My Unsent Response

Here is a real e-mail that was sent out company wide where I work, and my reply which remained unsent because I need to keep making money. Names have been changed to protect my paycheck.

From: Someone@Where_I_work.com
To: All@Where_I_work.com

I have stumbled upon something that truly boggles my mind.

We shoot $ 100,000.00 jobs here, We have Yale, Harvard and Columbia Grads working here.

We have won <redacted>, <redacted>, friggin Cable Ace Awards for F&^ks sake and yet no one can figure out how this works so I will have to make this clear.

1) UNWRAP TOILET PAPER (sometimes known as tissue paper)

2) PLACE ROLL SIDEWAYS ( so if you held it to your eyeball you could see thru it like a pirate)

3) PLACE ROLL HORIZONTALLY ON STICK COMING HORIZONTALLY OUT OF THE WALL (Please see picture)

4) DO A HAPPY HAPPY DANCE THAT THE COLLEGE EDUCATION THAT YOUR PARENTS SPENT THEIR LIFES BLOOD SAVING FOR YOU HAS NOT GONE TO WASTE!!!!

Really????
<name redacted>

And here is my unsent response.

Yes, I concur. A travesty of the highest order!

Harold Bloom was right. When our nation’s top colleges abandoned teaching the classical western cannon in favor of false gods like New Criticism and Deconstructionism, they doomed generations of graduates to a life without a firm grasp of what’s really important, like Virgil’s Aeneid and Charmin’s Ultra.

So you see, I do have a line I won’t cross. The breadline.

My Unsent Response

Writing | Adam | September 25, 2009 4:54 pm

5 Comments

By nylorac15, September 25, 2009 @ 5:17 pm

Oh man, you should send that puppy to passiveaggressivenotes.com. Classy.
By ikke, September 27, 2009 @ 3:41 pm

emailsfromcrazypeople.com will do too.
By Jes, October 6, 2009 @ 11:15 am

I send e-mails like that about filling up the ice trays at work. I mean, who can live with themselves knowing they put empty ice trays back into the freezer? I couldn’t.
By eriC, October 11, 2009 @ 8:35 pm

lol… my former roommate doesnt understand that classy technology either… I think there is a desparity in common bathroom knowledge. lol.
By sionocom, December 15, 2010 @ 7:47 am

“I mean, who can live with themselves knowing they put empty ice trays back into the freezer? I couldn’t.”
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