Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent. I could not agree more. No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

Mad About Who?

Much as been written about Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Does he deserve the award? Is it a political liability? How should he go about accepting it?

What no one has mentioned yet, is the real precedent for this situation. No, I’m not talking about Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, or Henry Kissinger. I’m speaking, of course, about the Emmy Awards and the NBC sitcom Mad About You starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt.

You see, even though Paul Resier created Mad About You, he never once received an Emmy, while Helen Hunt won four times in a row for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Sure Helen Hunt was more dynamic than Paul Reiser, who relied mainly on his everyman quality, but she only shined because he worked selflessly for eight years to make her look great. Sadly, award ceremonies rarely appreciate the Paul Reisers of the world, but in all four of her acceptance speeches, Helen Hunt said he deserved half of her Emmy.

So Obama, when you go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace prize, be sure to thank the guy who worked really hard for eight years to make you look good. And maybe bring a hacksaw or something, so you can give him his fair share of the award.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet? Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking. The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews. Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks. I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line: But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation. I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer. Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

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Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up. They’re a little crooked, but they’re up. And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down. But whatever, you need to get out. Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped. Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America? Want to watch Julie & Julia? I got it on DVD. The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later. But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter. You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See? You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy. You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are. What if they try to steal something? Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants. You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication! My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it. The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America. Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why? What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago. I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not. That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse. We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What? That’s crazy. China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical. And Russia, you too? What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran. Don’t be like that. You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever. North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend! Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr! I want a sandwich. The Vatican is responsible for 9/11. A roast beef sandwich! Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other. Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something? He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not. He lives in a tent in our backyard. That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo! Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up. No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull! I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

Health Care Debate: Super Friends Style

This past August, deep underground in the Democratic headquarters’ strategy room.

Robin: Guys, we’re getting pounded in the news about our health care reform. They only cover the most outlandish, outrageous arguments like government death panels. We need to do something!

BatReid: I am doing something, my ward. I tell everyone at our cocktail parties of like-minded friends how ridiculous the whole situation is.

Robin: No! We need to do something big.

WonderPelosi: What do you mean, boy wonder?

Robin: Death panels have been used to scare people away from a public insurance option. But we have death panels now. They’re the for-profit insurance companies that will use any acne as a pre-existing condition to deny cancer treatment. That will purposely send the elderly the wrong forms to fill out, hoping that they die before the bureaucratic problems are sorted out. That will encourage employees to cancel policies of those with expensive illnesses.

AquaDodd: I know. That’s why we’re trying to pass health care reform.

Robin: But no one is getting the message. To compete in the brain-dead news world, we need visceral images. We should stack body bags in front of Assurant Health’s building for every person they killed by denying coverage. We should have children who have lost a parent wearing shirts that say “Blue Cross decided my Daddy’s life was too expensive.” We should find people who went bankrupt when UnitedHealth wouldn’t pay for necessary procedures and have them pan handle outside the offices.

SuperObama: I think it’s important to stay above the fray.

BatReid: Let’s just deal with this problem the same way we dealt with George W. Bush.

Robin: You mean avoid making convincing arguments and let the problem fester hoping that eventually people come to our side out of sheer desperation?

WonderPelosi: Precisely.

Meanwhile…

At the Hall of Republicans.

DickLex LuthorArmey: Let’s spread rumors that Obama will make everyone wait in breadlines for hours to get prescription drugs.

Bizarro Steele: And that Democrats are mad crazy off the hook wanna kill Medicare.

Cheetah Palin: And that Obamacare is a liberal ploy to let Muslims eat Christian babies.

OJ Simpson’s Redemption

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Hey OJ, how’s it going?

OJ Simpson: I’m in jail. How do you think?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Oh right. Sorry about dying before you stopped being an idiot.

OJ Simpson: What do you want? I don’t have any money.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: No man, this is a personal visit. I was talking with Ted Kennedy in the afterlife and it hit me like an 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 driving off a bridge in Chappaquiddick. This guy also killed a white woman, but everyone forgave him because of his years of public service.

OJ Simpson: So you think people will forgive me if I become a Senator?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Exactly!

OJ Simpson: That’s crazy. What do I know about politics?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Orenthal James Simpson, if you can win the Heisman Trophy, rush for 11,236 yards in the NFL, and hold your own on screen with Liam Neeson.

OJ Simpson: Leslie Nielsen.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Whatever. The point is, I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you could also become a lion of the senate. And once you get that type of prestige, people will find it unseemly to mention your murderous past.

OJ Simpson: I’ll be in prison for the next 9 years. When I get out do you really think I have a chance of winning a statewide election?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: In California? Of course! They’ll vote for anyone whose name they recognize, and I already know twelve of your peers whose vote you’ve got. You’re practically a shoe-in for 2022.

OJ Simpson: I guess it’s worth a shot.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Or a stab!

The two laugh heartily.

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday. As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world. Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias. Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake. Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches. If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

The Hagar Five

Marlon Jackson: Jackson residence.

Sammy Hagar: YEEEOOW! Hey there this is the Red Rocker himself, Sammy Hagar. Is this Jermaine Jackson?

Marlon: No, it’s Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon Waynes?

Marlon: Marlon Jackson

Sammy: Oh, sorry man. Were you in the Jackson Five?

Marlon: Yes I was.

Sammy: Then I would just like to express my deepest condolences for your brother’s loss.

Marlon: I didn’t know you were a fan.

Sammy: Oh yeah man, big fan. I was so crushed by the news that I almost didn’t do my daily five shots of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequilla.

Marlon: I’ll be sure to pass on your kind words. Thank you, Sammy.

Sammy: You’re welcome, Tito.

Marlon: I’m Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon, right. My mistake. Anyway, while I got you on the line have you considered reuniting the remaining members of the Jackson 5?

Marlon: That was a long time ago

Sammy: And so was Michael Jackson’s cultural relevancy, but now that he’s dead everyone’s too busy making him number one on iTunes to care what a sad joke he became.

Marlon: That’s my brother you’re talking about.

Sammy: No, what I’m talking about is the unique situation we are in to make some serious cashola.

Marlon: We?

Sammy: Totally man. You guys are gonna need a new lead singer, and I’ll make everyone forget about Jacko faster than you can say Diamond Dave. We’ll make so much money you’d be able to open like 20 new Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I don’t think you’d really mesh well with us.

Sammy: I just Photoshopped a poster that disagrees.

Marlon: Can you moonwalk?

Sammy: I can’t drive 55.

Marlon: What’s your favorite Jackson 5 song?

Sammy: Off the top of my head, I’d have to say the one about the alphabet. I thought you were particularly good in that one, Jackie.

Marlon: Marlon! I’m Marlon Jackson, and I’m hanging up.

Sammy: Wait, La Toya, hear me out on this.

Marlon: Marlon!

Sammy: Marlon, right. Anyway, come on man! This is a golden opprotunity for you and your bros to go on tour, meet some smokin’ hot ladies and make enough moolah to save your struggling Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I’ve been married for 33 years, have three children and one grandchild, and am a successful real estate agent. I don’t need your help with anything.

Sammy: Wait. Really?!?

Marlon: Really.

Sammy: Oh, well then do you think you could help me refinance the mortgages on my Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs? I’m in a tough spot here.

Marlon: Goodbye.

Click.

Ahmadinejad and Twitter

Inside Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s office

Adviser: Sir, we have a problem.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: What? You’re still worried about those protesters? They’ll get tired eventually. And besides, our supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei is behind me, 100 percent. Just like my margin of victory in the election.

Adviser: Sir, you’re not taking the Twitter threat seriously enough.

MA: Yeah right. Those first hand accounts on Twitter are just a lot of confusing discrete bits that are hard to find and almost impossible to put together into a meaningful cohesive narrative. And besides, our Basiji shock troops are maiming and killing them at night. This will all blow over soon enough.

Adviser: But sir, we’re losing support from our most important constituency.

MA: You mean technologically-savvy, self-obsessed people living outside Iran?!?

Adviser: Exactly.

MA: How do you know this?

Adviser: It’s on Twitter. People are tinting their profile picture green.

MA: Why would they do that? They want to look sickly?

Adviser: No! It’s to show support for the opposition candidate Mir-Houssein Mousavi.

MA: Really? Because to me it just looks like they rode the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and are about to throw up.

Adviser: Sir, this is serious. We just lost another one. Take a look at what she has to say.

MA: Wow. So this seemingly clueless girl went to the trouble to learn Photoshop just so she could tint a photo of herself green in order to protest me?

Adviser: Not quite…There’s actually this website that will do it for you with just one click.

MA: Well then, I guess there’s nothing to worry about.

Adviser: Not so fast, sir. It just got worse. Look.

MA: You mean someone hates me but loves adorable puppies all lined up in a reg wagon?

Adviser: It would appear that way sir.

MA: This does not bode well for my future.

Adviser: And if you think that’s bad, check out these other, actually real Tweets by people who oppose you.

Adviser: And there are literally tens of thousands more inane posts just like this by by people with green photos. We’re in a bad spot, sir. I don’t think you have many options.

MA: I’m afraid you’re right.

Ahmadinejad takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Adviser: Thank Allah my cell phone has a camera, this is going right on TwitPic.

Move to Iowa

Now that the California Supreme Court has upheld Prop 8\’s ban on gay marriage, it\’s time for Iowa to start wooing gays.  Here is how I would do it.