but not the corresponding tolerance to handle it.  So, if a gorilla charges, simply hold your bottle, preferably Johnnie Walker Blue Label, up high.  Upon seeing your offer, the gorilla will take out the two shot glasses all gorillas carry on their person.  After you both do a shot, the gorilla will lay on the ground and proceed to cry and beat its chest about the one that got away.  This is your cue to make an excuse and politely leave the gorilla alone with its regrets .

4. Elephants
If an elephant attacks, simply match speeds with the lumbering beast and climb up its side (if Orlando Bloom did it in green tights and a blonde wig, then so can you).  Next, crawl onto its head, and cut off a tusk using your Dremel.  Take the tusk back and sell it on the black market, using your illegal profits to hire a big game hunter.  Then go back to the savanna to kill the elephant and all of its relatives, because elephants never forget and hold grudges forever.

5. Wild Turkeys
Wild turkeys are actually dangerous, but thankfully incredibly stupid as well.  If one tries attacking you, ask it this simple brain teaser:

Hey turkey.  Let’s say you’re on a game show, and you have to choose between three closed doors.  Behind one door is all the bird seed you can eat.  Behind the other two doors are hungry Pilgrims.  You choose door #1.  Before opening the door, the game show host (who knows what is behind every door) reveals a Pilgrim behind door #2.  After stopping the Pilgrim from eating you, the game show host asks if you want to stay with your choice of door #1 or switch to door #3.  Should you switch doors, and why?

The turkey will probably say it doesn’t matter because it’s now 50/50 between the two remaining doors.   This, of course, is wrong because the door it originally chose only had a 33% chance of being right, while the other two doors had a 67% chance. After the host removed one of the other doors out of the equation, the original door still only has a 33% chance of being right because it was chosen when all 3 doors were an option, so the remaining door has a 67% chance of being right.  As the turkey tries to understand this, it will suffer a fatal massive cerebral explosion.

6. Sloths
As a general rule of thumb, sloths are pretty slow, so it’s best to just run away.  THIS IS NOT TRUE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN.  Americans are stereotypically famous for being stereotypically corpulent, lazy and sluggish, so there’s no way one could outrun a sloth.  Americans would be wise to avoid sloth areas entirely; however if you are American and do find yourself face to face with a sloth, curl up into the fetal position, protecting your head and neck with your arms, and pray the sloth has already eaten its fill for the day.

7. Unicorns
Most people believe unicorns are gentle, loving creatures.  This is because a long time ago, unicorns hired a really good PR firm.  Before their “flowers and rainbows” makeover, children the word over knew unicorns to be vicious killing machines, equally adept at hunting on land, sea and air.  Unicorns, in fact, are the only known natural predator of Carcharodon carcharias, commonly known as great white sharks, and in most scientific circles unicorns are credited with killing off the dinosaurs.  So, if you find yourself being attacked by a unicorn, I strongly suggest you stop taking so many drugs.

8. Frat Boys
Frat boys are dangerous creatures because of their unpredictable nature–it’s impossible to tell whether they will homo-erotically grab each other, beat up a gay guy, or date rape a girl.  Compounding the difficulties is their general lack of sobriety, logic or grasp of spoken language, which eliminates any attempt at reasoning with one.  Your best course of action is to empty a bunch of wine coolers, refill them with rubbing alcohol and red food coloring, and challenge one to pound all six in under 2 minutes.

9. Mice
When you see a mouse, immediately jump up on the nearest table, or chair and scream in your highest pitched voice, “Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod!  A mouse!  Right there!  It’s not there anymore, it ran away, but I saw it.  I bet it’s in the walls right now.  Don’t tell me to calm down, I saw a mouse.  IN MY APARTMENT!  No, I’m not getting traps, they’re cruel.  No, the glue ones are even worse.  That’s it, I can’t sleep here anymore.  I can’t LIVE here anymore.   I have to move.”  As long as the mouse believes you are afraid, it probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

And there you have it.  My fool-proof, money back guaranteed methods for surviving encounters with wild animals.  If you try any of these techniques and they don’t work as advertised, you probably did something wrong.