Of Mosque and Men

In case you haven’t read the news in the past month, there are plans to build an Islamic community center a few blocks from New York City’s Ground Zero.  This has angered a lot of people who think the terrorists win if a moderate Muslim center is built nearby the site of of an Islamic-extremist terrorist attack.

Or to put it another way

Excellent point.  If a Muslim country like Saudi Arabia forbids building churches and synagogues, we must do the same and ban mosques.  We cannot afford a religious-intolerance gap!

And if we’re going to keep up with Saudi Arabia, there are a lot of other changes we need to make.

Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow public demonstrations.  These anti-mosque protesters are actually hurting America by exercising a right Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow.  That guy’s sign should really say

And when conservatives call for the repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment because it gives citizenship to babies of illegal immigrants born in America, they are missing a much bigger problem.  What we really need to repeal is the Twenty-First Amendment, which repeals the Eighteenth Amendment which bans alcohol.  Saudi Arabia has been beating us on the prohibition front for too long.

Also, Sarah Palin, I know you’re trying to help America, but you’re holding us back.  Please consider my redesign of your book cover.

Because the only way to beat the terrorists is to become equally intolerant.

Politics of sports

G. Gordon Liddy recently attacked soccer as a sport, saying

[Soccer] comes from Latin America, uhh and first we have to get into this term, the Hispanics. Uhh that would indicate uhh Spanish language, and yes, these people uhh in Latin America speak Spanish. That is because conquistadores…tall uhh Caucasians, not very many of them, uhh conquered the Indians, and uhh the Indians adopted the language of their conquerors. But what we call Hispanics now really are South American Indians. And uhh uhh this game, I think, originated uhh with South American Indians, and instead of a ball they used to use the head, the decapitated head, of an enemy warrior.

Sure it seems xenophobic to dislike a sport because it wasn’t invented in America, uninformed to say it was invented in Latin America and racist to assume they played it with a decapitated head, but I have to give Liddy credit for staying consistent.  Here are some criticisms he leveled at other sports.

On baseball

Baseball is the perfect example of what is wrong with America today.  Baseball, like America, was invented by white Americans, and baseball, like America, is overrun by the decedents of Latin American savages who cross our porous boarders and take our jobs cleaning up at bat, mopping up on the mound and working the fields.  Just look at any MLB roster; there’s enough Vazquezes, Martinezes and Rodriquezes that you’d think you’re reading a list of Wal-Mart janitors.  And I don’t have to tell you, with enough of those type on a team, it’s just a matter of time before bases end up stolen.  It’s time the MLB took a page from Arizona lawmaker’s playbook and made baseball for Americans once and for all.

On basketball

Want to know why Obama loves basketball?  Because Obama loves European socialist programs, and it seems now like every NBA team has at least one European player who helps his team with with an unselfish playing style.  And if that’s not bad enough, these European guys always look really goofy, like they don’t have full control over their gangly limbs, even when they’re moving the ball well or scoring a basket.  They’re a disgrace to a game that used to celebrate the American ideals of showboating and flashiness.

On football

We’ve got the same problem in the GOP as we do in the NFL.  It used to be we had a preferential system in place, starting all the way in high school, that fast tracked white guys to the important decision making positions.   Now, we have to look diverse, so we end up with leaders like Michael Vick or Michael Steele, who keep messing up by killing dogs or making boneheaded public statements like calling Afghanistan “a war of Obama’s choosing.”

On hockey

Did you know that over half of NHL players are Canadian?  That means when you buy a ticket, some of that money goes to a Canadian, which then gets taxed by Canada, which then supports their socialized medicine, and I’ll be damned if I let even one cent of my hard earned money help save a Canadian life.

On golf

Golf is elitist, wasteful and expensive. Only wealthy neighborhoods can afford courses and only wealthy people can afford access and equipment.  As a game that clearly favors the rich over the poor, it is everything that makes America exceptional.

BP and Over-Regulation

It’s been 66 days since BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded, killing 11 workers and causing an oil spill that’s leaking anywhere between 25,000 and 160,000 barrels of oil per day.

It’s a huge disaster, everyone is angry and pointing fingers, but I think we can all agree on one thing:

We need less offshore drilling regulation.

The BP leak has been going for two months, and we can’t stop it because we don’t know how. And we don’t know how because we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe before. And we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe because of too much regulation. We will eventually figure out how to plug this leak, but it will be too late because we would have already known how to if it wasn’t for those pelican loving regulations.

How ironic that the majestic sea birds we hoped to protect with regulations are the ones we hurt the most.  And it’s not just the pelicans that are paying the price.  Let’s say the leak is spewing 50,000 barrels of oil a day.  Over 66 days that’s 3,300,000 barrels of oil.  One barrel of crude oil produces 19.5 gallons of gas, which means we’ve wasted 64,350,000 gallons of unleaded.  The current average national price for gasoline is $2.74, so we’ve lost $176,319,000.00.  That’s a lot of money.

But if we got this oil spill over in 1999, when gas cost $0.99 per gallon, we’d have only lost $63,706,500.00.  That’s a savings of $112,612,500.00, and in this economy every 112,612,500 dollars can help.

When you think about it, the only real tragedy is that no one messed up earlier.  So instead of being mad at BP, we should be thankful they made up for lost time before gas prices rose even higher.

Humane Executions

Earlier today Utah executed Ronnie Lee Gardner for killing a man while trying to escape from a courthouse in 1985.  His execution caused a bit of controversy because he choose to die by firing squad and some people found it distasteful to use guns in an execution.

I could not agree more.

Guns are loud and scary, and bullet wounds are gross.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bloodlust and deadly retribution, but we shouldn’t debase ourselves with the same unsightly violence we seek to punish.

To put it another way, our executions need to be less icky.

This is why I’m also against the electric chair.  I don’t even like seeing someone put a nine volt battery on their tongue, let alone get strapped to a chair and have a metal cap shoot 2000 volts of electricity through their body causing them to throw up, crap themselves, spasm violently enough to break bones and even catch fire before they die.

Most other methods aren’t any better.  Hangings feel antiquated, guillotines leave you with an unsightly head, and even lethal injections are a problem because I don’t like needles.

The good news is, I’ve come up with a solution.

From now on, we should only execute prisoners by burying them alive.   It’s perfect because if they’re in a coffin we can’t see them die, and if they’re underground we can’t hear them scream.   Even better, we never have to deal with the body because it’s already buried!  No muss, no fuss!

And best of all, it’s the most humane option, because keeps us from witnessing our inhumane behavior.

Israel and Charles Atlas

Israel is a dangerous topic to tackle. Whatever your opinion, it’s important your position appreciates the intricate and emotionally volatile situation.

Or you could photoshop an old Charles Atlas comic book advertisement.

Overly Ambitious Ensemble Sketch Team

It’s been a really busy week for my UCB Comedy Beta team, The Brig.  We have THREE new videos.

Our latest is Overly Ambitious Ensemble Drama, which Zack Phillips wrote, Jason Guerrero shot and I directed and edited.

The thing about a parody of an overly ambitious ensemble drama is that it’s also an overly ambitious ensemble sketch, but Zack not only wrote such a challenging sketch, he produced it and organized all the actors (Zack and I also probably spent about 8 hours planning out the whole shooting schedule).

Who are the actors?  I’m glad you asked. In no particular order: Tim Martin, Amy Heidt, Ben Rameaka, Dru Johnston, Corey Brown, Emily Axford, Shaun Diston, Alex Charak, Rob Michael Hugel, Matt Fisher, Kim Ferguson, Verónica Osorio, Jason Saenz, Don Fanelli, Will Hines, Jon Gutierrez, Amber Petty, Dan Hodapp, Brandon Gardner, Josh Patten, Molly Lloyd, Keith Bethea, Jordan Hirsch, Matt Starr, Eddie Brawley, Will Storie, Matt Cutler, Amanda Hirsch, Drew Tarvin, Jeff Wisniewski, Scott Yacyshyn, Dave Bluvband, Ben Ragheb, Matt Mayer, Adam Sacks, Morgan Evans, Zack Phillips and Jason Guerrero.

Also out this week is Time Life’s Rough Drafts Music Collection.  Written and directed by Matt Mayer, and featuring the singing of Eliza Skinner, Morgan Phillips and Matt Mayer.

Rough Draft Music Collection
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Finally, here is BP’s spokesman pointing out the brighter side of their oil leak.

BP: Rich Fish
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Written by Jon Gutierrez, directed by Matt Mayer, edited by Nathan Russell and starring Andy Secunda.

And that’s all.  Just three videos.  If you want more per week, you just have to to pay our rents.

Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first.  That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves.  Were there get pigs in a blanket?  How about chicken satay?  I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it.  Does he wear Old Spice?  Is he a Power Stick man?  Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews.  Forget those fluff pieces!  Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book.  That’s NEWS, baby!  New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story?  Well, how did they get past the Secret Service?  Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that?  Really?  Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner.  Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead.  We’re looking to the future, to movies.  Specifically sex tapes.  And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!  And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really?  They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape!  Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House.  That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal?  Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball.  I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What?  You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer.  Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

Catholic Church Woos Anglicans

For those who don’t know, the Catholic Church recently changed their rules, making it easier for Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, but still keep many of their religious traditions.

Here is a transcript of the debate within the Catholic Church that led to this decision.

…

Pope Benedict XVI: I have solved the Catholic church’s greatest problem!

Camerlengo Tarcisio Bertone: World poverty?

Pope: No.  How to get more converts to Catholicism.

Camerlengo: That’s good too.  What’s your plan?

Pope: Well, a lot of Anglicans don’t like that their church allows gay clergy, so I’m thinking we woo them to become Catholic.

Camerlengo: Excellent idea, your Excellency!  We shall convince them to join us, the true Church of Christ and forsake their heretical Anglican liturgy and shameful practice of allowing priests to get married.

Pope: No.  I’m thinking we’ll let them keep all that, but we’ll just count them as Catholic.

Camerlengo: But isn’t it our rules and traditions that make us Catholic?

Pope: Nah.  What really makes us Catholic is our disdain for the gays.  Many Anglicans also dislike gay people and we need more converts, so what’s the harm in letting them join us while also ignoring our two thousand years of tradition.

Camerlengo: I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense…

Pope: And I’m not stopping there.  Most Orthodox Jews also disapprove of gay people, so I’m going to start counting them as Catholics as well.

Camerlengo: But they don’t even accept Jesus Christ as the son of God!

Pope: Stop worrying about details!  What really matters is that they hate gays.   We also need to canonize some new saints to highlight the importance of homophobia in Catholicism.

Camerlengo: Do you have someone in mind?

Pope: Eminem.  Listen to these lyrics of his, “My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge. And I’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or les. A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves. Homophobic? Hey fags, the answer’s yes.”  Beautiful stuff.  I wonder if we can add that to Corinthians somewhere.

Camerlengo: Your Excellency, don’t you think this is a little extreme?

Pope: We must do something to draw more sheep into our flock.

Camerlengo: If we’re looking to expand, wouldn’t it make more sense to open our doors to the gay community?  Didn’t Jesus preach about love?

Pope: But gay couple can’t have babies.  That’s a sin against God.

Camerlengo: Neither can an infertile couple.  Should we discriminate against all infertile people?

Pope: Of course not.  Infertile people aren’t gross like the gays.

Camerlengo: Ugly people are pretty gross.  Should we discriminate against ugly people?

Pope: No, because ugly people can still have babies.

Camerlengo: So we should discriminate against gays and ugly, infertile people?

Pope: That might work.

Camerlengo: Have you looked in the mirror lately?  You look like a Mogwai that’s eaten after midnight.

Pope: Need I remind you how infallible I am?

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent.  I could not agree more.  No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

Mad About Who?

Much as been written about Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  Does he deserve the award?  Is it a political liability?  How should he go about accepting it?

What no one has mentioned yet, is the real precedent for this situation.  No, I’m not talking about Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, or Henry Kissinger.  I’m speaking, of course, about the Emmy Awards and the NBC sitcom Mad About You starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt.

You see, even though Paul Resier created Mad About You, he never once received an Emmy, while Helen Hunt won four times in a row for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series.  Sure Helen Hunt was more dynamic than Paul Reiser, who relied mainly on his everyman quality, but she only shined because he worked selflessly for eight years to make her look great.  Sadly, award ceremonies rarely appreciate the Paul Reisers of the world, but in all four of her acceptance speeches, Helen Hunt said he deserved half of her Emmy.

So Obama, when you go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace prize, be sure to thank the guy who worked really hard for eight years to make you look good.  And maybe bring a hacksaw or something, so you can give him his fair share of the award.