The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet?  Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

cute_kitten

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

hitler_cat

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do.  You can get paid to blog if you review products?!?  I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking.  The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews.  Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks.  I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line:  But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

grant_fifty

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation.  I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

hamilton_ten

Or,

franklin_hundred

And also…

lincoln_penny

That’s my offer.  Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

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categories Advertising, Internet, News, Pictures, Politics, Reviews, Writing | Adam | datetime October 7, 2009 1:09 am

6 Comments

  • By J., October 7, 2009 @ 7:42 am

    No one puts CuteOverload off the Internet. How the heck else am I to procrastinate and try to lure people over to my blog with really cute cat pictures? Huh, Adam? Huh? Think about THAT.

    Btw, I looked up CuteOverlord.com and I prefer your version. (Also love your kitty picture. And I have a strange to desire to feed my cats Friskies. Hmmm.)

    As for your comment: “But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.” DITTO.

    Hey, thanks for helping me to procrastinate. Am now off to check out the latest on CuteOverload.com.

  • By StewPorkPalace, October 7, 2009 @ 9:55 am

    http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

  • By J., October 7, 2009 @ 4:18 pm

    OMG, there really is a URL for everything.

  • By Christina Rodriguez, October 7, 2009 @ 11:39 pm

    Shoot, and here I am with several restaurant reviews on Yelp and NOTHING to show for it! Next time, I’m walking into a place and letting ‘em KNOW I’m going to post a review on a social networking site. Then I’ll get special treatment FOR SURE.

  • By Adam, October 8, 2009 @ 1:26 am

    http://www.HitlersThatLookLikeCats.com is available. Someone buy it.

  • By Adam, October 8, 2009 @ 1:45 am

    And of course, I had to make one…

    http://adamthinks.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/hitler_cat.jpg

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