A Housewife’s Press Releases
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Get Ready for More Press Releases!
Computer Room – June 5, 2009 – My son Danny just showed me how to make a press release in Microsoft Word (he’s a genius!). I feel so important and official!
My very own press release! Maybe now the neighbors will give us a little respect. Sure, we haven’t been able to afford lawn care recently, but I think the yard looks nice full dandelions. And anyway, Bill is up for a big promotion and raise, so I’m sure our lawn will be back to normal in no time.
But the real news is that our son Danny is the Hamilton Honda Little League team’s newest pitcher. He’s debuting this Saturday against Kiwanis, so come see our boy pitch before the Yankees sign him (haha!).
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
I Call Foul!
Computer Room – June 8, 2009 – Danny’s first game pitching for Hamilton Honda was not perfect, but a loss of 0 to 23 is no reason for the Hamilton Daily Record to describe Danny’s performance as “an abject failure.”
Danny showed a lot of promise, and I if it wasn’t for a few bad calls by the umpire I’m sure the game could have just as easily gone the other way.
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Our Lovely Lawn
Computer Room – June 29, 2009 – Thank you for noticing our newly manicured lawn, but sadly Bill did not receive that promotion and raise. Due to the economy, his company laid of 70 percent of its employees, Bill included. But Bill being Bill, he used his free time productively and now we have the most beautiful lawn on the block!
And it doesn’t stop there. Bill has had so much free time, that just yesterday I came home to find him rearranging all the dishes and silverware in our kitchen. What a character!
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Supportive Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
An apology
The Basement – July 13, 2009 – I’d like to apologize for Bill’s outburst during Danny’s last baseball game. Bill’s been under a lot of pressure after his recent lay off and our resulting money problems. Mrs. Walters, I assure you it was the stress talking when Bill accused your son Kyle of steroid use after he hit that fifth home run against our Danny.
In other news, I’m open to anyone hiring Bill to take care of their lawn. He really needs to get out more. Bill has gone crazy rearranging our house (the computer is now in the basement, don’t ask me why!), and after he’s done in the garage I’m afraid he’ll next set eyes on my mint condition Princess Diana memorabilia plates. I’d die if he accidentally chipped one, they’re collectors items after all.
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Concerned Wife
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
A sad day for baseball
My Mother-in-Law’s Den – July 27, 2009 – It is with a heavy heart that we must announce Danny’s resignation from the Hamilton Honda Little League team. Due to money problems, we’ve now moved in with Bill’s mother, and because she lives two towns over in Woodbridge, Coach Simpson says Danny is ineligible to continue playing for Hamilton Honda. It seems like a strange rule, but Coach Simpson is quite adamant that Danny can no longer play for his team. Thus Danny must reluctantly retire with a proud record of 0-12. I’m sure I speak for everyone on Hamilton Honda when I say he will be missed.
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
63 Orchard Ave.
Woodbridge, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Boys will be boys
My Mother-in-Law’s Attic – August 9, 2009 – Bill is back at it again; he completely rearranged his mother’s house! Now all the bedding is in the dining room hutch and the computer is in the attic (plugged into an extension cord that runs down to the bathroom). It’s awful, but whenever I encourage Bill to spend less time rearranging and more time job hunting, his mother accuses me of undermining his self confidence.
In other news, Danny is still sad about losing his spot on the baseball team, and apparently he has begun using eggs to take out this disappointment against car windows. Of course, this only came to our attention last night when the Officer Hayes escorted Danny home (and I can just tell Bill’s mother blames it all on me). Lucky for Danny, his pitching accuracy is so bad that he missed most of the cars and was let off with just a warning.
Danny doesn’t understand our current situation and always asks, “If you need money so bad why don’t you sell all your stupid Princess Diana plates?” Of course, those “stupid” plates are hand painted, mint condition collectors memorabilia. They constantly increase in value! Selling them now would be like throwing away the money they will be worth in the future. There are just some things you just can’t expect a 12-year-old to understand.
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: The Only Sane One Left
63 Orchard Ave,
Woodbridge, CT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Die Home Shopping Network, Die!
The Denny’s off I-95 South in Chester, VA- September 17, 2009 - Don’t ever believe the Home Shopping Network and their awful lies. Those Princess Diana plates I bought and held on to for 12 years aren’t even worth what I paid for them. Apparently faux-jewels do not appreciate in value no matter how often you polish them.
But it doesn’t matter, I took what money I could and got out of there. I’m free! Free from Bill and his laziness. Free from Danny and his new found delinquency and drug habit. But most of all free from Bill’s mother and her hateful eyes and silent judging.
Hitchhiking is a real hoot, and the long haul truckers are always happy to see me. I’ve never felt so appreciated in my life. I may not have much money or any idea where I’m sleeping tonight, but for the first time in a long time I’m happy. Really and truly happy.
Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: A New Woman
I-95 South
USA
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Tags: baseball, Collectors Plate, press release, Princess Diana
Open Letter, Writing, economy | Adam | 
June 5, 2009 12:22 pm
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By Sleek, August 29, 2009 @ 8:28 pm
poor bill
By Elizabeth, August 30, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
Cheryl used to be my neighbor. Pray for her. Or something.