FOX News: In The Bedroom

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the shrinking skirt lengths of female Fox News anchors, and the general trend towards sexualizing television news personalities. Taking this move to it’s logical conclusion, I’d like to rate Fox News personalities in bed. Now, I’ve never had sex with anyone on Fox News nor do I know much about them, so by their standards I am an expert.

Steve Doocy

Although he has the haircut of a 9-year-old and the sense of persecution normally reserved for blacks living in the south during Jim Crow, Steve Doocy is painfully average. In fact, Steve Doocy is what you get if you were to average out every white male in America . He has 2.5 children, a 95.5 IQ, and a 4.5 inch penis, which he uses twice a month to to make his wife wish she married the other guy. Rating: Top of the Bell curve

The Blond Women Of Fox News

What eugenics lab did these women come from? They’re the Third Reich’s wet dream. That said, all the good looks, short skirts and conservative viewpoints in the world won’t make their emotionally distant father ever love them. Which is good news for you in the bedroom, until they start crying. Rating: 3 out of 4 Heil Hitlers

Neil Cavuto

Now I know chubby guys are supposed to try harder in bed, but when you combine pudginess with a conservative’s sense of entitlement, it’s like the Bush tax cuts: you’ll work twice as hard while he gets all the rewards. Rating: In a rubric of Pillsbury products, Cinnamon Buns being the best, he’s not even a Croissant.

Bill O’Reilly

Let’s face it, Bill O’Reilly is one kinky dude, and he’s willing to sexually harass an employee to prove it. Normally his love for vibrators and Thai sex shows would work in his favor, however Bill confuses falafels with Loofa sponges

And I think that’s one yeast infection you can do without. Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a Monistat 7.

Greta Van Susteren

If her butt kissing interview with Sarah Palin is any indication, Greta loves tossing salad.

Rating: GMILF

Sean Hannity

If you want to dress up as the Statue of Liberty and get drilled for a good 4 minutes on American Flag sheets while a choir sings “Sean Hannity is the greatest commentator God has ever given us,” then he’s your guy. But you probably don’t want that. Rating: 13 out of 50 stars on the American flag.

Ann Coulter

Generally I don’t recommend having sex with a horse-faced skeleton, but you have to balance that with the fact that Ann Coulter will do anything to get a reaction. And I mean ANYTHING. Rating: A+

Glenn Beck

I think it’s pretty obvious that Glenn Beck is hiding something, so let me leave you with this image.

Rating: N/A. There’s really no in between with this. You either love it or hate it.

Here’s one last thought. If you’re at a bar and you have the opportunity to take a Fox News personality home with you, you should start going to more interesting bars.

Greta Van Susteren

A senator vetoes Glee

A Housewife’s Press Releases

And so close to Christmas

Tags: Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Cable News, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Greta Van Susteren, Lauren Green, Neil Cavuto, Sean Hannity, sex, Steve Doocy

Lists, News, Pictures, Television | Adam | April 3, 2009 2:39 am

10 Comments

By Mike Damanskis, April 3, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

How would you grade Alan Holmes? He left Fox News, but it’d be interesting to see how he would measure up. He must be into some real masochistic shit. He has to be, after getting beaten on by Sean Hannity so much.

And what about Greta Van Susteren? You left a lot of them out. I think this post needs a part 2.
By Adam, April 4, 2009 @ 5:46 pm

Good points Mike. I added Sean Hannity and Greta Van Susteren. I didn’t do Alan Colmes because I couldn’t stomach photoshoping him into 2 girls 1 cup.
By Jack M., August 17, 2009 @ 1:02 am

Adam, U R a FUKIN CKSUCKING HOMO.
By Adam, August 17, 2009 @ 1:31 am

You know, Jack, for someone who uses a fancy word like priapic in his (I assume fake) e-mail address you should a) be smart enough to type out words in their entirety, and b) not troll the internet calling other people gay. My stat counting software shows you came here searching for “Glen Beck” +Sadomasochism and that you downloaded his image twice, once at 02:00:22 AM and then again at 02:01:34 AM, so why don’t you just admit your true desires?
By Adam, August 29, 2009 @ 3:20 am

Why…maybe I’m taking cheap shots at Fox News because that’s all they do to people who disagree with them. Also I have made fun of CNN and MSNBC, go check out http://adamthinks.com/waltercronkite/

Good luck with that hard rock music.
By Jamey, February 25, 2010 @ 1:58 pm

Adam , to bad you dont actually get laid every now and then so we wouldnt have to put up with poor pitiful attempts of humor.Talking about sex this much only means one thing LOSER.The real people getting sex dont talk about it cause we dont want people knowing what kind of freaks we really are. You are just jealous.
By Adam, February 25, 2010 @ 2:02 pm

But Jamey, don’t see you? Right now, you ARE talking about it, which means only one thing: you’re a LOSER too. It’s okay, we can be losers together. It’s not so bad.
By Marti, May 13, 2010 @ 9:39 pm

And Greta Van S is a Scientologist to boot, lol.
By José M., May 31, 2010 @ 6:30 am

Hey man. I wandered into your website; you can see how on my search, if you check on your software–just for laughs. I am a red-blooded American after all.
I love that you take the time to type so sophisticatedly.
This may be (in large part) due to the reefer, but I was amused.
But it’s good that you don’t promise to amuse, I suppose. I’ll check your other posts later.