An Open Letter Regarding My Lack of Updates

Dearest readers,

I am very sorry for not updating my blog more often. I was busy and denied you a new post for almost a whole week, and for that I throw myself at your feet and beg for the mercy we both know I don’t deserve.

I can’t even imagine how disappointing it was for you to check my website hour after hour, day after day, desperately hoping for a new post, only to realize I had abandoned you. Here is an artist’s rendering of you after just one day.

Here is day three.

And day five.

All I can say is that I’m sorry. Really truly deeply sorry. I know that can’t take away the tears shed, clothes torn, hairs pulled, or the Gods forsaken, but please believe me when I say that hurting you also hurts me.

But it goes even deeper than that. It’s not just you, the reader, I hurt, but the entire Internet because if there is one thing the web needs, it’s more blog posts. There is a serious dearth of self-important, inane ramblings on the web, and for almost a week I was the problem instead of the solution. So Internet, please accept my apology.

Though now that I think about it, I also owe the world an apology. Thankfully, world somehow survived without new blog posts from me, but surviving is not the same thing as thriving. Isn’t it possible that if I posted just a few more times last week, Israel and Palestine would have established real, lasting peace; GM would have rolled out a successful line of fully electric cars, thus ending global warming; and Bono would have found a way to feed the world through self-righteous music? I very well could have blown a once in a lifetime opportunity to save the world, and for that I will be forever sorry.

There comes a time in every Internet reader’s life when they realize their blogger is not perfect, and I think for you that moment is now. I am not perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes. Other times I go to Ottawa for an animation festival. But even other times I stand here as a blogger, asking you, as a reader, to forgive me, because isn’t forgiveness (and sharing data) why scientists invented the Internet in the first place?

Sincerely,
Adam

Thoughts of a Native American

Thoughts of Mike Haggar from Final Fight

I realize this is a strange thing to notice, especially considering that I’m on a violent street rampage against Mad Gear, the evil gang that recently kidnapped my daughter, but Metro City sure had a crazy urban planner. There’s only one street, no intersections at all, and it runs the entire length of the city from left to right, from my office to the man who kidnapped my daughter, and with no possibilities of making a wrong turn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining-I’ve never been good at reading maps-but it sure is weird.

You know what else is weird? That I got elected mayor of Metro City! I’m a former professional wrestler; why entrust me with running a municipal government? You know, come to think of it, I haven’t once met someone who voted for me. The only people I ever run into in this town are Mad Gear goons trying to kill me, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t vote for me since the whole reason they kidnapped my daughter is because they don’t like my anti-crime policy.

Speaking of Mad Gear, the number of goons in their employ is astronomical. On this one block alone, I beat up nearly 40 guys (most of who must be related since they look so similar). Mad Gear’s payroll is probably double that of Metro City’s. And I can’t even imagine their total overhead once you factor in costs like the ridiculous numbers of knives and dynamite they throw at me. I understand Mad Gear wants to increase profits by eliminating an anti-crime mayor, but I bet they could do a lot better if they just laid off some people and used that capital to invest in legitimate businesses.

Wow, back when I was a professional wrestler, if you told me I’d one day be thinking about city payroll costs, I’d have called you crazy or attacked you with my signature professional wrestling move, the spinning clothesline.

But look at me now, worrying about budgets and stuff. Maybe I really am cut out for this mayor job after all. And as second careers go, you could do a whole lot worse than mayor of the most dangerous and corrupt city in the world.

Oh look, a bunch more gang members. Time to punch them to death.

Punch, punch punch, boy these guys go down easy. I’m like 100 times the man they are. Probably because before being elected mayor I was a professional wrestler, I don’t know if I mentioned that.

Also, after I get my daughter back, I’ve got to remember to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I’ve been putting it off for way too long. Things don’t look blurry, per se, it’s more like everything is…chunky, as if I see the world built out of squares or something. I wonder if it’s astigmatism.

Whatever the problem, I really hope I don’t need glasses. Glasses make anyone look weak and dorky, even a former professional wrestler like myself.

Hmm…that’s strange there don’t seem to be any more goons and–OH MY GOD! Look at this guy, he’s huge! I used to be a professional wrestler and this guy is twice my size.

Why is he a criminal? He should be a professional wrestler. I mean look at him, he’s already dressed for the job. But who am I to criticize anyone’s sartorial choices? After all, I am wearing green pants with one suspender that magically changes sides depending on which direction I face.

Thoughts of a Chicken Breast

When historians ask what is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, be sure to point them this way.

Thanks to Mike DiBenedetto for voicing the chicken.

Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic

That’s it. I have to break up with my girlfriend. She is fantastic for me personally, but for me professionally, she’s a disaster. We’ve been together 6 months and it’s been so smooth I have nothing to complain about. Bob’s got a 3 minute bit about the time his girlfriend flipped out when he brought her a Coke instead of Diet Coke. All I’ve got to talk about is how loving and supportive she is. How can you make that funny?

It’s awful, she’s the perfect woman. She likes watching sports, drinking beer and is better than me at video games. She’s busy with her own life and never complains when I’m out late with my guy friends. Oh, and when it comes to sex, she probably wants it more than me. Last night when I was tired and had a headache, she practically forced herself on me. Honestly, if the roles were reversed you could have made a good argument for date rape. But what am I supposed to do with that? Go on stage and complain about how much I’m getting laid?

Things are going so well, that I started actively trying to provoke arguments, just to give me something to work with. I stopped complimenting her appearance, but she hasn’t seemed to notice. For a while I was gushing about how hot her friends were, and now she won’t stop talking about menage-trois. And when I “accidentally” forgot Valentine’s Day, you know what she did? Talk about how it’s a stupid holiday invented by Hallmark. And then, for her birthday I got her a cake with nuts-because I know she’s allergic-but after the EMT worker reopened her airway, she told me “It’s the thought that counts.”

Seriously, this woman is giving me nothing to work with. Right now my act now is a five minute rumination on why Cheez-Its have holes in the center. She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I’m going to make it in this industry I’ve gotta break up with her and start dating some crazy chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues. That’ll get me a sitcom deal within the year, no doubt.

Thoughts of a 15 year old boy

I have got to say: This moustache of mine is looking pretty good. It took all summer, but it was worth it. Maybe I can’t grow a full goatee yet, but this lip rug is looking mighty sharp.

I went to get pizza the other day, and you know what the guy behind the counter said to me? He said, “What can I getcha, boss?” That’s right. Boss.

I already bought some moustache wax. By Thanksgiving break I’ll be styling this puppy up like the warrior dwarves in World of Warcraft. I can’t wait to post that picture on Facebook; my guild mates will be so jealous. Maybe I’ll even get to lead a raiding party.

Only four days until school starts, I can’t wait. “Hey, who’s that new guy with the moustache? He looks so mysterious and cool. Oh my god, it’s Ben? Wow, I never noticed how incredibly sexy he is.” I’ll get my first kiss this year, for sure. And I bet it’ll be with Jenny, too. Sure Rob may be in a band, but I’ll probably be able to buy her beer. What’s more attractive, bad My Chemical Romance rip offs or Miller Lite whenever you want it? Check and mate, Rob!

You and me moustache. We’re going to have one great year.