A Housewife’s Press Releases

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Get Ready for More Press Releases!

Computer Room – June 5, 2009 – My son Danny just showed me how to make a press release in Microsoft Word (he’s a genius!). I feel so important and official!

My very own press release! Maybe now the neighbors will give us a little respect. Sure, we haven’t been able to afford lawn care recently, but I think the yard looks nice full dandelions. And anyway, Bill is up for a big promotion and raise, so I’m sure our lawn will be back to normal in no time.

But the real news is that our son Danny is the Hamilton Honda Little League team’s newest pitcher. He’s debuting this Saturday against Kiwanis, so come see our boy pitch before the Yankees sign him (haha!).

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

I Call Foul!

Computer Room – June 8, 2009 – Danny’s first game pitching for Hamilton Honda was not perfect, but a loss of 0 to 23 is no reason for the Hamilton Daily Record to describe Danny’s performance as “an abject failure.”

Danny showed a lot of promise, and I if it wasn’t for a few bad calls by the umpire I’m sure the game could have just as easily gone the other way.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Our Lovely Lawn

Computer Room – June 29, 2009 – Thank you for noticing our newly manicured lawn, but sadly Bill did not receive that promotion and raise. Due to the economy, his company laid of 70 percent of its employees, Bill included. But Bill being Bill, he used his free time productively and now we have the most beautiful lawn on the block!

And it doesn’t stop there. Bill has had so much free time, that just yesterday I came home to find him rearranging all the dishes and silverware in our kitchen. What a character!

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Supportive Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

An apology

The Basement – July 13, 2009 – I’d like to apologize for Bill’s outburst during Danny’s last baseball game. Bill’s been under a lot of pressure after his recent lay off and our resulting money problems. Mrs. Walters, I assure you it was the stress talking when Bill accused your son Kyle of steroid use after he hit that fifth home run against our Danny.

In other news, I’m open to anyone hiring Bill to take care of their lawn. He really needs to get out more. Bill has gone crazy rearranging our house (the computer is now in the basement, don’t ask me why!), and after he’s done in the garage I’m afraid he’ll next set eyes on my mint condition Princess Diana memorabilia plates. I’d die if he accidentally chipped one, they’re collectors items after all.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Concerned Wife
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A sad day for baseball

My Mother-in-Law’s Den – July 27, 2009 – It is with a heavy heart that we must announce Danny’s resignation from the Hamilton Honda Little League team. Due to money problems, we’ve now moved in with Bill’s mother, and because she lives two towns over in Woodbridge, Coach Simpson says Danny is ineligible to continue playing for Hamilton Honda. It seems like a strange rule, but Coach Simpson is quite adamant that Danny can no longer play for his team. Thus Danny must reluctantly retire with a proud record of 0-12. I’m sure I speak for everyone on Hamilton Honda when I say he will be missed.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
63 Orchard Ave.
Woodbridge, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Boys will be boys

My Mother-in-Law’s Attic – August 9, 2009 – Bill is back at it again; he completely rearranged his mother’s house! Now all the bedding is in the dining room hutch and the computer is in the attic (plugged into an extension cord that runs down to the bathroom). It’s awful, but whenever I encourage Bill to spend less time rearranging and more time job hunting, his mother accuses me of undermining his self confidence.

In other news, Danny is still sad about losing his spot on the baseball team, and apparently he has begun using eggs to take out this disappointment against car windows. Of course, this only came to our attention last night when the Officer Hayes escorted Danny home (and I can just tell Bill’s mother blames it all on me). Lucky for Danny, his pitching accuracy is so bad that he missed most of the cars and was let off with just a warning.

Danny doesn’t understand our current situation and always asks, “If you need money so bad why don’t you sell all your stupid Princess Diana plates?” Of course, those “stupid” plates are hand painted, mint condition collectors memorabilia. They constantly increase in value! Selling them now would be like throwing away the money they will be worth in the future. There are just some things you just can’t expect a 12-year-old to understand.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: The Only Sane One Left
63 Orchard Ave,
Woodbridge, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Die Home Shopping Network, Die!

The Denny’s off I-95 South in Chester, VA- September 17, 2009 - Don’t ever believe the Home Shopping Network and their awful lies. Those Princess Diana plates I bought and held on to for 12 years aren’t even worth what I paid for them. Apparently faux-jewels do not appreciate in value no matter how often you polish them.

But it doesn’t matter, I took what money I could and got out of there. I’m free! Free from Bill and his laziness. Free from Danny and his new found delinquency and drug habit. But most of all free from Bill’s mother and her hateful eyes and silent judging.

Hitchhiking is a real hoot, and the long haul truckers are always happy to see me. I’ve never felt so appreciated in my life. I may not have much money or any idea where I’m sleeping tonight, but for the first time in a long time I’m happy. Really and truly happy.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: A New Woman
I-95 South
USA

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An Open Letter to Professor Death Skull Inc. Employees

Memo

From: Cyrus Steeltooth, Head of Accounting

To: All scientists, secret operatives, henchmen, grounds crew, on site employees of Professor Death Skull Inc. and families thereof.

CC: Professor Death Skull

Re: Budgetary Concerns

The recent economic downturn has effected many industries, and even those of us in the Super Villain business are not immune. Sadly, threatening world safety is not as lucrative as it once was.

Like all of you, I am fully committed to extortion; chemical, biological and nuclear attacks; kidnapping; assassinations; genocide; and mass hysteria, but tough times lead to tough decisions. No one wants to be the bad guy, so as usual it falls to us in the Accounting Department.

The mortgage on our secret island doesn’t pay itself. And do you have any idea the kind of money needed to maintain our structurally precarious underground volcano lair?

Also, think about how much it costs to recruit, train, house, feed, and dress in identical jumpsuits a near endless supply of disposable generic henchmen.

Sgt. Freedom and his Liberty Brigade killed nearly four hundred of our men last year alone. And there’s only 5 of them! It doesn’t make sense to pour so much money into hired help if we’re not even teaching them basic marksmanship.

Make no mistake, our situation is dire. At our current rate we’ll be bankrupt in three weeks. We’d actually have gone belly up in the fourth quarter of last year if Professor Death Skull hadn’t wisely stashed away the MacArthur Genius Grant he won back when he was a successful scientist hiding an obsession with the occult.

I’m sure you’re all wondering what changes are in store, so let’s get down to brass tacks.

Right now we are not laying anyone off, but we do have to cut back on our cafeteria expenses. I’m afraid the surf and turf, macrobiotic buffets, and baked Alaska are a thing of the past. We’re still committed to the pizza Fridays, but they’ll be frozen Tombstone pizzas instead of fresh pies flown in from Naples.

Also we are canceling our satellite TV subscription. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the new season of True Blood, but it’s an unnecessary expense. Also the satellite dish is always breaking and it’s a nightmare getting a repair man here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Especially after last time when we killed the poor guy thinking he was attacking our base (though, to be fair, it was partially his fault considering he was three days late in showing up; a typhoon is no excuse for tardiness).

But here’s the big cut back. We have halted plans to simultaneously blow up the Sphinx, flood Venice, topple the Eiffel tower, decapitate the Statue of Liberty and have Michael Bay film the whole thing.

I know it’s a totally awesome plan and it’d make fantastic footage to incite fear as it’s played over and over again on cable news, but at the moment we don’t have the necessary capital.

I would, however, like to propose an alternate plan. What if we carry out the same attacks, but on the scale replicas in Las Vegas? And instead of Michael Bay, we use Uwe Boll (my cousin is friends with his podiatrist).

I know it doesn’t sound as spectacular, but it’ll be one eighth the cost and still look pretty cool on the news. Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but this is the only way we can afford to continue offering our free day care service that so many of you rely on.

I’m not happy about this either, but that’s just the way it is for now. Hopefully things will pick up soon so that we’ll have the resources to really tear everything down. And if you have any questions, feel free to see me, I have an open (trap)door policy. My office is on subfloor 5, sector b, right past the lava pit and on your left. If you reach the giant laser cannon, you’ve gone too far.

My Letter As Editor-In-Chief

There are so many magazines in the world that it’s inevitable I will become editor-in-chief of one at some point in my life. To prepare for this eventuality, I have already written my first Letter from the Editor.

Letter from the Editor

Hello, my name is Adam Sacks, and I am the new editor-in-chief of this magazine. If you’re concerned about my qualifications, just check out the serious face I’m making in my black and white portrait; I obviously mean business. But I also have messy hair and stubble so you know the magazine will still be fun to read. As for the direction I will take this publication, rest assured I have the utmost respect for its past and will strive to stay true to those roots while also changing everything in an unsuccessful attempt to make it profitable on the web.

But have no fear, I promise to put far too much importance in whatever trivial subject this magazine covers. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that every single problem in our world would be solved if only people cared more about what we talk about every month in these very pages.

Moving right along, let me off offhandedly mention some obscure details only experts in this field know about, so that you’re intimidated by my knowledge. Also, I’ll casually mention all the important industry people I’m close friends with and the lavish parties I attend on a regular basis. And now I’m making a halfhearted attempt at self-deprecation so that your jealousy of my life won’t turn into a murderous rage and drive you to end my better-than-yours life.

But enough about me, let’s talk industry news. You know that new product that everyone is talking about and won’t be released for another 6 months (not that it matters since you couldn’t afford it anyway)? Well, yesterday I got a whole truckload of them to try out. I’ve been using one for the past week and it is so much better than anything you could ever dream of, I want to cry for you poor people who won’t get to use it for another half year. Of course, I don’t know what to do with the other hundred or so they sent me. You can’t imagine how embarrassing this is. Seriously, I have so many of them, that as I’m writing this now, I’m using all the extras as a chair to sit on. Hey, here’s a fun giveaway idea. Write an essay, no more than 200 words, about why my life is so much better than yours and I’ll have my unpaid intern pick the most groveling, pathetic ones to give this wonderful product to.

I’d love to stay and write more, but I have a really exclusive, top secret, fancy event to attend. So in closing, I just want to reiterate how honored I am to be the new editor-in-chief, and how much I can’t wait to rub my awesome life in your face every month.

Stay hungry out there.

Adam Sacks

Third Eye Bear

Dear R.W. Knudsen Family,

This is my letter accepting the position of art director for your juice boxes. What’s that, you didn’t realize you hired me? Well you did, it says so right here on an actual juice box of yours.

Oh my god, that bear has three eyes! If you’re going to spend the money to license the Berenstain Bears, you should also spend the money to hire an illustrator that won’t make them look like a three-eyed alien. This is generally something that an art director knows, which is why you hired me.

Also, a good art director notices when their illustrator is being lazy.

Each character has the same awful head! Now, I can understand your former art director letting one wonky face drawing slide (after all, who’s looking at the mom’s face when she’s wearing that sexy moo moo?), but to approve the same exact same awful head on 4 separate occasions? That’s your art director saying, “Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, I want Adam to take this job from me.” And I accept.

Sincerely,
Adam

P.S. Make sure my contract stipulates that I get all the free mixed berry juice I want.

An Open Letter To Neel Kashkari

Dear Neel Kashkari,

As the Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability, i.e. the man in charge of handing out 700 billion dollars in government bailout, I’m sure you get a lot of letters asking for money.

I am not one of those people.

However, like the banks you’ve been bailing out, I recently lost all my money and could use a helping hand. I know the government bailout is meant for banks and not people who foolishly misspent all their money and now want an easy handout, but my situation is practically identical to that of the banks.

You see, Neel, banks lost their money when they spent all their money buying up mortgages and betting that the borrowers would not default, just as I lost my money at an Off Track Betting establishment, when I spent all my money on Mr. Squiggle Pants betting he’d place in the money.

Now Neel, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But the banks did research, looked for indicators of success and weighed the pros and cons. They didn’t bet; they invested.” And sure, they checked with credit rating agencies who told them the loans were safe, but I did the same thing, Neel! Before I bet any money, Carl “One Thumb” Lesinski, a regular at the OTB, assured me that Mr. Squiggle Pants would win the race. On top of that, he assured me that despite his haphazard haircut and disturbing lack of teeth, he was always right. So you see, I wasn’t gambling either; I was investing.

In hindsight, had I known that Mr. Squiggle Pants was a three legged midget pony, of course I wouldn’t have put all my money on him, but I had assurances it was safe. Just like the banks had assurances it was safe to give half million dollars loans to people making minimum wage. If the banks can admit their mistake and get some free money, why not me?

So how much am I looking for? Well, I put my every last cent on Mr. Squiggle Pants, which was 10,000 dollars. Finding myself penniless, I started using my credit cards to pay for everything, but those interest rates are killer. I tried to take out a loan to pay off my credit card, but you know how scared banks are to lend money these days. Luckily I was able to talk a man by the name of Mr. Castillioni into giving me a loan–in cash no less. Unfortunately, it turns out his interest rates are in the high double digits and compound hourly. So now I find myself out quite a bit more, and that’s not even counting the hospital bills for my broken legs.

Adding up all the interest I owe, I’m looking for a government bailout of 1 million dollars. On the face of it, that is outrageous, but you are in charge of 700 billion dollars. 1 million out of 700 billion dollars is 0.000143 percent. To put that in perspective, that’s as if you had a pie and I asked to smell it.

Neel Kashkari, please let me smell your pie.

Sincerely,
Adam Sacks