I almost forgot my backpack on the subway. It would have been pretty bad if I left it there.
Ernie Anastos: Welcome to Fox 5 News at 10. Our top story tonight: A possible terrorist threat shuts down subways near midtown. Ti-Hua Chang has the story.
Ti-Hua Chang: Thanks Ernie. The NYPD bomb squad was called in earlier today after passengers noticed an unattended red backpack on an uptown N train. They expected to find an explosive device, but what they discovered was much worse.
Anastos: What was that?
Chang: The first draft of a Modern Family spec script.
Chang: Indeed. Is there anything more dangerous and lacking in social value than a spec script for a network television situation comedy?
Anastos: Absolutely not. And to just leave it there in a public place where innocent women and children could read it and rot their brains?
Chang: Scary stuff. And to make matters worse, the script was terrible. Three police officers were injured while reading the flawed C storyline involving Mitchell helping Jay buy a present for Gloria. Not to mention the hours of police work wasted trying to punch up the uninspired Phil one-liners.
Anastos: Have police caught the person responsible for this drivel?
Chang: Not yet. The writer’s name is Adam Sacks and he is currently missing. The FBI raided Sacks’s apartment and found a huge stockpile of comedy sketches and lists with ideas for new projects.
Anastos: So he planned to strike again?
Chang: It appears so. Here’s just a small sampling of his sick, underdeveloped ideas. “Ninja dressed in corduroy can’t be stealthy,” “Literary critic stuck in cliche dream with flat characters,” and “CSI: CSNY” which appears to be a one act musical parody of police procedurals.
Anastos: Do authorities have any idea where Sacks might be hiding?
Chang: According to his roommate and parents, Sacks has been spending a lot of time with like-minded misguided youths in training centers and theaters hidden underground or behind bars.
Anastos: You mean to say there are training camps right in our midst?
Chang: It appears so. The CIA just released this composite photo of what they think Sacks looks like now.
Chang: Anyone with a lead on his whereabouts is asked to call Homeland Security immediately.