Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech

Let us pray. All mighty God. Our father. Everything we see and everything we can’t see exists because of you alone. Except homosexuals. It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, it all exists for your glory, except devil-spawn gays and their tempting, evil lifestyle. History is your story, hatred is mine.

The scripture tells us “Hear O’ Israel, The lord is our God, the lord is one.” And you are the compassionate and merciful one. And you are loving to everyone you have made, but I hold gays to a higher standard than you, what with their gross butt-sex and all.

Now today we rejoice not only in America’s peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time; we celebrate a hinge point (is that some gay sex act? I wonder how that abomination would work) of history, with the inauguration of our first African American President of the United States. We are so grateful to live in this land that votes against gay marriage even if they may be curious about trying it out. A land of unequaled possibility where the son of an immigrant can rise to the highest level of our leadership, but I must keep my desires to myself. And we know today day that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shouting in heaven, and Ted Haggard and squealing in a joy I can only dream of, the lucky sodomite. Give to our new president Barack Obama the wisdom to lead with humility, the courage to lead us with integrity, the compassion to lead us with generosity, and the self-control to reign in his homosexual urges that all men must control.

Bless and protect him (he is so beautiful I just want to…get a hold of yourself, Rick), his family (she’s just a beard, I know it), Vice President Biden (too much plastic surgery for my taste), the cabinet (orgy! Hillary can tape it), and every one of our freely elected leader (that one’s for you Larry Craig).

Help us oh God to remind us that we are virile sexual Americans. United not by race or religion, or blood, but to our commitment to freedom and to reigning in our desires to enjoy our bodies however feels right. And justice for all.

When we focus on ourselves, when we fight each other, when we forget you: forgive us. When we presume that our greatness and our prosperity is ours alone: forgive us. When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the earth with the respect that they deserve: forgive us. When we are too afraid to admit what we most desire: forgive us.

In these difficult days ahead, may we have a new birth of clarity in our aims, responsibilities in our actions, humility in our approaches and civility in our attitudes even when we differ (damn you Leviticus 18:22-23). Help us to share to serve and to seek the common good of all. May all people of goodwill today join together, especially well-waxed men, to work for a more just, a more healthy, and a more prosperous nation and peaceful planet. And may we never forget that one day all nations and all people will stand accountable before you, and I hope I score some points for my self-flagellating denial.

We now commit our new President, and his wife Michelle, and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, who have such fun names to say, into your loving care.

I humbly ask this in the name of the one who changed my life: Jesuah, Eesa, Jésus, Jesus, all loving gay prostitutes, who taught us to pray, “Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.” Amen, and hey men, what are you doing after this?