Google Searches

One of the joys of having a website is seeing what Google searches bring people to your site.

Recently, people end up at AdamThinks for one of two reasons. Either to find spoilers for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol, or to find spoilers for Kate Beckinsale’s new movie Whiteout.

It is amazing to me that anyone actually thinks Whiteout has a plot that could be spoiled.

But there are also a lot of strange search strings that bring people here, and I’ve been saving up the good ones for a few months now. I hope you find them amusing.

Without a doubt, my favorite search of all time is can i make it look good? or am i gonna look like a crazy giraffe with rabies. Not only is that an awesome thing to search for, but I am the number one Google result! I could not be happier, even though for the rest of my life I will be obsessed with what “it” is that might make someone look like a crazy giraffe with rabies. And for those of you wondering what a crazy giraffe with rabies looks like, I made this.

Somewhat surprisingly, if you search I have a cut open to the skull, I am also the number one result. I feel really bad for the person who googled that and ended up here. I guess they never thought to google 911.

Also filed under, “Not what I was looking for” is breaking a death news to employees – letter which brings me up 9th. And I’m first if you search death letters to professor. I would love to know what that person was actually looking for. Did he want tips on writing a death threat to a professor, or just for a way to write to a dead professor? Either way, I wish my website could have been more of a help.

Painted deathskull weird boy ranks me the 5th most authoritative source on odd young men’s decorated skulls.

Search Perfume us army new line and I come up 3rd. For the life of me, I can’t imagine what an army themed perfume would smell like (ass kicking and bubblegum?), but I would love to see that commercial.

I’m 6th if you search ct and adam fight was adam really afraid for his life? Let me answer that right now. Yes, I was afraid for my life. You try fighting the entire state of Connecticut and not fear death.

Film poster psychedelic body brings me up second. I am furious that I’m not number one. There is no better place on the internet than right here to find bodies tripping on acid while advertising movies.

I’m also second if you search Egotistical wild animals. Egotistical wild animals? Awesome. On the flip side, I rank 4th under do wild animals cry (turkeys)? which would be an awesome Prince song. And people searching for adages about gorillas will find me listed second.

I’m number one for “Hostile Takeover” Movie porn which does not speak well for that movie’s promotional team.

Hippy desktop wallpaper ranks me 14th. That’s sorta a bummer, man, but we’re all in this together, you know?

I come up 7th if you’re asking why do cheez-its have holes in the center. I’m just glad there are other people who wonder about that too.

I’m the 17th result if you search how did fonzie get so cool? But that’s like asking “How is water wet?” It just is. And while we’re on the subject of Fonzie, seaching fonzie ayyy brings me up 4th, which I think is funny, because I wonder what someone was wanting to know about Fonzie, that they had to include “ayyy” to get the right result.

I am listed 20th if you search sissies gone wild. That is probably not something to brag about.

Speaking of things to not brag about, if you’re looking for penis tag lines, I’m 24th.

But if you want some good tag lines for women, I’m ranked 5th, which is worth a brag.

I’m 10th under obama porn photoshop pictures. As you can imagine, that’s a real windfall for me, because who doesn’t search for Obama porn photoshop pictures at least once a day?

Walmart m1 tank lists me 11th. Did someone really think they could buy a tank at Walmart?

I’m second for I’m on a death trap baby true blood which is the most beautiful refrigerator magnet poetry I’ve read in quite some time.

I’m also the second result for “nazi germany” up pixar, so it’s nice to know I’ve got the Disney loving Nazis demographic on my side.

And then there are searches that freak me out enough that I didn’t follow up to find my Google ranking.

1. sexy 15 year old boy

2. sexy thoughts for 15 year old

3. got a moustache and 15 years old boy

4. NUDE KIDS

5. cook baby porn

6. twitter/baby porn

7. gay boys taking it

I don’ t know what’s worse, that people searched for those things, or that those searches lead them here. Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed my website, because I’ll probably be shut down soon.

8 Comments

By Saun, September 17, 2009 @ 7:10 am

First, ‘Emmentaler is a yellow, medium-hard cheese, with characteristic large holes. It has a piquant, but not really sharp taste. Three types of bacteria are used in the production of Emmentaler: Streptococcus thermophilus, Lactobacillus, and Propionibacter shermani. In the late stage of cheese production, P. shermani consumes the lactic acid excreted by the other bacteria, and releases carbon dioxide gas, which slowly forms the bubbles that make holes.’-from Wikipedia.

And SHUT DOWN?
Hopefully, I misunderstood, you lied, or you will change your mind.
By Jonah, September 17, 2009 @ 9:26 am

I love the google search results! Such a window into a strange world. Here’s mine.
By Melinda, September 17, 2009 @ 9:29 am

My sister has a blog about international human rights. She writes about war crimes a lot, including sexual assault. Hence, she gets many hits for “Africa rape porn.” I think if you write about Thing X, people will come to you in the market for Thing X porn.

That said, “cook baby porn” is maybe the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard. I hope at least it’s porn where the baby is the chef, not the entree.
By Christina Rodriguez, September 17, 2009 @ 10:28 am

Eeesh, those searches are creepy. Now I’m oddly curious and a little terrified to see what search terms have driven folks to my website…
By Mike, September 17, 2009 @ 11:26 am

the Google searches that land people on your page are waaaay more interesting than mine. Mine are pretty plain and boring actually. I’ve gotta step up my game.
By Alan Offord, September 18, 2009 @ 9:41 am

Nice.

My fav search referal to my blog has been “universe pyjamas”, but that was a while ago…

I feel you deserve some sort of Webby award for your sterling efforts in googley odditites
By Sleek, September 19, 2009 @ 7:58 am

those last ones were really scary..there are some sick people out there